Libertarian Quotes


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  1. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
  2. America needs fewer laws, not more prisons. - James Bovard
  3. War is just one more big government program. - Joseph Sobran
  4. Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide. - John Adams (1814)
  5. They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Benjamin Franklin
  6. One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to be cured by legislation. - Thomas B. Reed (1886)
  7. If you are not free to choose wrongly and irresponsibly, you are not free at all. - Jacob Hornberger (1995)
  8. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
  9. The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates. - Tacitus
  10. Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. - George Washington
  11. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
  12. There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him. - Robert Heinlein
  13. The true danger is when Liberty is nibbled away, for expedients. - Edmund Burke (1899)
  14. Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none. - Thomas Jefferson
  15. The triumph of persuasion over force is the sign of a civilized society. - Mark Skousen
  16. A wise and frugal government which shall restrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government. - Thomas Jefferson (1801)
  17. The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists it. - John Hay (1872)
  18. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard (1994)
  19. The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground. - Thomas Jefferson
  20. Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of Liberty. - Thomas Jefferson
  21. None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. - Goethe
  22. When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence. - Gary Lloyd
  23. Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. - H.L. Mencken
  24. The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. - H.L. Mencken
  25. It is not the business of government to make men virtuous or religious, or to preserve the fool from the consequences of his own folly. Government should be repressive no further than is necessary to secure liberty by protecting the equal rights of each from aggression on the part of others, and the moment governmental prohibitions extend beyond this line they are in danger of defeating the very ends they are intended to serve. - Henry George
  26. Where morality is present, laws are unnecessary. Without morality, laws are unenforceable. - Anonymous
  27. Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue. - Barry Goldwater (1964)
  28. Liberty is not a means to a political end. It is itself the highest political end. - Lord Acton
  29. The power to tax is the power to destroy. - John Marshall
  30. [On ancient Athens]: In the end, more than freedom, they wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life, and they lost it all - security, comfort, and freedom. When the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society but for society to give to them, when the freedom they wished for most was freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free and was never free again. - Edward Gibbon
  31. Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. - C. S. Lewis
  32. Vices are simply the errors which a man makes in his search after his own happiness. Unlike crimes, they imply no malice toward others, and no interference with their persons or property. - Lysander Spooner
  33. In order to get power and retain it, it is necessary to love power; but love of power is not connected with goodness but with qualities that are the opposite of goodness, such as pride, cunning, and cruelty. - Leo Tolstoy
  34. There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible to live without breaking laws. - Ayn Rand
  35. If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains set lightly upon you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen. - Samuel Adams
  36. If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that, too. - Somerset Maugham
  37. A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out of the public treasury. - Alexander Tytler
  38. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy
  39. The United States is a nation of laws, badly written and randomly enforced. - Frank Zappa
  40. Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women. When it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it. - Justice Learned Hand
  41. It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. - Charles A. Beard
  42. A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. - Edward R. Murrow
  43. The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. - Thomas Jefferson (1781)
  44. The desire to rule is the mother of heresies. - St. John Chrysostom
  45. Can our form of government, our system of justice, survive if one can be denied a freedom because he might abuse it? - Harlon Carter
  46. It is not the responsibility of the government or the legal system to protect a citizen from himself. - Justice Casey Percell
  47. No one can read our Constitution without concluding that the people who wrote it wanted their government severely limited; the words "no" and "not" employed in restraint of government power occur 24 times in the first seven articles of the Constitution and 22 more times in the Bill of Rights. - Edmund A. Opitz
  48. The government was set to protect man from criminals - and the Constitution was written to protect man from the government. - Ayn Rand
  49. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
  50. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley
  51. I believe that every individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruits of his labor, so far as it in no way interferes with any other men's rights. - Abraham Lincoln
  52. Those who expect to reap the benefits of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. - Thomas Paine
  53. Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. - Harry Emerson Fosdick
  54. The state in which the rulers are the most reluctant to govern is always the best and most quietly governed; and the state in which they are the most eager, the worst. - Anonymous
  55. It is much more important to kill bad bills than to pass good ones. - Calvin Coolidge
  56. To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical. - Thomas Jefferson
  57. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire
  58. The war for freedom will never really be won because the price of our freedom is constant vigilance over ourselves and over our Government. - Eleanor Roosevelt
  59. Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover
  60. Give me liberty or give me death! - Patrick Henry
  61. First they came for the Jews, but I did nothing because I'm not a Jew. Then they came for the socialists, but I did nothing because I'm not a socialist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I did nothing because I'm not a Catholic. Finally, they came for me, but by then there was no one left to help me. - Pastor Father Niemoller (1946)
  62. Government at its best is a necessary evil, and at its worst, an intolerant one. - Thomas Paine
  63. There's never been a good government. - Emma Goldman
  64. We must have government, but we must watch them like a hawk. - Millicent Fenwick (1983)
  65. Useless laws weaken the necessary laws. - Montesquieu
  66. A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. - P. J. O'Rourke
  67. Government never furthered any enterprise but by the alacrity with which it got out of its way. - Henry David Thoreau
  68. Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
  69. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. - Mark Twain
  70. Talk is cheap - except when Congress does it. - Cullen Hightower
  71. You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
  72. [Political] offices are as acceptable here as elsewhere, and whenever a man cast a longing eye on them, a rottenness begins in his conduct. - Thomas Jefferson (1799)
  73. The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare. - Daniel Patrick Moynihan (1976)
  74. The most fundamental purpose of government is defense, not empire. - Joseph Sobran (1995)
  75. Governments harangue about deficits to get more revenue so they can spend more. - Allan H. Meltzer (1993)
  76. When important issues affecting the life of an individual are decided by somebody else, it makes no difference to the individual whether that somebody else is a king, a dictator, or society at large. - James Taggart (1992)
  77. No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. - P. J. O'Rourke (1992)
  78. Here's your enemy for this week, the government says. And some gullible Americans click their heels and salute - often without knowing who or even where the enemy of the week is. - Charley Reese (1998)
  79. The great virtue of a free market system is that it does not care what color people are; it does not care what their religion is; it only cares whether they can produce something you want to buy. It is the most effective system we have discovered to enable people who hate one another to deal with one another and help one another. - Milton Friedman
  80. The best government is the one that charges you the least blackmail for leaving you alone. - Thomas Rudmose-Brown (1996)
  81. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
  82. The Government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
  83. Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms. - James Madison
  84. The whole of the Bill [of Rights] is a declaration of the right of the people at large or considered as individuals - It establishes some rights of the individual as unalienable and which consequently, no majority has a right to deprive them of. - Albert Gallatin (1789)
  85. The Constitution shall never be construed - to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms. - Samuel Adams
  86. I should have loved freedom, I believe, at all times, but in the time in which we live I am ready to worship it. - Alexis De Toqueville
  87. I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. - Thomas Jefferson (1800)
  88. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. - Al Gore
  89. If you have ten thousand regulations, you destroy all respect for the law. - Winston Churchill
  90. Tyranny is always better organized than freedom. - Charles Peguy
  91. The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the destiny of the Republican model of government, are justly considered as deeply, perhaps as finally staked, on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people. - George Washington
  92. A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca, c. 4BC - 65AD.
  93. He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one. - the Bible, Luke 22:36.
  94. Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest. - Mahatma Gandhi, in Gandhi, An Autobiography, p. 446
  95. Whenever is found what is called a paternal government, there is found state education. It has been discovered that the best way to ensure implicit obedience is to commence tyranny in the nursery. - Benjamin Disraeli, 1874
  96. These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations. - UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 29(3).
  97. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
  98. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. - P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
  99. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
  100. I was guilty of judging capitalism by its operations and socialism by its hopes and aspirations; capitalism by its works and socialism by its literature. - Sidney Hook
  101. War is the health of the State. - Randolph Bourne (1917)
  102. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey (1992)
  103. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. - Joseph Sobran (1995)
  104. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
  105. Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. - William Pitt (1783)
  106. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. - P.J. O'Rourke
  107. A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. - Barry Goldwater (1964)
  108. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
  109. Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program. - Milton Friedman
  110. The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed - and hence clamorous to be led to safety - by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. - H.L. Mencken
  111. There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. - P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
  112. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. - Robert A. Heinlein
  113. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 BC)
  114. There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money - if a gun is held to his head. - P.J. O'Rourke
  115. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer (1891)
  116. More laws, less justice. - Marcus Tullius Ciceroca (42 BC)
  117. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. - Thomas Jefferson
  118. Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others. - William Allen White
  119. I have ever deemed it fundamental for the United States never to take active part in the quarrels of Europe. Their political interests are entirely distinct from ours. Their mutual jealousies, their balance of power, their complicated alliances, their forms and principles of government, are all foreign to us. They are nations of eternal war. - Thomas Jefferson (1823)
  120. America does not go abroad in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She well knows that by enlisting under other banners than her own, were they even the banners of foreign independence, she would involve herself beyond the power of extrication in all the wars of interest and intrigue, of individual avarice, envy and ambition, which assume the colors and usurp the standards of freedom. - John Quincy Adams (1821)
  121. An Avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty. It leads men to stretch, to misinterpret, and to misapply even the best of laws. He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he a establishes a precedent that will reach to himself. - Thomas Paine (1795)
  122. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat
  123. Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your government is doing to you. - Joseph Sobran (1990)
  124. God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard and defend it. - Daniel Webster (1834)
  125. The saddest epitaph which can be carved in memory of a vanished liberty is that it was lost because its possessors failed to stretch forth a saving hand while yet there was time. - Justice George Sutherland (1938)
  126. The era of resisting big government is never over. - Paul Gigot (1998)
  127. Not a place upon earth might be so happy as America. Her situation is remote from all the wrangling world, and she has nothing to do but to trade with them. - Thomas Paine (1776)
  128. Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. - Honore de Balzac
  129. Whoever prefers life to death, happiness to suffering, well-being to misery must defend without compromise private ownership in the means of production. - Ludwig von Mises (1920)
  130. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government that is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. - James Madison
  131. Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. - William Penn (1693)
  132. In 1940, teachers were asked what they regarded as the three major problems in American schools. They identified the three major problems as: Littering, noise, and chewing gum. Teachers last year were asked what the three major problems in American schools were, and they defined them as: Rape, assault, and suicide. - William Bennett (1993)
  133. The threat posed by humans to the natural environment is nothing compared to the threat to humans posed by global environmental policy. - Fred L. Smith (1992)
  134. The spirit of truth and the spirit of freedom - they are the pillars of society. - Henrik Ibsen (1877)
  135. Government is actually the worst failure of civilized man. There has never been a really good one, and even those that are most tolerable are arbitrary, cruel, grasping, and unintelligent. - H. L. Mencken
  136. Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? - Thomas Jefferson (1801)
  137. This country is a one-party country. Half of it is called Republican and half is called Democrat. It doesn't make any difference. All the really good ideas belong to the Libertarians. - Hugh Downs (1997)
  138. Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. - Lord Acton (1887)
  139. Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. - Mao Zedong (1938)
  140. The difference between libertarianism and socialism is that libertarians will tolerate the existence of a socialist community, but socialists can't tolerate a libertarian community. - David D. Boaz (1997)
  141. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill (1903)
  142. If you have been voting for politicians who promise to give you goodies at someone else's expense, then you have no right to complain when they take your money and give it to someone else, including themselves. - Thomas Sowell (1992)
  143. War has all the characteristics of socialism most conservatives hate: Centralized power, state planning, false rationalism, restricted liberties, foolish optimism about intended results, and blindness to unintended secondary results. - Joseph Sobran (1991)
  144. There never was a good war or a bad peace. - Benjamin Franklin (1773)
  145. Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters. - Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
  146. Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom. - Albert Einstein
  147. Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. - George Bernard Shaw
  148. In matters of Power, let no more be heard of confidence in men, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution. - Thomas Jefferson
  149. The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests. - Patrick Henry
  150. The strength of the Constitution, lies in the will of the people to defend it. - Thomas Edison
  151. The Constitution is a written instrument. As such, its meaning does not alter. That which it meant when it was adopted, it means now. - South Carolina v. United States, 199 U.S. 437, 448 (1905)
  152. It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from regard to their own interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages. Nobody but a beggar chooses to depend chiefly upon the benevolence of his fellow citizens. - Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
  153. Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. - H.L. Mencken
  154. Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless. - P. J. O'Rourke, "How to Explain Conservatism"
  155. Government cannot make man richer, but it can make him poorer. - Ludwig von Mises
  156. The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced. If the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt, people must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. - Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
  157. Liberals want the government to be your Mommy. Conservatives want government to be your Daddy. Libertarians want it to treat you like an adult. - Andre Marrou
  158. If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)
  159. Liberty consists in doing what one desires. - John Stuart Mill, On Liberty (1859)
  160. The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant. - John Stuart Mill, On Liberty (1859)
  161. Left-wing politicians take away your liberty in the name of children and of fighting poverty, while right-wing politicians do it in the name of family values and fighting drugs. Either way, government gets bigger and you become less free. - Harry Browne
  162. If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all. - Noam Chomsky
  163. I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself. - Aldous Huxley
  164. The care of every man's soul belongs to himself. But what if he neglect the care of it? Well what if he neglect the care of his health or his estate, which would more nearly relate to the state. Will the magistrate make a law that he not be poor or sick? Laws provide against injury from others; but not from ourselves. God himself will not save men against their wills. - Thomas Jefferson
  165. America's abundance was not created by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. - Ayn Rand
  166. There's always someone telling you not to do something. The main thing is just to ignore them. - Tim Robbins
  167. Everyone thinks about changing the world, but no one thinks about changing himself. - Leo Tolstoy
  168. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato
  169. Every individual necessarily labors to render the annual revenue of society as great as he can. He generally neither intends to promote the public interest, nor knows how much he is promoting it. He intends only his own gain, and he is, in this, as in many other cases, led by an invisible hand to promote an end which was not part of his intention. - Adam Smith, Wealth of Nations
  170. The conclusion is thus inescapable that the history, concept, and wording of the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, as well as its interpretation by every major commentator and court in the first half-century after its ratification, indicates that what is protected is an individual right of a private citizen to own and carry firearms in a peaceful manner. - Report of the Subcommittee on the Constitution of the Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, 97th Congress, Second Session (February 1982)
  171. When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of both. - James Dale Davidson, National Taxpayers Union
  172. If we have to kill 12 people to save 1 human life it will have been worth it. - Unknown
  173. Virtually all reasonable laws are obeyed, not because they are the law, but because reasonable people would do that anyway. If you obey a law simply because it is the law, that's a pretty likely sign that it shouldn't be a law. - Unknown
  174. The U.S. Constitution may be flawed, but it's a whole lot better than what we have now. - Unknown
  175. The welfare state reduces a citizen to a client, subordinates them to a bureaucrat, and subjects them to rules that are anti-work, anti-family, anti-opportunity and anti-property - Humans forced to suffer under such anti-human rules naturally develop pathologies. The evening news is the natural result of the welfare state. - Unknown
  176. I do not believe that the government should have its long nose poked into the private consensual relationships between people. - John Anderson, Independent presidential candidate, 1980
  177. When goods don't cross borders, soldiers will. - Fredric Bastiat, early French economist
  178. Manufacturing and commercial monopolies owe their origin not to a tendency imminent in a capitalist economy but to governmental interventionist policy directed against free trade and laissez faire. - Ludwig Mises,
  179. Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficial - the greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well meaning but without understanding. - Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis, 1928
  180. Tariffs, quotas and other import restrictions protect the business of the rich at the expense of high cost of living for the poor. Their intent is to deprive you of the right to choose, and to force you to buy the high-priced inferior products of politically favored companies. - Alan Burris, "A Liberty Primer"
  181. Perhaps the removal of trade restrictions throughout the world would do more for the cause of universal peace than can any political union of peoples separated by trade barriers. - Frank Chodorov
  182. The legacy of Democrats and Republicans approaches: Libertarianism by bankruptcy. - Nick Nuessle, 1992
  183. Truth and news are not the same thing. - Katharine Graham, owner of The Washington Post
  184. The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. - Henry Kissinger
  185. We have to offer up scary scenarios, make simplified dramatic statements, and make little mention of any doubts we may have. Each of us has to decide what the right balance is between being effective and being honest. - Stephen Schneider, environmental activist, in "Discover", Oct. '89
  186. I think the terror most people are concerned with is the IRS. - Malcolm Forbes, when asked if he was afraid of terrorism
  187. Let the people decide through the marketplace mechanism what they wish to see and hear. Why is there this national obsession to tamper with this box of transistors and tubes when we don't do the same for Time magazine? - Mark Fowler, FCC Chairman
  188. The usual road to slavery is that first they take away your guns, then they take away your property, then last of all they tell you to shut up and say you are enjoying it. - James A. Donald
  189. Every friend of freedom must be as revolted as I am by the prospect of turning the United States into an armed camp, by the vision of jails filled with casual drug users and of an army of enforcers empowered to invade the liberty of citizens on slight evidence. - Milton Friedman, Nobel Prize-winning economist
  190. The high rate of unemployment among teenagers, and especially black teenagers, is both a scandal and a serious source of social unrest. Yet it is largely a result of minimum wage laws. We regard the minimum wage law as one of the most, if not the most, anti-black laws on the statute books. - Milton Friedman, Nobel Prize-winning economist
  191. Nothing can destroy a government more quickly than its failure to observe its own laws, or worse, its disregard of the charter of its own existence - U.S. Supreme Court Justice Tom C. Clark - Mapp vs. Ohio
  192. If we were directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we would soon want for bread. - Thomas Jefferson
  193. Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was representation without taxation. - Fletcher Knebel, historian
  194. Those who do not learn from the mistakes of history are doomed to repeat them. - George Santayana
  195. Every man has a property in his own person. This nobody has any right to but himself. The labor of his body and the work of his hands are properly his. - John Locke, 1690
  196. There are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by the gradual and silent encroachment of those in power, than by violent and sudden usurpation. - James Madison
  197. Taxation of earnings from labor is on a par with forced labor. Seizing the results of someone's labor is equivalent to seizing hours from him and directing him to carry on various activities. - Robert Nozick, Harvard philosopher
  198. Alcohol didn't cause the high crime rates of the '20s and '30s, Prohibition did. And drugs do not cause today's alarming crime rates, but drug prohibition does. - US District Judge James C. Paine, addressing the Federal Bar Association in Miami, November, 1991
  199. The moral and constitutional obligations of our representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people. - Congressman Ron Paul, 1987
  200. The man who produces while others dispose of his product is a slave. - Ayn Rand
  201. I am interested in politics so that one day I will not have to be interested in politics. - Ayn Rand
  202. They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey 8/31/94
  203. Even the most Bush-happy, flag suckling jack-arse knows deep-down inside that something is wrong. America is over and everyone knows it. The New World Order has a dying empire odor and changing the channel ain't going to make this go away. - Jello Biafra
  204. If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the undisputed power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence - and the courts must abide by that decision. - US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006
  205. Love your country but fear its government. - N.E. folk wisdom
  206. Where is it written in the Constitution, in what section or clause is it contained, that you may take children from their parents and parents from their children, and compel them to fight the battle in any war in which the folly or the wickedness of government may engage it? - Daniel Webster
  207. There are many farm handouts; but let's call them what they really are: a form of legalized theft. Essentially, a congressman tells his farm constituency, "Vote for me. I'll use my office to take another American's money and give it to you." - Walter Williams, economist and syndicated columnist
  208. National Health Insurance means combining the efficiency of the Postal Service with the compassion of the I.R.S. - and the cost accounting of the Pentagon. - Louis Sullivan/Connie Horner quoted by Novak in _Forbes_
  209. Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don't need guns, as their having guns doesn't serve the State. - Heinrich Himmler
  210. The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words. - The Atlanta Journal
  211. Government does not grow by seizing our freedoms, but by assuming our responsibilities. - Michael Cloud
  212. The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk". - Harry Browne
  213. Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. - Ronald Reagan
  214. The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. - Justice William O. Douglas
  215. Why doesn't everybody just leave everybody else the hell alone? - Jimmy Durante
  216. This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future! - Adolph Hitler [1935] The Weapons Act of Nazi Germany.
  217. After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it. I sure as hell wouldn't want to live in a society where the only people allowed guns are the police and the military. - William S. Burroughs
  218. To tax the larger incomes at a higher percentage than the smaller, is to lay a tax on industry and economy; to impose a penalty on people for having worked harder and saved more than their neighbors. - John Stuart Mill
  219. When taxes are too high, people go hungry. - Lao Tsu
  220. Show me a movement that doesn't hate somebody and I will join it at once. - Robert Anton Wilson
  221. What's *just* has been debated for centuries but let me offer you my definition of social justice: I keep what I earn and you keep what you earn. Do you disagree? Well then tell me how much of what I earn *belongs* to you - and why? - Walter Williams
  222. Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves. - Henry David Thoreau
  223. No matter how disastrously some policy has turned out, anyone who criticizes it can expect to hear: "But what would you replace it with?" When you put out a fire, what do you replace it with? - Thomas Sowell
  224. A society that robs an individual of the product of his effort - is not strictly speaking a society, but a mob held together by institutionalized gang violence. - Ayn Rand
  225. Society in every state is a blessing, but Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. - Thomas Paine
  226. One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license. - P.J. O'Rourke
  227. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. - Abraham Lincoln
  228. The more laws and restrictions there are, the poorer the people become. - Lao Tsu
  229. When all government, in little as in great things, shall be drawn to Washington as the Center of all power, it will render powerless the checks provided of one government on another and will become as venal and oppressive as the government from which we separated. - Thomas Jefferson
  230. In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place. - Mohandas Gandhi
  231. Force always attracts men of low morality. - Albert Einstein
  232. A little government involvement is just as dangerous as a lot - because the first leads inevitably to the second. - Harry Browne
  233. It is not charity if it's at the point of a gun. - Unknown
  234. The only proper purpose of a government is to protect man's rights, which means: to protect him from physical violence. - Ayn Rand
  235. When they kept you out it was because you were black; when they let you in, it is because you are black. That's progress? - Marilyn French
  236. No government ever voluntarily reduces itself in size. Government programs, once launched, never disappear. - Ronald Reagan
  237. There is no more country - everyone go home. - Bracken
  238. I'm not going to pontificate and tell you to execute your government at dawn, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. - John Lydon
  239. Society exists for the benefit of its members - not the members for the benefit of society. - Herbert Spencer
  240. When the same man, or set of men, holds the sword and the purse, there is an end of liberty. - George Mason
  241. What is a Communist? One who has yearnings - for equal division of unequal earnings. - Ebenezer Elliot
  242. Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form of despotism. - Mary McCarthy
  243. Equality of opportunity is freedom, but equality of outcome is repression. - Dick Feagler
  244. There are people who think that plunder loses all its immorality as soon as it becomes legal. Personally, I cannot imagine a more alarming situation. - Fr�d�ric Bastiat
  245. The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by running flop-houses and disturbing the peace. - H. L. Mencken
  246. A man should be upright, not be kept upright. - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
  247. Can any of you seriously say the Bill of Rights could get through Congress today? It wouldn't even get out of committee. - F. Lee Bailey
  248. Socialists make the mistake of confusing individual worth with success. They believe you cannot allow people to succeed in case those who fail feel worthless. - Kenneth Baker
  249. Freedom, morality, and the human dignity of the individual consists precisely in this; that he does good not because he is forced to do so, but because he freely conceives it, wants it, and loves it. - Mikhail Bakunin
  250. Everyone wants to live at the expense of the State. They forget that the State lives at the expense of everyone. - Fr�d�ric Bastiat
  251. People fear witches, and burn women. - Justice Louis Brandeis
  252. The American heritage was one of individual liberty, personal responsibility and freedom from government - Unfortunately - that heritage has been lost. Americans no longer have the freedom to direct their own lives - Today, it is the government that is free - free to do whatever it wants. There is no subject, no issue, no matter - that is not subject to legislation. - Harry Browne
  253. Communism is like one big phone company. - Lenny Bruce
  254. The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion. - Edmund Burke
  255. If we have learned anything in the past quarter century, it is that we cannot Federalize Virtue. - George Bush
  256. It must never be unpatriotic to support your country against your government. It must always be unpatriotic to support your government against your country. - Stephen T. Byington
  257. Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging than the drug itself. - Jimmy Carter
  258. The office of the government is not to confer happiness, but to give men the opportunity to work out happiness for themselves. - William Ellery Channing
  259. If you ruin your life, you will pay the price of rehabilitating yourself - We are not punished for our sins, but by them. Liberty means responsibility. - Michael Cloud
  260. We are living in a sick society filled with people who would not directly steal from their neighbor but who are willing to demand that the government do it for them. - William L. Comer
  261. America was born of revolt, flourished on dissent, became great through experimentation. - Henry Steele Commager
  262. Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my administration has been minding my own business. - Calvin Coolidge
  263. You can only be free if I am free. - Clarence Darrow
  264. Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error of judgment. - Philip K. Dick
  265. When a legislature undertakes to proscribe the exercise of a citizen's constitutional rights it acts lawlessly and the citizen can take matters into his own hands and proceed on the basis that such a law is no law at all. - Justice William O. Douglas
  266. A tyranny based on - deception and maintained by terror must inevitably perish from the poison it generates within itself. - Albert Einstein
  267. Politics ought to be the part-time profession of every citizen who would protect the rights and privileges of free people and who would preserve what is good and fruitful in our national heritage. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
  268. That which we call sin in others is experiment for us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  269. So long as we need to control other people, however benign our motives, we are captive to that need. In giving them freedom, we free ourselves. - Marilyn Ferguson
  270. Fundamentally, there are only two ways of coordinating the economic activities of millions. One is central direction involving the use of coercion - the technique of the army and of the modern totalitarian state. The other is voluntary cooperation of individuals - the technique of the marketplace. - Milton Friedman
  271. Civil disobedience becomes a sacred duty when the State becomes lawless or, which is the same thing, corrupt. - Mohandas Gandhi
  272. The right of revolution is an inherent one. When people are oppressed by their government, it is a natural right they enjoy to relieve themselves of oppression, if they are strong enough, whether by withdrawal from it, or by overthrowing it and substituting a government more acceptable. - Ulysses S. Grant
  273. The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed. - Alexander Hamilton
  274. Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison. - John Hardwick
  275. Past studies by and large confirm the prediction that higher minimum wages reduce employment opportunities and raise unemployment, particularly among teenagers, minorities and other low-skilled workers. - Masanori Hashimoto
  276. We find many things to which the prohibition of them constitutes the only temptation. - William Hazlitt
  277. Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery! Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! - Patrick Henry
  278. The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler
  279. I never hurt nobody but myself and that's nobody's business but my own. - Billie Holiday
  280. Historically, much of the motivation for public schooling has been to stifle variety and institute social control. - Jack Hugh
  281. When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. - Charles Evans Hughes
  282. I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. - Thomas Jefferson
  283. It's no accident that capitalism has brought with it progress, not merely in production but also in knowledge. Egoism and competition are, alas, stronger forces than public spirit and sense of duty. - Albert Einstein
  284. On every question of construction, let us carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or invented against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed. - Thomas Jefferson
  285. According to George Hitchings, co-winner of the 1988 Nobel Prize in medicine, FDA's five-year delay in approving the antibacterial drug Septra cost 80,000 lives. - Sam Kazman
  286. He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetuate it. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
  287. I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good becomes as common as the grass. - Lao Tsu
  288. If men are good, you don't need government; if men are evil or ambivalent, you don't dare have one. - Robert LeFevre
  289. Low-income workers as a group are the major victims of minimum wage legislation. - Keith B. Leffler
  290. Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes crimes out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded. - Abraham Lincoln
  291. Public educators, like Soviet farmers, lack any incentive to produce results, innovate, to be efficient, to make the kinds of difficult changes that private firms operating in a competitive market must make to survive. - Carolyn Lochhead
  292. Those who attack the rationale of the game, and not the players, are its most formidable adversaries. - James J. Martin
  293. Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth. - Mohandas Gandhi
  294. If you can cut the people off from their history, then they can be easily persuaded. - Karl Marx
  295. In 1950, the average family of four paid 2% of its earnings to federal taxes. Today it pays 24%- William R. Mattox, Jr. (sometime before 1996)
  296. Depressions and mass unemployment are not caused by the free market but by government interference in the economy. - Ludwig von Mises
  297. When they took the 4th Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
    298. When they took the 6th Amendment, I was quiet because I am innocent. When they took the 2nd Amendment,
  298. I was quiet because I don't own a gun. Now they have taken the
    299. 1st Amendment, and I can only be quiet. - Lyle Myhr
  299. In Germany, they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then, they
  300. came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew -
    301. Then they came for the Catholics. I didn't speak up then because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and
  301. there was no one left to speak up. - Reverend Martin
    302. Niemoller, German Lutheran pastor arrested by the Gestapo in 1937.
  302. It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and
  303. sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to
    304. waste this much money. - P.J. O'Rourke
  304. Petty laws breed great crimes. - Ouida
  305. The essential psychological requirement of a free society is the willingness on the part of the individual to accept responsibility for his life. - Edith Packer
  306. When the government fears the people, it is liberty. When the people fear the government, it is tyranny. - Thomas Paine
  307. The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases. - Thomas Jefferson
  308. The most important element of a free society, where individual rights are held in the highest esteem, is the rejection of the initiation of violence. All initiation of force is a violation of someone else's rights, whether initiated by an individual or the state, for the benefit of an individual or group of individuals, even if it's supposed to be for the benefit of another individual or group of individuals. Legitimate use of violence can only be that which is required in self-defense. - Congressman Ron Paul, (R) Texas
  309. As you increase the cost of the license to practice medicine, you increase the price at which the medical service must be sold and you correspondingly decrease the number of people who can afford to buy the service. - William Pusey, then president of the American Medical Association
  310. The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities. - Ayn Rand
  311. The American Dream was not about government's taking huge sums of money (under the label of "taxation") from citizens by force. The American Dream was about individualism and the opportunity to achieve success without interference from others. - Robert Ringer
  312. Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it. - Will Rogers
  313. I am convinced that we can do to guns what we've done to drugs: create a multi-billion dollar underground market over which we have absolutely no control. - George L. Roman
  314. The old parties are husks, with no real soul within either, divided on artificial lines, boss-ridden and privilege-controlled, each a jumble of incongruous elements, and neither daring to speak out wisely and fearlessly on what should be said on the vital issues of the day. - Theodore Roosevelt
  315. Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. - Seneca
  316. Armed people are free. No state can control those who have the machinery and the will to resist, no mob can take their liberty and property. And no 220-pound thug can threaten the well-being or dignity of a 110-pound woman who has two pounds of iron to even things out - People who object to weapons aren't abolishing violence, they're begging for rule by brute force, when the biggest, strongest animals among men were always automatically "right." Guns ended that, and a social democracy is a hollow farce without an armed populace to make it work. - L. Neil Smith (from The Probability Broach)
  317. Let him who would move the world, first move himself. - Socrates
  318. What is ominous is the ease with which some people go from saying that they don't like something to saying that the government should forbid it. When you go down that road, don't expect freedom to survive very long. - Thomas Sowell
  319. The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within. - Mohandas Gandhi
  320. However insignificant the minority, and however trifling the proposed trespass against their rights, no such trespass is permissible. - Herbert Spencer (from "The Right To Ignore The State")
  321. The highwayman takes solely upon himself the responsibility, danger, and crime of his own act. He does not pretend that he has any rightful claim to your money, or that he intends to use it for your own benefit - Furthermore, having taken your money, he leaves you, as you wish him to do - He does not keep "protecting" you by commanding you to bow down and serve him; by requiring you to do this, and forbidding you to do that. - Lysander Spooner
  322. If I were a Brazilian without land or money or the means to feed my children, I would be burning the rain forest too. - Sting
  323. I favor free trade in drugs for the same reason the Founding Fathers favored free trade in ideas: in a free society it is none of the government's business what ideas a man puts into his mind; likewise, it should be none of its business what drugs he puts into his body. - Thomas Szasz
  324. That government is best which governs least. - Henry David Thoreau
  325. In the beginning of a change, the Patriot is a scarce man and brave, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a Patriot. - Mark Twain
  326. I love my country far too much to be a nationalist. - Unknown
  327. I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - Voltaire
  328. If even one new drug of the stature of penicillin or digitalis has been unjustifiably banished to a company's back shelf because of exceedingly stringent regulatory requirements, that event will have harmed more people than all the toxicity that has occurred in the history of modern drug development. - William Wardell
  329. It rankles me when somebody tries to force somebody to do something. - John Wayne
  330. Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of Europe. The supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword; because the whole body of people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any body of regular troops that can be, on any pretense, raised in the United States. - Noah Webster
  331. Only in a police state is the job of a policeman easy. - Orson Welles
  332. Liberals believe government should take people's earnings to give to poor people. Conservatives disagree. They think government should confiscate people's earnings and give them to farmers and insolvent banks. The compelling issue to both conservatives and liberals is not whether it is legitimate for government to confiscate one's property to give to another, the debate is over the disposition of the pillage. - Walter Williams
  333. Taking somebody's money without permission is stealing, unless you work for the IRS; then it's taxation. Killing people en masse is homicidal mania, unless you work for the Army; then it's National Defense. Spying on your neighbors is invasion of privacy, unless you work for the FBI; then it's National Security. Running a whorehouse makes you a pimp and poisoning people makes you a murderer, unless you work for the CIA; then it's counter-intelligence. - Robert Anton Wilson
  334. Government, in it's last analysis, is organized force. - Woodrow Wilson
  335. Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it. - Cousin Woodman
  336. The proper direction of man's thought is not toward the creation of new laws for government, but toward the acceptance of every person's moral dignity. - Edmund Yates
  337. The higher entry standards imposed by licensing laws reduce the supply of professional services - The poor are the net losers, because the availability of low-cost service has been reduced. In essence, the poor subsidize the information research costs of the rich. - S. David Young
  338. The pages of history shine on instances of the jury's exercise of its prerogative to disregard instructions of the judge. - U.S. vs. Dougherty, 1972
  339. The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden to have in their possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms or other types of arms. The possession of these elements makes difficult the collection of taxes and dues, and tends to permit uprising. - Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Japanese Shogun, August 29, 1558
  340. We ask that the government undertake the obligation above all of providing citizens with adequate opportunity for employment and earning a living. The activities of the individual must not be allowed to clash with the interests of the community, but must take place within its confines and be for the good of all. Therefore, we demand: - an end to the power of the financial interests. We demand profit sharing in big business. We demand a broad extension of care for the aged. We demand - the greatest possible consideration of small business in the purchases of national, state, and municipal governments. In order to make possible to every capable and industrious [citizen] the attainment of higher education and thus the achievement of a post of leadership, the government must provide an all-around enlargement of our entire system of public education - We demand the education at government expense of gifted children of poor parents - The government must undertake the improvement of public health - by protecting mother and child, by prohibiting child labor - by the greatest possible support for all clubs concerned with the physical education of youth. We combat the - materialistic spirit within and without us, and are convinced that a permanent recovery of our people can only proceed from within on the foundation of the common good before the individual good. - From the political program of the Nazi Party, adopted in Munich, February 24, 1920
  341. I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials. - George Mason.
  342. The proverb warns that "You should not bite the hand that feeds you." But maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding yourself. - Thomas Szasz
  343. When freedom is outlawed - Only outlaws will be free! - Anon
  344. I have always thanked all my enemies profusely for expanding my horizons. - Unknown
  345. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. - The Wizard of Oz
  346. People who create things nowadays can expect to be prosecuted by highly moralistic people who are incapable of creating anything. There is no way to measure the chilling effect on innovation that results from the threats of taxation, regulation and prosecution against anything that succeeds. We'll never know how many ideas our government has aborted in the name protecting us. - Joseph Sobran May 13, 1998 (commenting on US vs Microsoft)
  347. I believe the states can best govern our home concerns and the federal government our foreign ones. - Thomas Jefferson
  348. It took about 150 years, starting with a Bill of Rights that reserved to the states and the people all powers not explicitly delegated to the federal government, to produce a Supreme Court willing to rule that growing corn to feed to your own hogs is interstate commerce and can therefore be regulated by Congress. - David Friedman, The Machinery of Freedom
  349. I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover
  350. First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards. - Mark Twain
  351. The politician attempts to remedy the evil by increasing the very thing that caused the evil in the first place: legal plunder. - Fr�d�ric Bastiat
  352. The police can't stop an intruder, mugger, or stalker from hurting you. They can pursue him only after he has hurt or killed you. Protecting yourself from harm is your responsibility, and you are far less likely to be hurt in a neighborhood of gun-owners than in one of disarmed citizens - even if you don't own a gun yourself. - Harry Browne
  353. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke
  354. Patriotism means loving our country, not the government. - Michael Cloud
  355. Conservatives and liberals are kindred spirits as far as government spending is concerned. First, let's make sure we understand what government spending is. Since government has no resources of its own, and since there's no Tooth Fairy handing Congress the funds for the programs it enacts, we are forced to recognize that government spending is no less than the confiscation of one person's property to give it to another to whom it does not belong - in effect, legalized theft. - Walter Williams
  356. The Constitution is not neutral. It was designed to take the government off the backs of people. - Justice William O. Douglas
  357. The prestige of government has undoubtedly been lowered considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is closely connected with this. - Albert Einstein
  358. I'm in favor of legalizing drugs. According to my value system, if people want to kill themselves, they have every right to do so. Most of the harm that comes from drugs is because they are illegal. - Milton Friedman
  359. One who uses coercion is guilty of deliberate violence. Coercion is inhuman. - Mohandas Gandhi
  360. The policy of the American government is to leave their citizens free, neither restraining nor aiding them in their pursuits. - Thomas Jefferson
  361. There comes a time when a moral man can't obey a law which his conscience tells him is unjust. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
  362. The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be. - Lao Tsu
  363. You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have. - P.J. O'Rourke
  364. A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought not to be trusted by anybody. - Thomas Paine
  365. Wealth comes from successful individual efforts to please one's fellow man - that's what competition is all about: "outpleasing" your competitors to win over the consumers. - Walter Williams
  366. To me, it doesn't matter if your scapegoats are the Jews, the homosexuals, the male sex, the Masons, the Jesuits, the Welfare Parasites, the Power Elite, the female sex, the vegetarians, or the Communist Party. To the extent that you need a scapegoat, you simply have not got your brain programmed to work as an efficient problem-solving machine. - Robert Anton Wilson
  367. A strong body makes a strong mind. As to the species of exercise I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. Let your gun, therefore, be the constant companion of your walks. - Thomas Jefferson
  368. The World's Smallest Political Quiz is the single best outreach tool we libertarians have. -George Getz, Libertarian Party press secretary
  369. Gun control? It's the best thing you can do for crooks and gangsters. I want you to have nothing. If I'm a bad guy, I'm always gonna have a gun. Safety locks? You will pull the trigger with a lock on, and I'll pull the trigger. We'll see who wins. - Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, whose testimony convicted John Gotti
  370. Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. - Josef V. Stalin
  371. In our desire to have government become our benefactor and sustainer, we have allowed it to become our taskmaster and overlord. As a result, we have become little more than well-fed, well-entertained slaves to the state. Freedom, as envisioned by our forefathers, is gone. - Chuck Baldwin 2001 (www.chuckbaldwinlive.com)
  372. To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them. - Richard Henry Lee (who drafted the Second Amendment as well as the rest of the Bill of Rights) 1788
  373. Faced with the pain of freedom, man begs for his shackles. - Gerry Spence
  374. I say that the Second Amendment doesn't allow for exceptions - or else it would have read that the right "to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, unless Congress chooses otherwise." And because there are no exceptions, I disagree with my fellow panelists who say the existing gun laws should be enforced. Those laws are unconstitutional [and] wrong - because they put you at a disadvantage to armed criminals, to whom the laws are no inconvenience. - Harry Browne, meetings with NRA's EVP, Wayne LaPierre and other panelists at a gun rights rally in Hot Springs, AR, 8/8/2000
  375. The angels and the devils are definitely within us, not within the machines we use. - Michael Dertouzos
  376. The limitation of tyrants is the endurance of those they oppose. - Frederick Douglass
  377. Gradualism in theory is perpetuity in practice. - William Lloyd Garrison
  378. The only thing that saves us from bureaucracy is its inefficiency. - Eugene McCarthy
  379. The jury has the right to judge both the law as well as the fact in controversy. - John Jay, Joint-author of the Federalist Papers and first U. S. Supreme Court Chief Justice
  380. There ain't no rules around here! We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison
  381. The ideal Government of all reflective men, from Aristotle onward, is one which lets the individual alone - one which barely escapes being no government at all. - H. L. Mencken
  382. Most economic fallacies derive - from the tendency to assume that there is a fixed pie, that one party can gain only at the expense of another. - Milton Friedman, Economic Freedom and Representative Government; 1973
  383. Freedom is essentially a condition of inequality, not equality. It recognizes as a fact of nature the structural differences inherent in man - in temperament, character, and capacity - and it respects those differences. We are not alike and no law can make us so. - Frank Chodorov
  384. When government accepts responsibility for people, then people no longer take responsibility for themselves. - George Pataki
  385. Freedom is a fragile thing and is never more than one generation away from extinction. - Ronald Reagan
  386. The cure for evil and disorder is more liberty, not suppression. - Alexander Berkman
  387. Live and let live. - Friedrich von Schiller
  388. The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, and intolerable - - H. L. Mencken
  389. It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees. - Emiliano Zapta, Mexican revolutionary
  390. The times call for courage. The times call for hard work. But if the demands are high, it is because the stakes are even higher. They are nothing less than the future of human liberty, which means the future of civilization. - Henry Hazlitt
  391. Blacks were not enslaved because they were black but because they were available. Slavery has existed in the world for thousands of years. Whites enslaved other whites in Europe for centuries before the first black was brought to the Western hemisphere. Asians enslaved Europeans. Asians enslaved other Asians. Africans enslaved other Africans, and indeed even today in North Africa, blacks continue to enslave blacks. - Thomas Sowell, a black sociologist, author and columnist
  392. To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men. - Abraham Lincoln
  393. These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as Freedom should not be highly rated. - Thomas Paine
  394. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. - The Declaration of Independence
  395. Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by silence. - Henri Frederic Amiel
  396. Liberty is always unfinished business. - Anonymous
  397. And now that the legislators and do gooders have futilely inflicted so many systems upon society, may they finally end where they should have begun: May they reject all systems. And try liberty - - Frederic Bastiat, 1850
  398. Everyone carries a part of society on his shoulders; no one is relieved of his share of responsibility by others. And no one can find a safe way out for himself if society is sweeping towards destruction. Therefore, everyone, in his own interests, must thrust himself vigorously into the intellectual battle. None can stand aside with unconcern; the interests of everyone hangs on the results. Whether he chooses or not, every man is drawn into the greatest historical struggle, the decisive battle into which our epoch has plunged us. - Ludwig von Mises
  399. If our country is to survive and prosper, we must summon the courage to condemn and reject the liberal agenda, and we had better do it soon. - Walter E. Williams, "The Gathering Racial Tragedy"
  400. I think we need to find out why the citizens of the world's wealthiest, most envied, most powerful country are so cynical, so distressed, so angry, so ticked of about so many things. - William J. Bennett, former Secretary of Education.
  401. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever. - George Orwell, 1984
  402. Not only can no one predict the future, we don't understand the present - and there isn't even any certainty about the past. - Harry Browne
  403. A man who walks down the centre line of a road risks getting hit from both sides. - Alexander Ziatanovic
  404. It ain't so much what a man doesn't know that causes him so many problems, but what he knows that ain't so. - Will Rogers
  405. To take what there is, and use it, without waiting forever in vain for the preconceived - to dig deep into the actual and get something out of it - this doubtless is the right way to live. - Henry James
  406. The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - Shakespeare
  407. Men are most apt to believe what they least understand. - Montaigne
  408. When a well-packaged web of lies has been sold gradually to the masses over generations, the truth will seem utterly preposterous and its speaker a raving lunatic. - Dresden James
  409. I have thought that a man of tolerable abilities may work great changes if he first forms a good plan and makes the execution of that same plan his whole study and business. - Benjamin Franklin
  410. For all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, "It might have been!" - John Greenleaf Whittier
  411. It takes time to ruin a world, but time is all it takes. - Bernard DeFoutenelle
  412. People never believe in volcanoes until the lava actually overtakes them. - George Santayana
  413. After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history. - Bits & Pieces
  414. A nation which does not remember what it was yesterday does not know where it is today. - Robert E. Lee
  415. Ever since its founding in 1913, the Fed has described itself as an "independent" agency operated by selfless public servants striving to "fine-tune" the economy through monetary policy. In reality, however, a non-political governmental institution is as likely as a barking cat. - Thomas J. DiLorenzo
  416. I do not deny the allegation, I deny the allegator. - Jesse Jackson [!]
  417. Those who take the most from the table, teach contentment. Those for whom the taxes are destined, demand sacrifice. Those who eat their fill, speak to the hungry, of wonderful times to come. Those who lead the country into the abyss, call ruling difficult, for ordinary folk. - Bertolt Brecht
  418. The worst forms of tyranny, or certainly the most successful ones, are not those we rail against but those that so insinuate themselves into the imagery of our consciousness, and the fabric of our lives, as not to be perceived as tyranny. - Michael Parenti
  419. Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and sets the record straight. - Proverbs 18:17
  420. War is peace; freedom is slavery; ignorance is strength. - George Orwell
  421. The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect. - George Orwell, 1984
  422. For the totalitarian mind, adherence to state propaganda does not suffice: one must display proper enthusiasm while marching in the parade. - Noam Chomsky
  423. Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us all. - Justice William O. Douglas
  424. An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. - Adlai Stevenson
  425. The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but the newspapers. - Thomas Jefferson
  426. When the mass media in some foreign countries serve as megaphones for the rhetoric of their government, the result is ludicrous propaganda. When the mass media in our country serve as megaphones for the rhetoric of the U.S. government, the result is responsible journalism. - Norman Solomon
  427. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. - Second Amendment to the Constitution
  428. An armed society is a polite society. - Robert A. Heinlein
  429. The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment at all, it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. - H L. Mencken
  430. We must remember that government, no matter how hard it tries, cannot protect an individual from themselves. This legislation is simply one more attempt by big government to tell us that they know what is best for us. It is not the first time and it will not be the last. - Peter Calcagno
  431. Washington is not America. It has become an alien city-state that rules America, and much of the rest of the world, in the way that Rome ruled the Roman Empire. - Richard Maybury
  432. How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler
  433. Now that I look back, I realize that a life predicated on being obedient is a very comfortable life indeed. Living in such a way reduces to a minimum one's own need to think. - Adolf Eichmann, Memoirs written after his 1960 capture by Israel.
  434. A man's home may be his castle, but that does not keep the government from taking it. - United States v. Hendler, 952 F2d 1364 (Fed Cir 1991)
  435. Arbitrary power is most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness. - George Washington
  436. A State which dwarfs its men, in order that they may be more docile instruments in its hands even for beneficial purposes - will find that with small men no great thing can really be accomplished. - John Stuart Mill
  437. The more power a government has the more it can act arbitrarily according to the whims and desires of the elite, and the more it will make war on others and murder its foreign and domestic subjects. The more constrained the power of governments, the more power is diffused, checked, and balanced, the less it will aggress on others and commit democide. - R. J. Rummel, Death by Government
  438. A nation that expects the government to prevent churches from burning, to control the price of bread or gasoline, to secure every job, and to find some villain for every dramatic accident risks an even larger loss of life and liberty. - William A. Niskanen, For a Less Responsive Government, Cato Policy Report,
  439. The state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual crime. - Max Stirner
  440. The pattern is as old as human life. The new rulers use more and more force, more police, more soldiers, trying to enforce more efficient control, trying to make the planned economy work by piling regulations on regulations, decree on decree. The people are hungry and hungrier. And how does a man on this earth get butter? Doesn't the government give butter? But government does not produce food from the earth; Government is guns. It is one common distinction of all civilized peoples, that they give their guns to the Government. Men in Government monopolize the necessary use of force; they are not using their energies productively; they are not milking cows. To get butter, they must use guns; they have nothing else to use. - Rose Wilder Lane
  441. The state is a force incarnate. Worse, it is the silly parading of force. It never seeks to prevail by persuasion. Whenever it thrusts its finger into anything it does so in the most unfriendly way. Its essence is command and compulsion. - Michael Bakunin
  442. In every State, the government is nothing but a permanent conspiracy on the part of the minority against the majority, which it enslaves and fleeces. - Michael Bakunin
  443. We are going to tax and tax, spend and spend, elect and elect. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
  444. - thou shall not steal, even by majority vote - - Gary North; Conspiracy
  445. In levying taxes and in shearing sheep, it is well to stop when you get down to the skin. - Austin O'Malley
  446. Public works are not accomplished by the miraculous power of a magic wand. They are paid for by funds taken away from the citizens. - Ludwig von Mises
  447. A [tax loophole is] something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform. - Russell B. Long
  448. [S]tatism is but socialized dishonesty; it is feathering the nests of some with feathers coercively plucked from others - on the grand scale. There is no moral difference between the act of a pickpocket and the progressive income tax or any other social program. - Leonard Read
  449. There's another major hurdle to a new year of prosperity: our tax code. No human being understands it. The current code, which runs over 8,000 pages and countless thousands more pages of IRS rulings and interpretations, is beyond redemption. ..Incalculable amounts of the nation's intellectual brainpower are devoted to the dead-end task of coping with the current tax code. Over one-half million people in the U.S. make their living off it, whether in lobbying, lawyering, tax preparing, or accounting. - Americans spend five and one-half billion hours a year filling out tax forms - and spend between $100 billion and $300 billion to comply with the current code. - Malcolm S. Forbes,
  450. In increasing numbers, Americans believe that it is the responsibility - nay, the duty - of the federal government to take the earnings of some Americans and redistribute them to other Americans for various and sundry "good" reasons including "fairness." Citizens who know it is wrong to use force to take money from a neighbor have rationalized that it is OK for the government to do it for them. - Linda Bowles, nationally syndicated columnist
  451. The average family pays more in taxes than it spends on food, clothing, and shelter combined. - Congressman Dick Armey, Why a Flat Tax? Durell Journal of Money and Banking, Spring 1995
  452. The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. - Hilaire Belloc
  453. How ever sugarcoated and ambiguous, every form of authoritarianism must start with a belief in some group's greater right to power, whether that right is justified by sex, race, religion or all four. - Gloria Steinem, American feminist
  454. Opium and morphine are certainly dangerous, habit-forming drugs. But once the principle is admitted that it is the duty of the government to protect the individual against his own foolishness, no serious objections can be advanced against further encroachments - Is not the harm a man can inflict on his mind and soul even more disastrous than any bodily evils.? Why not prevent him from reading bad books and bad plays, from looking at bad paintings and statues and from hearing bad music? The mischief done by bad ideologies, surely, is much more pernicious both for the individual and for the whole society, than that done by narcotic drugs. - Von Mises, Human Action
  455. The present struggle seems less about abolishing big government than about who gets to use it. - William Greider, One World Ready or Not
  456. Man is born free, yet he is everywhere in chains. - Jean Jacques Rosseau. The Social Contract, 1762
  457. Pugsley's First Law of Government: All government programs accomplish the opposite of what they are designed to achieve. - John Pugsley
  458. Everything government touches turns to crap. - Ringo Starr
  459. One of the things the government can't do is run anything. The only things our government runs are the post office and the railroads, and both of them are bankrupt. - Lee Iacocca
  460. With all that IMF money, the Thailand's and Mexico's are spared the consequences of their fiscal incompetence, and Wall Street's heavy hitters are spared the consequences of their stupid investments. The global economy is a rigged game, rigged so Third World politicians, rich investors and global corporations win - and U.S. taxpayers lose. - Patrick J. Buchanan
  461. Every actual State is corrupt. Good men must not obey the laws too well. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  462. A union of government and religion tends to destroy government and degrade religion. - Hugo Black
  463. If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't. - Hyman G. Rickover
  464. If we do not halt this steady process of building commissions and regulatory bodies and the special legislation like huge inverted pyramids over every one of the simple constitutional provisions, we shall soon be spending many billions of dollars more. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
  465. The proper and limited use of government is to invoke a common justice and keep the peace - and that is all. - Leonard Read
  466. I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive. - Thomas Jefferson
  467. The bureaucrat's first objective, of course, is preservation of his job - provided by the big-government system, at the taxpayers expense. - Whether real world problems get solved or not is of secondary importance. It doesn't take much cynicism, in fact, to see that the bureaucrats have a vested interest in not having problems solved. If the problems did not exist (or had been invented), there would be no reason for the bureaucrat to have a job" - William Simon, former U.S Treasury Secretary
  468. What is so bad about big government? My indictment of big government is that it is bad because it attacks liberty, prosperity, progress, harmony, and morality. Thanks to big government, we have significantly less of all of those good things than we would if we had been able to keep government right-sized. Big government is cancerous. Like a cancer, it hurts the body and tends to spread, doing more and more harm as it grows. It is time for some radical surgery. - George C. Leef, director of FEE's Freeman Society Discussion Clubs
  469. Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy. - Charles Peters, How Washington Really Works
  470. We have the power to do any damn fool thing we want to do, and we seem to do it about every 10 minutes. - J. William Fulbright
  471. The era of big government is over. - Bill Clinton, State of the Union Address, January 23, 1996
  472. A tiny and closed fraternity of privileged men, elected by no one, and enjoying a monopoly sanctioned and licensed by government. - Spiro T. Agnew
  473. A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty, dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures? - Cicero
  474. You can't give the government the power to do good without also giving it the power to do bad - in fact, to do anything it wants. - Harry Browne
  475. Once upon a time, government budgets were balanced, our money was sound, the streets were safe, and taxes imposed by all levels of government took less than 10% of our income. - Harry Browne
  476. Through an unwieldy combination of big government, big military, big business, big labor and big cities, we have created an unworkable mega-nation which defies central management and control. Not only is the United States too big, but it has also become too authoritarian and too undemocratic, and its states assume too little responsibility for the solution of their own social, economic, and political problems. - Dr. Thomas Naylor, professor emeritus of economics at Duke University
  477. The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse. - Edmund Burke
  478. Those who have been once intoxicated with power, and have derived any kind of emolument from it, even though but for one year, can never willingly abandon it. - Edmund Burke
  479. The power which a multiple millionaire, who may be my neighbor and perhaps my employer, has over me is very much less than that which the smallest "functionaire" possesses who wields the coercive power of the state, and on whose desecration it depends whether and how I am allowed to live or to work. - Frederich von Hayek, The Road to Serfdom
  480. Of all 36 ways to get out of trouble, the best way is - leave. - Chinese Proverb
  481. Few of us can easily surrender our belief that society must somehow make sense. The thought that the State has lost its mind and is punishing so many innocent people is intolerable. And so the evidence has to be internally denied. - Arthur Miller
  482. Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from mistaken conviction. - Blaise Pascal
  483. Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny. - Edmund Burke
  484. A government is not legitimate merely because it exists. - Jeane J. Kirkpatrick
  485. Resistance to tyranny is service to God. - James Madison
  486. We do many things at the federal level that would be considered dishonest and illegal if done in the private sector. - Donald T. Regan
  487. [During the 20th century] - 170 million men, women, and children have been shot, beaten, tortured, knifed, burned, starved, frozen, crushed, or worked to death; buried alive, drowned, hung, bombed, or killed in any other of the myriad ways governments have inflicted death on unarmed, helpless citizens and foreigners. - R. J. Rummel, Death by Government
  488. Single acts of tyranny may be ascribed to the accidental opinion of a day. But a series of oppressions, begun at a distinguished period, and pursued unalterably through every change of ministers, too plainly proves a deliberate systematic plan of reducing us to slavery. - Thomas Jefferson
  489. This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs; when he first appears he is a protector. - Plato circa 400 B.C.
  490. The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly self-administered by its victims. The most perfect slaves are, therefore, those which blissfully and unawaredly enslave themselves. - Dresden James
  491. I am unable to accept the idea that I should be an obedient subject of a gang of corrupt, unprincipled thugs who pontificate about freedom while enslaving the population. - John Pugsley, JPJ Nov 96
  492. By the year 2012, projected outlays for entitlements and interest on the national debt will consume all tax revenues collected by the federal government - There will not be one cent left over for education, children's programs, highways, national defense, or any other discretionary program. - Bipartisan U.S. Commission on Entitlement and Tax Reform
  493. Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. - Richard Lamm, former Gov of Colorado
  494. A government debt is a government claim against personal income and private property - an unpaid tax bill. - Hans F. Sennholz, Debts & Deficits
  495. There is no art which government sooner learns of another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people. - Adam Smith, Wealth of Nations
  496. The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but a swindling futurity on a large scale. - Thomas Jefferson
  497. I fear for our nation. Nearly half of our people receive some kind of government subsidy. We have grown weak from too much affluence and too little adversity. I fear that soon we will not be able to defend our country from our sure and certain enemies. We have debased our currency to the point that even the most loyal citizen no longer trusts it. - A Roman Senator in A.D. 63
  498. The Social Security system did not begin as an attempt to sabotage people's ability to plan for retirement, but it has worked out that way. The politicians who originally planned the system probably had no idea how it would turn out. But today's politicians know the system is rotted, and yet they refuse to make the changes necessary to free the American people from it. Instead, they make it worse. - Ed Clark 1980 LP presidential candidate, A New Beginning
  499. While the feds - leave Social Security off their books, the government's obligation to make benefit payments to current and near-term Social Security recipients is certainly no less real than its obligation to pay interest on its Treasury bonds. - Laurence K. Kotlikoff, Harvard Business Review, "From Deficit Delusion to Generational Accounting", May-June, 1993
  1. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
  2. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  3. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
  4. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
  5. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  6. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  7. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  8. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
  9. 640K ought to be enough RAM for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
  10. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  11. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  12. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  13. A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
  14. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
  15. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
  16. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
  17. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... Go figure!
  18. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
  19. A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
  20. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  21. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  22. A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams
  23. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
  24. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  26. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  28. A day without sunshine is like night.
  29. Adults are just kids who owe money.
  30. Advice - Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your forehead.
  31. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
  32. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  33. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  34. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  35. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  36. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
  37. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
  38. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  39. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  40. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun."
  41. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  42. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  43. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
  44. A lady friend of mine told me that at her age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
  45. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  46. All computers wait at the same speed.
  47. All generalizations are false
  48. All generalizations are false, including this one.
  49. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  50. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.
  51. All I want in life is a warm bed, and unlimited power.
  52. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  53. All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  54. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  55. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  56. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  57. All women are idiots... and I married their queen.
  58. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.
  59. Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  60. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  61. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  62. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
  63. Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
  64. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  65. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  66. Ambition is the last refuge of a failure.
  67. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  68. A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
  69. AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
  70. A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. - Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961)
  71. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. - E. B. White
  72. An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
  73. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  74. And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
  75. And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
  76. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
  77. Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.
  78. An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. - Mohandas Gandhi
  79. An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
  80. Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe
  81. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
  82. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
  83. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  84. A penny saved is ridiculous.
  85. A preposition must never be used to end a sentence with.
  86. Are the kids on the Barney Show just too damn happy?
  87. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
  88. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
  89. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  90. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  91. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  92. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  93. As I always say "I never repeat myself"
  94. A singles bar is a place people go to in hopes of meeting the sort of person who wouldn't be caught dead in a singles bar.
  95. Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
  96. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  97. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  98. Assassins do it from behind.
  99. As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." - Roger Matthews
  100. Assphasia- a condition where your face looks so much like your butt your bowels don't know which way to move.
  101. As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her paper or plastic? Doesn't matter, she replied, I'm bisackual.
  102. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
  103. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  104. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  105. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  106. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
  107. Avoid unnecessary, unessential and needless repetition and redundancy.
  108. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  109. Back off man. I'm a scientist.
  110. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
  111. Backups? Backups? We don't need no stinking backups!
  112. Bad breath is better than no breath.
  113. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
  114. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  115. Be different. Conform.
  116. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  117. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  118. Better living through denial.
  119. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  120. Black holes really suck.
  121. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  122. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  123. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  124. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  125. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  126. Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste
  127. Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.
  128. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  129. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
  130. By the turn of this century, we will live in a paperless society. - Roger Smith, chairman of General Motors, 1986
  131. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  132. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  133. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  134. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  135. Can you buy anything specific at a general store?
  136. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
  137. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  138. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  139. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
  140. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  141. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
  142. Chastity is curable if detected early.
  143. Clones are people two.
  144. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
  145. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  146. Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other person can spell.
  147. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  148. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
  149. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  150. Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
  151. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  152. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  153. Consider, the Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
  154. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  155. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  156. Cranial-rectal inversion disorder - a condition where one's head is where one's butt should be and vice-versa, causing an otherwise sensible person to make an ass of himself.
  157. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
  158. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  159. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  160. Dain bramaged.
  161. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
  162. Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
  163. Deja Fu: The feeling that you've screwed this up before.
  164. Deja Goo: The feeling that you've stepped in this before.
  165. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  166. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
  167. Department of Redundancy Department
  168. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  169. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
  170. Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
  171. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
  172. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" - Until you can find a rock.
  173. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  174. Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail. - Clive James, London Sunday Observer 17 Dec 78
  175. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art
  176. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  177. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
  178. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  179. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  180. Does it bother you that doctors call what they do a practice?
  181. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected the expected.
  182. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  183. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  184. Do fish get cramps after eating?
  185. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  186. Do I BELIEVE in the Bible? Hell, I've actually SEEN one!
  187. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  188. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  189. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  190. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  191. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good toasted.
  192. Don't be accommodating, be honest. I honestly don't have much more time for anything else.
  193. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  194. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  195. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  196. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
  197. Don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more. - John Prine
  198. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  199. Don't tell anyone, but duct tape is The Force. It has a dark side, and a light side, and it binds the Universe together.
  200. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  201. Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
  202. Do people in France use American ticklers?
  203. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
  204. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
  205. Do unto others, then run like hell.
  206. Do witches run spell checkers?
  207. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  208. Dumb Question Department: Been swimming. Smart Answer: No, I was out walking my pet fish!
  209. DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  210. Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
  211. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  212. Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
  213. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
  214. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  215. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  216. E Pluribus Modem
  217. Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
  218. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue ...
  219. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
  220. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  221. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  222. Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
  223. Even if you are happy to see me, get that umbrella outta my butt!!!
  224. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  225. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
  226. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  227. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  228. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  229. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  230. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  231. Everybody repeat after me ...We are all individuals.
  232. ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  233. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.
  234. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but your abusing the privilege.
  235. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
  236. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  237. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  238. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
  239. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  240. FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing.
  241. Fear has its use but cowardice has none. - Mohandas Gandhi
  242. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  243. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  244. First to come are the midgets, a monkey and a kid. Followed by those two one-armed jugglers, the ego and the id - Gordon Lightfoot
  245. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  246. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  247. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
  248. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  249. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  250. Friction can be a real drag.
  251. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  252. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  253. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  254. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
  255. Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts - Jeff Foxworthy
  256. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain
  257. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to phish and he'll suck your bank account dry
  258. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
  259. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
  260. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  261. Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
  262. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  263. God must love stupid people... He made so many.
  264. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  265. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  266. Good judgment comes from bad experience... Which comes from bad judgment
  267. Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness. - George Jean Nathan
  268. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
  269. Half the people you know are below average.
  270. Hang up and drive.
  271. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  272. Hard work has a future payoff - Laziness pays off now.
  273. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  274. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  275. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
  276. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  277. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  278. Hermits have no peer pressure.
  279. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  280. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  281. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  282. Hit any user to continue.
  283. Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
  284. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
  285. Honk If you want to see my finger
  286. How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?
  287. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  288. How come a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  289. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
  290. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
  291. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  292. How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy. - Friedrich Nietzsche
  293. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. . . .
  294. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
  295. Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. - Mary Hirsch
  296. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
  297. I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it
  298. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  299. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
  300. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
  301. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
  302. I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  303. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  304. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  305. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  306. I can't see the point in the theater. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course. - Baldrick - Sense and Senility
  307. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  308. I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  309. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  310. I don't get even, I get odder.
  311. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
  312. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  313. I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
  314. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  315. I'd rather be in Biscuit City with my banjo in my hands - Gordon Lightfoot
  316. If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/7-days a week, why do they have locks on the front door?
  317. If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?
  318. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  319. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  320. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  321. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  322. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
  323. If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  324. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  325. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  326. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  327. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  328. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  329. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  330. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  331. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
  332. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
  333. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
  334. If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from?
  335. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  336. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  337. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  338. If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
  339. If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. - Ted Turner
  340. If it ain't broke fix it anyway! If it's broke fix it and make it worse!
  341. If it's a hobby to us and a job to you, why are you doing such a shoddy job? - Linus Torvalds to Microsoft
  342. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  343. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  344. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  345. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  346. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
  347. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  348. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  349. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
  350. If mother always knows best...What happens when two mothers disagree?
  351. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  352. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  353. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  354. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
  355. If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
  356. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  357. If there is a god, he will understand why I don't believe in him.
  358. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
  359. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
  360. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  361. If toast always lands butter-side-down, and a cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast on the back of a cat & dropped it?
  362. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  363. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
  364. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
  365. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  366. If you blow into a dog's face, it will drive it crazy. Why is it when you take them for a ride in a car, they stick their head out of the window?
  367. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
  368. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  369. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
  370. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  371. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
  372. If you had everything, where would you keep it?
  373. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.
  374. If you knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
  375. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
  376. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk Of Magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
  377. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  378. If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. - Michel de Montaigne
  379. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  380. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
  381. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  382. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  383. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  384. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  385. If you were driving your car at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights. Would anything happen?
  386. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
  387. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!
  388. I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. - Mother Teresa
  389. I have no choice but to believe in free will. - Randy Wayne White
  390. I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison
  391. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  392. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
  393. I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to three miles late to meetings.
  394. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
  395. I intend to live forever - so far, so good
  396. I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me!"
  397. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
  398. I just love the French. They taste just like chicken! - Hannibal Lecter
  399. I know how I want to die...shot at the age of 108 by a jealous husband!
  400. I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
  401. I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.
  402. I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
  403. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  404. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
  405. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
  406. Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
  407. I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. - Solomon Short
  408. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.
  409. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  410. I'm a tagline virus, please copy me to your signature file
  411. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  412. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
  413. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
  414. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  415. I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
  416. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  417. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
  418. I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. - Garry Shandling
  419. I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  420. In any conflict the boundaries of behavior are defined by the party which cares least about morality. - Randy Wayne White
  421. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  422. Individualists of the world, UNITE!
  423. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
  424. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. - Erich Fromm
  425. In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
  426. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  427. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  428. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  429. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it appear normal.
  430. Introducing LITE - the new way to spell LIGHT with 20% fewer letters!
  431. I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...They have no holidays
  432. I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
  433. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
  434. I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  435. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
  436. I see no virtue in outliving my ability to have fun.
  437. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  438. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  439. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
  440. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  441. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  442. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
  443. Is there another word for synonym?
  444. I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine
  445. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
  446. It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses
  447. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
  448. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
  449. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  450. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  451. It is bad luck to be superstitious.
  452. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  453. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  454. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
  455. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  456. I tried to backup my hard drive but I couldn't figure out how to put it in reverse
  457. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
  458. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  459. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
  460. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  461. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  462. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
  463. I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
  464. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
  465. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
  466. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  467. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  468. I used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.
  469. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  470. I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
  471. I've taken a vow of poverty -- to annoy me, send money
  472. I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
  473. I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. - Benjamin Franklin
  474. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  475. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  476. I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
  477. I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
  478. I was self-employed for two years, and boy was my boss a turkey! :-)
  479. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
  480. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
  481. I was simply furnishing a home. I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant. - Leona Helmsley
  482. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . .they were cramming for their finals..
  483. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  484. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  485. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  486. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
  487. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
  488. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  489. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
  490. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  491. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  492. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
  493. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
  494. Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ... um ... er ... uh ...
  495. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
  496. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
  497. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  498. Just remember one thing in life - no matter where you go - there you are.
  499. Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
  500. Just what the hell was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
  501. Keep honking while I reload.
  502. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  503. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  504. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  505. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
  506. Life is a salad bar and I just keep banging my head on the sneeze guard.
  507. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.
  508. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  509. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  510. Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia
  511. Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - H. L. Mencken
  512. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken
  513. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  514. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  515. Making music should not be left to the professionals. - Michelle Shocked
  516. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  517. Maybe some lonesome picker will find some healing in my songs. - John Stewart
  518. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  519. Middle Age is when actions creak louder than words
  520. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
  521. Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo
  522. Music is essentially useless, as life is. - George Santayana
  523. Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde
  524. Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me when I'm too old for sex, and not quite ready to meet God. - Dolly Parton
  525. My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
  526. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  527. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  528. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
  529. Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
  530. Never argue with a fool; he will soon beat you with his experience.
  531. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  532. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  533. NEWS FLASH! This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department ...
  534. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
  535. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  536. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  537. Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.
  538. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  539. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  540. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
  541. Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
  542. Old dog still learning - please don't shoot yet
  543. Old is when an "All-Nighter" means not getting up to pee
  544. Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and pass
  545. One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.
  546. One of the great tragedies of life is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of brutal facts. - Benjamin Franklin
  547. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
  548. One reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.
  549. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  550. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  551. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
  552. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  553. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  554. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  555. Oooo, baby, it's a big old goofy world. - John Prine
  556. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
  557. Opticalrectitus - a condition in which the optic nerve is connected to the anus. The major symptom is that all observations are routed through the wrong orifice.
  558. Optirectumitis - where the optic nerve gets crossed with the rectal nerve resulting in a crappy outlook on life.
  559. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  560. Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. - Isaac Asimov
  561. Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. - George Jackson
  562. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
  563. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
  564. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  565. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
  566. Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr
  567. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
  568. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  569. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
  570. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
  571. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
  572. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  573. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
  574. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  575. Question: Why do people always seem to find things in the last place that they look? Answer: Because most people stop looking after they find it!
  576. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
  577. Read my chips: No new upgrades!
  578. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  579. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
  580. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be to understand.
  581. Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I could have sworn I forgot this before!
  582. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  583. Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.
  584. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  585. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
  586. Sex: In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. - Marlene Dietrich
  587. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
  588. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  589. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  590. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
  591. Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance"
  592. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  593. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
  594. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  595. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
  596. Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  597. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  598. Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people "Everybody But Me."
  599. Some people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
  600. Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain. - Gordon Lightfoot
  601. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
  602. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
  603. So what's the speed of dark?
  604. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
  605. Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
  606. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  607. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  608. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  609. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
  610. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
  611. Support Cannibalism - Eat me!
  612. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  613. Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
  614. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
  615. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  616. That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile. - Randy Newman
  617. That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
  618. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  619. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
  620. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  621. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!
  622. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  623. The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...
  624. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  625. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
  626. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  627. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  628. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  629. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  630. The gene pool sure could use a little chlorine.
  631. The good old days: When sex was dirty & Michael Jackson was black
  632. The hilarious thing about self-important self-righteous people is that they are so easily baited.
  633. <-------- The information went data way -------->
  634. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  635. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
  636. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
  637. The nice thing about Standards is there are so many to choose from. - Michael Santovec
  638. The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
  639. The only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth.
  640. The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
  641. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  642. There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
  643. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
  644. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  645. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  646. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  647. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
  648. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. - Steve Martin
  649. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
  650. There's nothing more annoying than Stravinsky or the Sex Pistols being drowned out by "You've got mail!"
  651. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers
  652. There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes. - Guy Clark
  653. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
  654. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. - Jerry Seinfeld
  655. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
  656. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  657. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  658. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  659. The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.
  660. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
  661. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
  662. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
  663. Think honk if you're telepathic.
  664. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
  665. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
  666. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
  667. Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
  668. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
  669. Too many clicks spoil the browse
  670. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  671. Try not to let your mind wander. it's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  672. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  673. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  674. Unable to close TROUSER.ZIP! - Replace floppy and retry (Y/N)
  675. Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes.
  676. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
  677. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
  678. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  679. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  680. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
  681. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
  682. We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party. - Mohandas Gandhi
  683. What do people in China call their good plates?
  684. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  685. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  686. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  687. What happened to Preparations A through G?
  688. What happened to the first 6 ups?
  689. What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
  690. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  691. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  692. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
  693. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  694. What is the speed of dark?
  695. What's another word for synonym?
  696. What's another word for thesaurus?
  697. What's so great about sliced bread? Isn't the bread slicer really more impressive?
  698. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  699. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
  700. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
  701. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  702. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down till the feeling goes away.
  703. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  704. When God is amazed, does he say: "Oh my Me!"?
  705. When I am asked, "What do you think of our audience?" I answer, "I know two kinds of audiences only--one coughing, and one not coughing." - Arthur Schnabel
  706. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  707. When it's your lie, you can tell it any way you want
  708. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  709. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
  710. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  711. When you do a good deed, get a receipt - In case heaven is like the IRS.
  712. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
  713. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  714. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  715. Where there's a will - I want to be in it.
  716. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  717. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  718. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  719. Who so loves believes the impossible. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
  720. Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? -H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
  721. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?
  722. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  723. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
  724. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when you can't smoke there?
  725. Why are people willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?
  726. Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
  727. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  728. Why are there tags on blow-dryers that say Do Not Use In The Shower? Is this really a problem?
  729. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  730. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
  731. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  732. Why can we shop in a store but we can't store in a shop?
  733. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  734. Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
  735. Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
  736. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
  737. Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
  738. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?
  739. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  740. Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  741. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
  742. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  743. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  744. Why do people ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
  745. Why do people ask "Has the bus come yet"? If the bus came would I be standing here!
  746. Why do people leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage?
  747. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
  748. Why do people say "did you see that" when watching a movie at the theater? No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor!
  749. Why do people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
  750. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  751. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  752. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  753. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
  754. Why do they report power outages on TV?
  755. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  756. Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
  757. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
  758. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
  759. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  760. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  761. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
  762. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
  763. Why do you always turn down your radio when looking for an address?
  764. Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
  765. Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
  766. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  767. Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
  768. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
  769. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?
  770. Why is it that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
  771. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  772. Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit button as though he has some magical powers that you don't?
  773. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
  774. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
  775. Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way is sounds?
  776. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  777. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  778. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  779. Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
  780. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  781. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
  782. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  783. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  784. Yes, I guess, they oughtta name a drink after you. - John Prine
  785. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
  786. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
  787. You can't fall off the floor.
  788. You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
  789. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  790. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  791. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  792. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
  793. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
  794. You know how most packages say "Open here"? What if it said, "Open somewhere else?"
  795. You must be Daddy's little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll. - John Prine
  796. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  797. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  798. Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
  799. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
  800. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
  801. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  802. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  803. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  804. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  805. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  806. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
  807. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
  808. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
  809. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
  810. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  811. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  812. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  813. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
  814. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
  815. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  816. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  817. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  818. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
  819. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  820. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
  821. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  822. Can god conceive of something that he can't create or destroy? If so then he's not all powerful. If not then he's not all-knowing.
  823. Calling atheism a religion is like calling baldness a hair color.
  824. God is an imaginary friend for adults...
  825. Christianity is the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
  826. Please, God, deliver us from your followers!
  827. The only stupid questions are the ones you didn't Google first!
  828. Big Bang is just a theory, while God is just a baseless claim.
  829. If you talk to god, it's called religion. If god talks to you it's called insanity.
  830. Thank God for Atheism.
  831. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
  832. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
  833. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
  834. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
  835. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
  836. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
  837. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
  838. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
  839. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
  840. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
  841. Courage is knowing what not to fear.
  842. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
  843. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
  844. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  845. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
  846. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
  847. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
  848. I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
  849. There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
  850. He's dead. It's been 2,000 years. He's not coming back. Get over it already!
  851. If god wanted people to believe in him, then why did he invent logic?.
  852. I forget - Which day did god make all the fossils?
  853. If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
  854. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
  855. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
  856. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
  857. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
  858. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
  859. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
  860. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
  861. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
  862. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
  863. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
  864. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
  865. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
  866. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  867. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  868. Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  869. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker.%
  870. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  871. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  872. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
  873. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
  874. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. just get up and dance.
  875. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  876. The second mouse gets the cheese.
  877. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  878. Birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.
  879. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person*.
  880. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  881. We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
  882. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  883. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  884. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  885. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  886. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  887. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  888. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  889. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  890. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  891. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  892. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  893. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  894. The box said to install Windows XP/Vista or better - so I installed Linux!
  895. I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can't part with it!
  896. Psychic convention cancelled due to unforseen circumstances
  897. Tradition is peer pressure from the dead
  898. I used to think I was indecisive, now I'm not so sure
  899. Just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay... for the 22nd time!
  900. I wish I had a pair of skinny genes
  901. Two silk worms were in a race, it ended in a tie
  902. My ex wife said I never listen to her, or something like that
  903. Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body
  904. Having a dog named Shark at the beach was a real mistake
  905. went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there
  906. I child proofed my house, but the kids still get in
  907. Can't decide if I want to go off the grid or off the rails
  908. Astronauts use Linux because you can't open Windows in space
  909. Ban pre-shredded cheese - Make America Grate Again!
  910. Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
  911. A dentist married a manicurist - they fought tooth and nail!
  912. I call my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs
  913. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet - I don't know Y
  914. If a cow can't make milk is it an udder failure or a milk dud?
  915. Dogs can't operate MRI scanners but cats can
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