- A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count
on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
- America needs fewer laws, not more prisons. - James
- War is just one more big government program. -
- Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes,
exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet
that did not commit suicide. - John Adams (1814)
- They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little
temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. -
- One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that
the evils in this world are to be cured by
legislation. - Thomas B. Reed (1886)
- If you are not free to choose wrongly and irresponsibly, you
are not free at all. - Jacob Hornberger (1995)
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
- The more corrupt the state, the more it
legislates. - Tacitus
- Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is
force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful
master. - George Washington
- No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
- There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for
what he does not want merely because you think it would be good
for him. - Robert Heinlein
- The true danger is when Liberty is nibbled away, for
expedients. - Edmund Burke (1899)
- Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations;
entangling alliances with none. - Thomas Jefferson
- The triumph of persuasion over force is the sign of a
civilized society. - Mark Skousen
- A wise and frugal government which shall restrain men from
injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to
regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and
shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has
earned. This is the sum of good government. - Thomas
- The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists
it. - John Hay (1872)
- Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard
- The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and
government to gain ground. - Thomas Jefferson
- Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous
sea of Liberty. - Thomas Jefferson
- None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely
believe they are free. - Goethe
- When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is
a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence. - Gary
- Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives
under. - H.L. Mencken
- The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for
the urge to rule. - H.L. Mencken
- It is not the business of government to make men virtuous or
religious, or to preserve the fool from the consequences of his
own folly. Government should be repressive no further than is
necessary to secure liberty by protecting the equal rights of
each from aggression on the part of others, and the moment
governmental prohibitions extend beyond this line they are in
danger of defeating the very ends they are intended to
serve. - Henry George
- Where morality is present, laws are unnecessary. Without
morality, laws are unenforceable. - Anonymous
- Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation
in the pursuit of justice is no virtue. - Barry
- Liberty is not a means to a political end. It is itself the
highest political end. - Lord Acton
- The power to tax is the power to destroy. - John
- [On ancient Athens]: In the end, more than freedom, they
wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life, and they lost
it all - security, comfort, and freedom. When the
Athenians finally wanted not to give to society but for society
to give to them, when the freedom they wished for most was
freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free and
was never free again. - Edward Gibbon
- Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its
victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live
under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The
robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at
some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own
good will torment us without end, for they do so with the
approval of their own conscience. - C. S. Lewis
- Vices are simply the errors which a man makes in his search
after his own happiness. Unlike crimes, they imply no malice
toward others, and no interference with their persons or
property. - Lysander Spooner
- In order to get power and retain it, it is necessary to love
power; but love of power is not connected with goodness but with
qualities that are the opposite of goodness, such as pride,
cunning, and cruelty. - Leo Tolstoy
- There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any
government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well,
when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares
so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible to live
without breaking laws. - Ayn Rand
- If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of
servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go
home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your
arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your
chains set lightly upon you; and may posterity forget that ye
were our countrymen. - Samuel Adams
- If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose
its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or
money that it values more, it will lose that, too. -
- A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of
government. It can only exist until a majority of voters
discover that they can vote themselves largess out of the public
treasury. - Alexander Tytler
- A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your
money. - G. Gordon Liddy
- The United States is a nation of laws, badly written and
randomly enforced. - Frank Zappa
- Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women. When it dies
there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it. -
Justice Learned Hand
- It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get
yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go
about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used
in the struggle for independence. - Charles
- A nation of sheep will beget a government of
wolves. - Edward R. Murrow
- The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only
as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my
neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither
picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. - Thomas Jefferson
- The desire to rule is the mother of heresies. -
St. John Chrysostom
- Can our form of government, our system of justice, survive
if one can be denied a freedom because he might abuse it?
- Harlon Carter
- It is not the responsibility of the government or the legal
system to protect a citizen from himself. - Justice
- No one can read our Constitution without concluding that the
people who wrote it wanted their government severely limited;
the words "no" and "not" employed in restraint of government
power occur 24 times in the first seven articles of the
Constitution and 22 more times in the Bill of Rights. -
Edmund A. Opitz
- The government was set to protect man from criminals
- and the Constitution was written to protect man from
the government. - Ayn Rand
- The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is
that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
- What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians. - Edward Langley
- I believe that every individual is naturally entitled to do
as he pleases with himself and the fruits of his labor, so far
as it in no way interferes with any other men's
rights. - Abraham Lincoln
- Those who expect to reap the benefits of freedom, must, like
men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. - Thomas
- Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we
have. - Harry Emerson Fosdick
- The state in which the rulers are the most reluctant to
govern is always the best and most quietly governed; and the
state in which they are the most eager, the worst. -
- It is much more important to kill bad bills than to pass
good ones. - Calvin Coolidge
- To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the
propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is
sinful and tyrannical. - Thomas Jefferson
- It is dangerous to be right when the government is
wrong. - Voltaire
- The war for freedom will never really be won because the
price of our freedom is constant vigilance over ourselves and
over our Government. - Eleanor Roosevelt
- Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national
debt. - Herbert Hoover
- Give me liberty or give me death! - Patrick
- First they came for the Jews, but I did nothing because I'm
not a Jew. Then they came for the socialists, but I did nothing
because I'm not a socialist. Then they came for the Catholics,
but I did nothing because I'm not a Catholic. Finally, they came
for me, but by then there was no one left to help me. -
Pastor Father Niemoller (1946)
- Government at its best is a necessary evil, and at its
worst, an intolerant one. - Thomas Paine
- There's never been a good government. - Emma
- We must have government, but we must watch them like a
hawk. - Millicent Fenwick (1983)
- Useless laws weaken the necessary laws. -
- A little government and a little luck are necessary in life,
but only a fool trusts either of them. -
P. J. O'Rourke
- Government never furthered any enterprise but by the
alacrity with which it got out of its way. - Henry David
- Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark
- There is no distinctly native American criminal class save
Congress. - Mark Twain
- Talk is cheap - except when Congress does
it. - Cullen Hightower
- You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain
honest. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
- [Political] offices are as acceptable here as elsewhere, and
whenever a man cast a longing eye on them, a rottenness begins
in his conduct. - Thomas Jefferson (1799)
- The single most exciting thing you encounter in government
is competence, because it's so rare. - Daniel Patrick
- The most fundamental purpose of government is defense, not
empire. - Joseph Sobran (1995)
- Governments harangue about deficits to get more revenue so
they can spend more. - Allan H. Meltzer (1993)
- When important issues affecting the life of an individual
are decided by somebody else, it makes no difference to the
individual whether that somebody else is a king, a dictator, or
society at large. - James Taggart (1992)
- No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of
society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we
shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for
stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. -
P. J. O'Rourke (1992)
- Here's your enemy for this week, the government says. And
some gullible Americans click their heels and salute -
often without knowing who or even where the enemy of the week
is. - Charley Reese (1998)
- The great virtue of a free market system is that it does not
care what color people are; it does not care what their religion
is; it only cares whether they can produce something you want to
buy. It is the most effective system we have discovered to
enable people who hate one another to deal with one another and
help one another. - Milton Friedman
- The best government is the one that charges you the least
blackmail for leaving you alone. - Thomas Rudmose-Brown
- If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
- The Government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the
other. - Ronald Reagan
- Americans have the right and advantage of being armed
- unlike the citizens of other countries whose
governments are afraid to trust the people with arms. -
- The whole of the Bill [of Rights] is a declaration of the
right of the people at large or considered as individuals - It
establishes some rights of the individual as unalienable and
which consequently, no majority has a right to deprive them
of. - Albert Gallatin (1789)
- The Constitution shall never be construed - to prevent the
people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from
keeping their own arms. - Samuel Adams
- I should have loved freedom, I believe, at all times, but in
the time in which we live I am ready to worship it. -
Alexis De Toqueville
- I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility
against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. -
Thomas Jefferson (1800)
- I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change. -
- If you have ten thousand regulations, you destroy all
respect for the law. - Winston Churchill
- Tyranny is always better organized than freedom. -
- The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the
destiny of the Republican model of government, are justly
considered as deeply, perhaps as finally staked, on the
experiment entrusted to the hands of the American
people. - George Washington
- A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's
hand. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca, c. 4BC - 65AD.
- He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy
one. - the Bible, Luke 22:36.
- Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India,
history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of
arms, as the blackest. - Mahatma Gandhi, in Gandhi, An
Autobiography, p. 446
- Whenever is found what is called a paternal government,
there is found state education. It has been discovered that the
best way to ensure implicit obedience is to commence tyranny in
the nursery. - Benjamin Disraeli, 1874
- These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised
contrary to the purposes and principles of the United
Nations. - UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights,
- The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of
the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
- There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you
damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty,
the duty to take the consequences. - P.J. O'Rourke
- Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald
- I was guilty of judging capitalism by its operations and
socialism by its hopes and aspirations; capitalism by its works
and socialism by its literature. - Sidney Hook
- War is the health of the State. - Randolph Bourne
- Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people
in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -
Douglas Casey (1992)
- If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a
liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a
conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere,
you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene
anywhere, you're an extremist. - Joseph Sobran
- In general, the art of government consists in taking as much
money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the
other. - Voltaire (1764)
- Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human
freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of
slaves. - William Pitt (1783)
- When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the
first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -
- A government that is big enough to give you all you want is
big enough to take it all away. - Barry Goldwater
- I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts. - Will Rogers
- Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government
program. - Milton Friedman
- The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace
alarmed - and hence clamorous to be led to safety
- by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins,
all of them imaginary. - H.L. Mencken
- There are just two rules of governance in a free society:
Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. -
P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
- The human race divides politically into those who want
people to be controlled and those who have no such
desire. - Robert A. Heinlein
- Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't
mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles
- There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and
there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays
himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand
the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's
willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who
isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs
is telling us that he'll do good with his own money - if
a gun is held to his head. - P.J. O'Rourke
- The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer
- More laws, less justice. - Marcus Tullius Ciceroca
- The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to
bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against
tyranny in government. - Thomas Jefferson
- Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are
willing to give it to others. - William Allen White
- I have ever deemed it fundamental for the United States
never to take active part in the quarrels of Europe. Their
political interests are entirely distinct from ours. Their
mutual jealousies, their balance of power, their complicated
alliances, their forms and principles of government, are all
foreign to us. They are nations of eternal war. - Thomas
- America does not go abroad in search of monsters to
destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence
of all. She well knows that by enlisting under other banners
than her own, were they even the banners of foreign
independence, she would involve herself beyond the power of
extrication in all the wars of interest and intrigue, of
individual avarice, envy and ambition, which assume the colors
and usurp the standards of freedom. - John Quincy Adams
- An Avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty. It
leads men to stretch, to misinterpret, and to misapply even the
best of laws. He that would make his own liberty secure must
guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this
duty he a establishes a precedent that will reach to
himself. - Thomas Paine (1795)
- Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -
- Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your
government is doing to you. - Joseph Sobran (1990)
- God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always
ready to guard and defend it. - Daniel Webster
- The saddest epitaph which can be carved in memory of a
vanished liberty is that it was lost because its possessors
failed to stretch forth a saving hand while yet there was
time. - Justice George Sutherland (1938)
- The era of resisting big government is never over. -
Paul Gigot (1998)
- Not a place upon earth might be so happy as America. Her
situation is remote from all the wrangling world, and she has
nothing to do but to trade with them. - Thomas Paine
- Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by
pygmies. - Honore de Balzac
- Whoever prefers life to death, happiness to suffering,
well-being to misery must defend without compromise private
ownership in the means of production. - Ludwig von Mises
- If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal
controls on government would be necessary. In framing a
government that is to be administered by men over men, the great
difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to
control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control
itself. - James Madison
- Let the people think they govern and they will be
governed. - William Penn (1693)
- In 1940, teachers were asked what they regarded as the three
major problems in American schools. They identified the three
major problems as: Littering, noise, and chewing gum. Teachers
last year were asked what the three major problems in American
schools were, and they defined them as: Rape, assault, and
suicide. - William Bennett (1993)
- The threat posed by humans to the natural environment is
nothing compared to the threat to humans posed by global
environmental policy. - Fred L. Smith (1992)
- The spirit of truth and the spirit of freedom - they
are the pillars of society. - Henrik Ibsen (1877)
- Government is actually the worst failure of civilized
man. There has never been a really good one, and even those that
are most tolerable are arbitrary, cruel, grasping, and
unintelligent. - H. L. Mencken
- Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the
government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the
government of others? - Thomas Jefferson (1801)
- This country is a one-party country. Half of it is called
Republican and half is called Democrat. It doesn't make any
difference. All the really good ideas belong to the
Libertarians. - Hugh Downs (1997)
- Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts
absolutely. - Lord Acton (1887)
- Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. -
Mao Zedong (1938)
- The difference between libertarianism and socialism is that
libertarians will tolerate the existence of a socialist
community, but socialists can't tolerate a libertarian
community. - David D. Boaz (1997)
- We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift
himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill
- If you have been voting for politicians who promise to give
you goodies at someone else's expense, then you have no right to
complain when they take your money and give it to someone else,
including themselves. - Thomas Sowell (1992)
- War has all the characteristics of socialism most
conservatives hate: Centralized power, state planning, false
rationalism, restricted liberties, foolish optimism about
intended results, and blindness to unintended secondary
results. - Joseph Sobran (1991)
- There never was a good war or a bad peace. -
Benjamin Franklin (1773)
- Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption
of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the
Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of
good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern
well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters,
but they mean to be masters. - Daniel Webster
- Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by
the individual who can labor in freedom. - Albert
- Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread
it. - George Bernard Shaw
- In matters of Power, let no more be heard of confidence in
men, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the
Constitution. - Thomas Jefferson
- The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to
restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to
restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our
lives and interests. - Patrick Henry
- The strength of the Constitution, lies in the will of the
people to defend it. - Thomas Edison
- The Constitution is a written instrument. As such, its
meaning does not alter. That which it meant when it was adopted,
it means now. - South Carolina v. United States, 199
U.S. 437, 448 (1905)
- It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer,
or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from regard to
their own interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity
but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own
necessities but of their advantages. Nobody but a beggar chooses
to depend chiefly upon the benevolence of his fellow
citizens. - Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
- Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of
individual ignorance. - H.L. Mencken
- Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty
economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair
share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that
must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you
have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any
practical sense, limitless. - P. J. O'Rourke, "How to
- Government cannot make man richer, but it can make him
poorer. - Ludwig von Mises
- The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must
be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated
and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be
reduced. If the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt, people must
again learn to work, instead of living on public
assistance. - Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
- Liberals want the government to be your Mommy. Conservatives
want government to be your Daddy. Libertarians want it to treat
you like an adult. - Andre Marrou
- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it
is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the
music which he hears, however measured or far away. -
Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)
- Liberty consists in doing what one desires. - John
Stuart Mill, On Liberty (1859)
- The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised
over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is
to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or
moral, is not sufficient warrant. - John Stuart Mill, On
- Left-wing politicians take away your liberty in the name of
children and of fighting poverty, while right-wing politicians
do it in the name of family values and fighting drugs. Either
way, government gets bigger and you become less free. -
- If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we
despise, we don't believe in it at all. - Noam
- I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only
thing one can be sure of changing is oneself. - Aldous
- The care of every man's soul belongs to himself. But what if
he neglect the care of it? Well what if he neglect the care of
his health or his estate, which would more nearly relate to the
state. Will the magistrate make a law that he not be poor or
sick? Laws provide against injury from others; but not from
ourselves. God himself will not save men against their
wills. - Thomas Jefferson
- America's abundance was not created by public sacrifices to
the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who
pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own
private fortunes. - Ayn Rand
- There's always someone telling you not to do something. The
main thing is just to ignore them. - Tim Robbins
- Everyone thinks about changing the world, but no one thinks
about changing himself. - Leo Tolstoy
- One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics
is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. -
- Every individual necessarily labors to render the annual
revenue of society as great as he can. He generally neither
intends to promote the public interest, nor knows how much he is
promoting it. He intends only his own gain, and he is, in this,
as in many other cases, led by an invisible hand to promote an
end which was not part of his intention. - Adam Smith,
Wealth of Nations
- The conclusion is thus inescapable that the history,
concept, and wording of the Second Amendment to the Constitution
of the United States, as well as its interpretation by every
major commentator and court in the first half-century after its
ratification, indicates that what is protected is an individual
right of a private citizen to own and carry firearms in a
peaceful manner. - Report of the Subcommittee on the
Constitution of the Committee on the Judiciary, United States
Senate, 97th Congress, Second Session (February 1982)
- When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of
both. - James Dale Davidson, National Taxpayers
- If we have to kill 12 people to save 1 human life it will
have been worth it. - Unknown
- Virtually all reasonable laws are obeyed, not because they
are the law, but because reasonable people would do that
anyway. If you obey a law simply because it is the law, that's a
pretty likely sign that it shouldn't be a law. -
- The U.S. Constitution may be flawed, but it's a whole lot
better than what we have now. - Unknown
- The welfare state reduces a citizen to a client,
subordinates them to a bureaucrat, and subjects them to rules
that are anti-work, anti-family, anti-opportunity and
anti-property - Humans forced to suffer under such anti-human
rules naturally develop pathologies. The evening news is the
natural result of the welfare state. - Unknown
- I do not believe that the government should have its long
nose poked into the private consensual relationships between
people. - John Anderson, Independent presidential
- When goods don't cross borders, soldiers will. -
Fredric Bastiat, early French economist
- Manufacturing and commercial monopolies owe their origin not
to a tendency imminent in a capitalist economy but to
governmental interventionist policy directed against free trade
and laissez faire. - Ludwig Mises,
- Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to
protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficial -
the greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment
by men of zeal, well meaning but without
understanding. - Supreme Court Justice Louis
D. Brandeis, 1928
- Tariffs, quotas and other import restrictions protect the
business of the rich at the expense of high cost of living for
the poor. Their intent is to deprive you of the right to choose,
and to force you to buy the high-priced inferior products of
politically favored companies. - Alan Burris, "A Liberty
- Perhaps the removal of trade restrictions throughout the
world would do more for the cause of universal peace than can
any political union of peoples separated by trade
barriers. - Frank Chodorov
- The legacy of Democrats and Republicans approaches:
Libertarianism by bankruptcy. - Nick Nuessle, 1992
- Truth and news are not the same thing. - Katharine
Graham, owner of The Washington Post
- The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a
bit longer. - Henry Kissinger
- We have to offer up scary scenarios, make simplified
dramatic statements, and make little mention of any doubts we
may have. Each of us has to decide what the right balance is
between being effective and being honest. - Stephen
Schneider, environmental activist, in "Discover", Oct. '89
- I think the terror most people are concerned with is the
IRS. - Malcolm Forbes, when asked if he was afraid of
- Let the people decide through the marketplace mechanism what
they wish to see and hear. Why is there this national obsession
to tamper with this box of transistors and tubes when we don't
do the same for Time magazine? - Mark Fowler, FCC
- The usual road to slavery is that first they take away your
guns, then they take away your property, then last of all they
tell you to shut up and say you are enjoying it. - James
- Every friend of freedom must be as revolted as I am by the
prospect of turning the United States into an armed camp, by the
vision of jails filled with casual drug users and of an army of
enforcers empowered to invade the liberty of citizens on slight
evidence. - Milton Friedman, Nobel Prize-winning
- The high rate of unemployment among teenagers, and
especially black teenagers, is both a scandal and a serious
source of social unrest. Yet it is largely a result of minimum
wage laws. We regard the minimum wage law as one of the most, if
not the most, anti-black laws on the statute books. -
Milton Friedman, Nobel Prize-winning economist
- Nothing can destroy a government more quickly than its
failure to observe its own laws, or worse, its disregard of the
charter of its own existence - U.S. Supreme Court
Justice Tom C. Clark - Mapp vs. Ohio
- If we were directed from Washington when to sow and when to
reap, we would soon want for bread. - Thomas
- Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have
fought for was representation without taxation. -
Fletcher Knebel, historian
- Those who do not learn from the mistakes of history are
doomed to repeat them. - George Santayana
- Every man has a property in his own person. This nobody has
any right to but himself. The labor of his body and the work of
his hands are properly his. - John Locke, 1690
- There are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom
of the people by the gradual and silent encroachment of those in
power, than by violent and sudden usurpation. - James
- Taxation of earnings from labor is on a par with forced
labor. Seizing the results of someone's labor is equivalent to
seizing hours from him and directing him to carry on various
activities. - Robert Nozick, Harvard philosopher
- Alcohol didn't cause the high crime rates of the '20s and
'30s, Prohibition did. And drugs do not cause today's alarming
crime rates, but drug prohibition does. - US District
Judge James C. Paine, addressing the Federal Bar Association in
Miami, November, 1991
- The moral and constitutional obligations of our
representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not
coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing
bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people. -
Congressman Ron Paul, 1987
- The man who produces while others dispose of his product is
a slave. - Ayn Rand
- I am interested in politics so that one day I will not have
to be interested in politics. - Ayn Rand
- They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health
care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul
- Even the most Bush-happy, flag suckling jack-arse knows
deep-down inside that something is wrong. America is over and
everyone knows it. The New World Order has a dying empire odor
and changing the channel ain't going to make this go
away. - Jello Biafra
- If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the
undisputed power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is
contrary to the law as given by a judge, and contrary to the
evidence - and the courts must abide by that
decision. - US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals,
1969, 417 F.2d at 1006
- Love your country but fear its government. -
N.E. folk wisdom
- Where is it written in the Constitution, in what section or
clause is it contained, that you may take children from their
parents and parents from their children, and compel them to
fight the battle in any war in which the folly or the wickedness
of government may engage it? - Daniel Webster
- There are many farm handouts; but let's call them what they
really are: a form of legalized theft. Essentially, a
congressman tells his farm constituency, "Vote for me. I'll use
my office to take another American's money and give it to you."
- Walter Williams, economist and syndicated
- National Health Insurance means combining the efficiency of
the Postal Service with the compassion of the I.R.S. - and the
cost accounting of the Pentagon. - Louis Sullivan/Connie
Horner quoted by Novak in _Forbes_
- Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the
SA - ordinary citizens don't need guns, as their having
guns doesn't serve the State. - Heinrich Himmler
- The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights
is stated in 463 words. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains
266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of
cabbage contains 26,911 words. - The Atlanta
- Government does not grow by seizing our freedoms, but by
assuming our responsibilities. - Michael Cloud
- The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break
your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it
weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to
walk". - Harry Browne
- Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes
them. - Ronald Reagan
- The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all
freedom. - Justice William O. Douglas
- Why doesn't everybody just leave everybody else the hell
alone? - Jimmy Durante
- This year will go down in history. For the first time, a
civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be
safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our
lead into the future! - Adolph Hitler  The Weapons
Act of Nazi Germany.
- After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns
away from the people who didn't do it. I sure as hell wouldn't
want to live in a society where the only people allowed guns are
the police and the military. - William S. Burroughs
- To tax the larger incomes at a higher percentage than the
smaller, is to lay a tax on industry and economy; to impose a
penalty on people for having worked harder and saved more than
their neighbors. - John Stuart Mill
- When taxes are too high, people go hungry. - Lao
- Show me a movement that doesn't hate somebody and I will
join it at once. - Robert Anton Wilson
- What's *just* has been debated for centuries but let me
offer you my definition of social justice: I keep what I earn
and you keep what you earn. Do you disagree? Well then tell me
how much of what I earn *belongs* to you - and why?
- Walter Williams
- Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient
must be slaves. - Henry David Thoreau
- No matter how disastrously some policy has turned out,
anyone who criticizes it can expect to hear: "But what would you
replace it with?" When you put out a fire, what do you replace
it with? - Thomas Sowell
- A society that robs an individual of the product of his
effort - is not strictly speaking a society, but a mob held
together by institutionalized gang violence. - Ayn
- Society in every state is a blessing, but Government, even
in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state,
an intolerable one. - Thomas Paine
- One of the annoying things about believing in free will and
individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody
to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's
remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's
license. - P.J. O'Rourke
- You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they
could and should do for themselves. - Abraham
- The more laws and restrictions there are, the poorer the
people become. - Lao Tsu
- When all government, in little as in great things, shall be
drawn to Washington as the Center of all power, it will render
powerless the checks provided of one government on another and
will become as venal and oppressive as the government from which
we separated. - Thomas Jefferson
- In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no
place. - Mohandas Gandhi
- Force always attracts men of low morality. - Albert
- A little government involvement is just as dangerous as a
lot - because the first leads inevitably to the
second. - Harry Browne
- It is not charity if it's at the point of a gun. -
- The only proper purpose of a government is to protect man's
rights, which means: to protect him from physical
violence. - Ayn Rand
- When they kept you out it was because you were black; when
they let you in, it is because you are black. That's progress?
- Marilyn French
- No government ever voluntarily reduces itself in
size. Government programs, once launched, never
disappear. - Ronald Reagan
- There is no more country - everyone go
home. - Bracken
- I'm not going to pontificate and tell you to execute your
government at dawn, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. -
- Society exists for the benefit of its members - not
the members for the benefit of society. - Herbert
- When the same man, or set of men, holds the sword and the
purse, there is an end of liberty. - George Mason
- What is a Communist? One who has yearnings - for
equal division of unequal earnings. - Ebenezer
- Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form
of despotism. - Mary McCarthy
- Equality of opportunity is freedom, but equality of outcome
is repression. - Dick Feagler
- There are people who think that plunder loses all its
immorality as soon as it becomes legal. Personally, I cannot
imagine a more alarming situation. -
- The New Deal began, like the Salvation Army, by promising to
save humanity. It ended, again like the Salvation Army, by
running flop-houses and disturbing the peace. -
H. L. Mencken
- A man should be upright, not be kept upright. -
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
- Can any of you seriously say the Bill of Rights could get
through Congress today? It wouldn't even get out of
committee. - F. Lee Bailey
- Socialists make the mistake of confusing individual worth
with success. They believe you cannot allow people to succeed in
case those who fail feel worthless. - Kenneth Baker
- Freedom, morality, and the human dignity of the individual
consists precisely in this; that he does good not because he is
forced to do so, but because he freely conceives it, wants it,
and loves it. - Mikhail Bakunin
- Everyone wants to live at the expense of the State. They
forget that the State lives at the expense of
everyone. - Fr�d�ric Bastiat
- People fear witches, and burn women. - Justice Louis
- The American heritage was one of individual liberty,
personal responsibility and freedom from government -
Unfortunately - that heritage has been lost. Americans no
longer have the freedom to direct their own lives - Today, it
is the government that is free - free to do whatever it
wants. There is no subject, no issue, no matter - that is not
subject to legislation. - Harry Browne
- Communism is like one big phone company. - Lenny
- The people never give up their liberties but under some
delusion. - Edmund Burke
- If we have learned anything in the past quarter century, it
is that we cannot Federalize Virtue. - George Bush
- It must never be unpatriotic to support your country against
your government. It must always be unpatriotic to support your
government against your country. - Stephen
- Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more
damaging than the drug itself. - Jimmy Carter
- The office of the government is not to confer happiness, but
to give men the opportunity to work out happiness for
themselves. - William Ellery Channing
- If you ruin your life, you will pay the price of
rehabilitating yourself - We are not punished for our sins, but
by them. Liberty means responsibility. - Michael
- We are living in a sick society filled with people who would
not directly steal from their neighbor but who are willing to
demand that the government do it for them. - William
- America was born of revolt, flourished on dissent, became
great through experimentation. - Henry Steele
- Perhaps one of the most important accomplishments of my
administration has been minding my own business. -
- You can only be free if I am free. - Clarence
- Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the
decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call
that not a disease but an error of judgment. - Philip
- When a legislature undertakes to proscribe the exercise of a
citizen's constitutional rights it acts lawlessly and the
citizen can take matters into his own hands and proceed on the
basis that such a law is no law at all. - Justice
William O. Douglas
- A tyranny based on - deception and maintained by terror
must inevitably perish from the poison it generates within
itself. - Albert Einstein
- Politics ought to be the part-time profession of every
citizen who would protect the rights and privileges of free
people and who would preserve what is good and fruitful in our
national heritage. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
- That which we call sin in others is experiment for
us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- So long as we need to control other people, however benign
our motives, we are captive to that need. In giving them
freedom, we free ourselves. - Marilyn Ferguson
- Fundamentally, there are only two ways of coordinating the
economic activities of millions. One is central direction
involving the use of coercion - the technique of the
army and of the modern totalitarian state. The other is
voluntary cooperation of individuals - the technique of
the marketplace. - Milton Friedman
- Civil disobedience becomes a sacred duty when the State
becomes lawless or, which is the same thing, corrupt. -
- The right of revolution is an inherent one. When people are
oppressed by their government, it is a natural right they enjoy
to relieve themselves of oppression, if they are strong enough,
whether by withdrawal from it, or by overthrowing it and
substituting a government more acceptable. - Ulysses
- The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is
that they be properly armed. - Alexander Hamilton
- Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison,
and drugs are really expensive in prison. - John
- Past studies by and large confirm the prediction that higher
minimum wages reduce employment opportunities and raise
unemployment, particularly among teenagers, minorities and other
low-skilled workers. - Masanori Hashimoto
- We find many things to which the prohibition of them
constitutes the only temptation. - William Hazlitt
- Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at
the price of chains and slavery! Forbid it, Almighty God! I know
not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty
or give me death! - Patrick Henry
- The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the
appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf
- I never hurt nobody but myself and that's nobody's business
but my own. - Billie Holiday
- Historically, much of the motivation for public schooling
has been to stifle variety and institute social
control. - Jack Hugh
- When we lose the right to be different, we lose the
privilege to be free. - Charles Evans Hughes
- I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent
the government from wasting the labors of the people under the
pretense of taking care of them. - Thomas Jefferson
- It's no accident that capitalism has brought with it
progress, not merely in production but also in knowledge. Egoism
and competition are, alas, stronger forces than public spirit
and sense of duty. - Albert Einstein
- On every question of construction, let us carry ourselves
back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect
the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what
meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or invented against it,
conform to the probable one in which it was passed. -
- According to George Hitchings, co-winner of the 1988 Nobel
Prize in medicine, FDA's five-year delay in approving the
antibacterial drug Septra cost 80,000 lives. - Sam
- He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as
he who helps to perpetuate it. - Martin Luther King,
- I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good
becomes as common as the grass. - Lao Tsu
- If men are good, you don't need government; if men are evil
or ambivalent, you don't dare have one. - Robert
- Low-income workers as a group are the major victims of
minimum wage legislation. - Keith B. Leffler
- Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it
attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes
crimes out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law
strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government
was founded. - Abraham Lincoln
- Public educators, like Soviet farmers, lack any incentive to
produce results, innovate, to be efficient, to make the kinds of
difficult changes that private firms operating in a competitive
market must make to survive. - Carolyn Lochhead
- Those who attack the rationale of the game, and not the
players, are its most formidable adversaries. - James
- Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search
for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no
one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own
view of truth. - Mohandas Gandhi
- If you can cut the people off from their history, then they
can be easily persuaded. - Karl Marx
- In 1950, the average family of four paid 2% of its earnings
to federal taxes. Today it pays 24%- William R. Mattox,
Jr. (sometime before 1996)
- Depressions and mass unemployment are not caused by the free
market but by government interference in the economy. -
Ludwig von Mises
- When they took the 4th Amendment, I was quiet because I
didn't deal drugs. When they took the 6th Amendment, I was
quiet because I am innocent. When they took the 2nd Amendment,
- I was quiet because I don't own a gun. Now they have taken
the 1st Amendment, and I can only be quiet. - Lyle
Myhr In Germany, they first came for the communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then, they
- came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a
Jew - Then they came for the Catholics. I didn't speak up
then because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and
there was no one left to speak up. - Reverend
Martin Niemoller, German Lutheran pastor arrested by the
Gestapo in 1937. It is a popular delusion that the
government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and
- sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required
to waste this much money. - P.J. O'Rourke
- Petty laws breed great crimes. - Ouida
- The essential psychological requirement of a free society is
the willingness on the part of the individual to accept
responsibility for his life. - Edith Packer
- When the government fears the people, it is liberty. When
the people fear the government, it is tyranny. - Thomas
- The course of history shows that as a government grows,
liberty decreases. - Thomas Jefferson
- The most important element of a free society, where
individual rights are held in the highest esteem, is the
rejection of the initiation of violence. All initiation of force
is a violation of someone else's rights, whether initiated by an
individual or the state, for the benefit of an individual or
group of individuals, even if it's supposed to be for the
benefit of another individual or group of
individuals. Legitimate use of violence can only be that which
is required in self-defense. - Congressman Ron Paul, (R)
- As you increase the cost of the license to practice
medicine, you increase the price at which the medical service
must be sold and you correspondingly decrease the number of
people who can afford to buy the service. - William
Pusey, then president of the American Medical Association
- The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who
deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of
minorities. - Ayn Rand
- The American Dream was not about government's taking huge
sums of money (under the label of "taxation") from citizens by
force. The American Dream was about individualism and the
opportunity to achieve success without interference from
others. - Robert Ringer
- Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid
of it. - Will Rogers
- I am convinced that we can do to guns what we've done to
drugs: create a multi-billion dollar underground market over
which we have absolutely no control. - George
- The old parties are husks, with no real soul within either,
divided on artificial lines, boss-ridden and
privilege-controlled, each a jumble of incongruous elements, and
neither daring to speak out wisely and fearlessly on what should
be said on the vital issues of the day. - Theodore
- Laws do not persuade just because they threaten. -
- Armed people are free. No state can control those who have
the machinery and the will to resist, no mob can take their
liberty and property. And no 220-pound thug can threaten the
well-being or dignity of a 110-pound woman who has two pounds of
iron to even things out - People who object to weapons aren't
abolishing violence, they're begging for rule by brute force,
when the biggest, strongest animals among men were always
automatically "right." Guns ended that, and a social democracy
is a hollow farce without an armed populace to make it
work. - L. Neil Smith (from The Probability Broach)
- Let him who would move the world, first move
himself. - Socrates
- What is ominous is the ease with which some people go from
saying that they don't like something to saying that the
government should forbid it. When you go down that road, don't
expect freedom to survive very long. - Thomas
- The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice
within. - Mohandas Gandhi
- However insignificant the minority, and however trifling the
proposed trespass against their rights, no such trespass is
permissible. - Herbert Spencer (from "The Right To
Ignore The State")
- The highwayman takes solely upon himself the responsibility,
danger, and crime of his own act. He does not pretend that he
has any rightful claim to your money, or that he intends to use
it for your own benefit - Furthermore, having taken your money,
he leaves you, as you wish him to do - He does not keep
"protecting" you by commanding you to bow down and serve him; by
requiring you to do this, and forbidding you to do
that. - Lysander Spooner
- If I were a Brazilian without land or money or the means to
feed my children, I would be burning the rain forest
too. - Sting
- I favor free trade in drugs for the same reason the Founding
Fathers favored free trade in ideas: in a free society it is
none of the government's business what ideas a man puts into his
mind; likewise, it should be none of its business what drugs he
puts into his body. - Thomas Szasz
- That government is best which governs least. - Henry
- In the beginning of a change, the Patriot is a scarce man
and brave, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds however,
the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a
Patriot. - Mark Twain
- I love my country far too much to be a
nationalist. - Unknown
- I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the
death your right to say it. - Voltaire
- If even one new drug of the stature of penicillin or
digitalis has been unjustifiably banished to a company's back
shelf because of exceedingly stringent regulatory requirements,
that event will have harmed more people than all the toxicity
that has occurred in the history of modern drug
development. - William Wardell
- It rankles me when somebody tries to force somebody to do
something. - John Wayne
- Before a standing army can rule, the people must be
disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of Europe. The
supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the
sword; because the whole body of people are armed, and
constitute a force superior to any body of regular troops that
can be, on any pretense, raised in the United States. -
- Only in a police state is the job of a policeman
easy. - Orson Welles
- Liberals believe government should take people's earnings to
give to poor people. Conservatives disagree. They think
government should confiscate people's earnings and give them to
farmers and insolvent banks. The compelling issue to both
conservatives and liberals is not whether it is legitimate for
government to confiscate one's property to give to another, the
debate is over the disposition of the pillage. - Walter
- Taking somebody's money without permission is stealing,
unless you work for the IRS; then it's taxation. Killing people
en masse is homicidal mania, unless you work for the Army; then
it's National Defense. Spying on your neighbors is invasion of
privacy, unless you work for the FBI; then it's National
Security. Running a whorehouse makes you a pimp and poisoning
people makes you a murderer, unless you work for the CIA; then
it's counter-intelligence. - Robert Anton Wilson
- Government, in it's last analysis, is organized
force. - Woodrow Wilson
- Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind
it. - Cousin Woodman
- The proper direction of man's thought is not toward the
creation of new laws for government, but toward the acceptance
of every person's moral dignity. - Edmund Yates
- The higher entry standards imposed by licensing laws reduce
the supply of professional services - The poor are the net
losers, because the availability of low-cost service has been
reduced. In essence, the poor subsidize the information research
costs of the rich. - S. David Young
- The pages of history shine on instances of the jury's
exercise of its prerogative to disregard instructions of the
judge. - U.S. vs. Dougherty, 1972
- The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden
to have in their possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms
or other types of arms. The possession of these elements makes
difficult the collection of taxes and dues, and tends to permit
uprising. - Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Japanese Shogun, August
- We ask that the government undertake the obligation above
all of providing citizens with adequate opportunity for
employment and earning a living. The activities of the
individual must not be allowed to clash with the interests of
the community, but must take place within its confines and be
for the good of all. Therefore, we demand: - an end to the
power of the financial interests. We demand profit sharing in
big business. We demand a broad extension of care for the
aged. We demand - the greatest possible consideration of small
business in the purchases of national, state, and municipal
governments. In order to make possible to every capable and
industrious [citizen] the attainment of higher education and
thus the achievement of a post of leadership, the government
must provide an all-around enlargement of our entire system of
public education - We demand the education at government
expense of gifted children of poor parents - The government
must undertake the improvement of public health - by
protecting mother and child, by prohibiting child labor - by
the greatest possible support for all clubs concerned with the
physical education of youth. We combat the - materialistic
spirit within and without us, and are convinced that a permanent
recovery of our people can only proceed from within on the
foundation of the common good before the individual
good. - From the political program of the Nazi Party,
adopted in Munich, February 24, 1920
- I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people,
except for a few public officials. - George Mason.
- The proverb warns that "You should not bite the hand that
feeds you." But maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding
yourself. - Thomas Szasz
- When freedom is outlawed - Only outlaws will be free!
- I have always thanked all my enemies profusely for expanding
my horizons. - Unknown
- Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. -
The Wizard of Oz
- People who create things nowadays can expect to be
prosecuted by highly moralistic people who are incapable of
creating anything. There is no way to measure the chilling
effect on innovation that results from the threats of taxation,
regulation and prosecution against anything that succeeds. We'll
never know how many ideas our government has aborted in the name
protecting us. - Joseph Sobran May 13, 1998 (commenting
on US vs Microsoft)
- I believe the states can best govern our home concerns and
the federal government our foreign ones. - Thomas
- It took about 150 years, starting with a Bill of Rights that
reserved to the states and the people all powers not explicitly
delegated to the federal government, to produce a Supreme Court
willing to rule that growing corn to feed to your own hogs is
interstate commerce and can therefore be regulated by
Congress. - David Friedman, The Machinery of
- I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in
cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way
obstructed interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover
- First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then
He created school boards. - Mark Twain
- The politician attempts to remedy the evil by increasing the
very thing that caused the evil in the first place: legal
plunder. - Fr�d�ric Bastiat
- The police can't stop an intruder, mugger, or stalker from
hurting you. They can pursue him only after he has hurt or
killed you. Protecting yourself from harm is your
responsibility, and you are far less likely to be hurt in a
neighborhood of gun-owners than in one of disarmed citizens
- even if you don't own a gun yourself. - Harry
- The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men
to do nothing. - Edmund Burke
- Patriotism means loving our country, not the
government. - Michael Cloud
- Conservatives and liberals are kindred spirits as far as
government spending is concerned. First, let's make sure we
understand what government spending is. Since government has no
resources of its own, and since there's no Tooth Fairy handing
Congress the funds for the programs it enacts, we are forced to
recognize that government spending is no less than the
confiscation of one person's property to give it to another to
whom it does not belong - in effect, legalized
theft. - Walter Williams
- The Constitution is not neutral. It was designed to take the
government off the backs of people. - Justice William
- The prestige of government has undoubtedly been lowered
considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more
destructive of respect for the government and the law of the
land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open
secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is
closely connected with this. - Albert Einstein
- I'm in favor of legalizing drugs. According to my value
system, if people want to kill themselves, they have every right
to do so. Most of the harm that comes from drugs is because they
are illegal. - Milton Friedman
- One who uses coercion is guilty of deliberate
violence. Coercion is inhuman. - Mohandas Gandhi
- The policy of the American government is to leave their
citizens free, neither restraining nor aiding them in their
pursuits. - Thomas Jefferson
- There comes a time when a moral man can't obey a law which
his conscience tells him is unjust. - Martin Luther
- The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more
thieves and robbers there will be. - Lao Tsu
- You know, if government were a product, selling it would be
illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed
many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever
have. - P.J. O'Rourke
- A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought
not to be trusted by anybody. - Thomas Paine
- Wealth comes from successful individual efforts to please
one's fellow man - that's what competition is all about:
"outpleasing" your competitors to win over the
consumers. - Walter Williams
- To me, it doesn't matter if your scapegoats are the Jews,
the homosexuals, the male sex, the Masons, the Jesuits, the
Welfare Parasites, the Power Elite, the female sex, the
vegetarians, or the Communist Party. To the extent that you need
a scapegoat, you simply have not got your brain programmed to
work as an efficient problem-solving machine. - Robert
- A strong body makes a strong mind. As to the species of
exercise I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to
the body it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the
mind. Let your gun, therefore, be the constant companion of your
walks. - Thomas Jefferson
- The World's Smallest Political Quiz is the single best
outreach tool we libertarians have. -George Getz,
Libertarian Party press secretary
- Gun control? It's the best thing you can do for crooks and
gangsters. I want you to have nothing. If I'm a bad guy, I'm
always gonna have a gun. Safety locks? You will pull the trigger
with a lock on, and I'll pull the trigger. We'll see who
wins. - Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, whose testimony
convicted John Gotti
- Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the
votes decide everything. - Josef V. Stalin
- In our desire to have government become our benefactor and
sustainer, we have allowed it to become our taskmaster and
overlord. As a result, we have become little more than well-fed,
well-entertained slaves to the state. Freedom, as envisioned by
our forefathers, is gone. - Chuck Baldwin 2001
- To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of
the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially
when young, how to use them. - Richard Henry Lee (who
drafted the Second Amendment as well as the rest of the Bill of
- Faced with the pain of freedom, man begs for his
shackles. - Gerry Spence
- I say that the Second Amendment doesn't allow for exceptions
- or else it would have read that the right "to keep and
bear arms shall not be infringed, unless Congress chooses
otherwise." And because there are no exceptions, I disagree with
my fellow panelists who say the existing gun laws should be
enforced. Those laws are unconstitutional [and] wrong -
because they put you at a disadvantage to armed criminals, to
whom the laws are no inconvenience. - Harry Browne,
meetings with NRA's EVP, Wayne LaPierre and other panelists at a
gun rights rally in Hot Springs, AR, 8/8/2000
- The angels and the devils are definitely within us, not
within the machines we use. - Michael Dertouzos
- The limitation of tyrants is the endurance of those they
oppose. - Frederick Douglass
- Gradualism in theory is perpetuity in practice. -
William Lloyd Garrison
- The only thing that saves us from bureaucracy is its
inefficiency. - Eugene McCarthy
- The jury has the right to judge both the law as well as the
fact in controversy. - John Jay, Joint-author of the
Federalist Papers and first U. S. Supreme Court Chief
- There ain't no rules around here! We're trying to accomplish
something. - Thomas Edison
- The ideal Government of all reflective men, from Aristotle
onward, is one which lets the individual alone - one
which barely escapes being no government at all. -
H. L. Mencken
- Most economic fallacies derive - from the tendency to
assume that there is a fixed pie, that one party can gain only
at the expense of another. - Milton Friedman, Economic
Freedom and Representative Government; 1973
- Freedom is essentially a condition of inequality, not
equality. It recognizes as a fact of nature the structural
differences inherent in man - in temperament, character,
and capacity - and it respects those differences. We are
not alike and no law can make us so. - Frank
- When government accepts responsibility for people, then
people no longer take responsibility for themselves. -
- Freedom is a fragile thing and is never more than one
generation away from extinction. - Ronald Reagan
- The cure for evil and disorder is more liberty, not
suppression. - Alexander Berkman
- Live and let live. - Friedrich von Schiller
- The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is
able to think things out for himself, without regard to the
prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes
to the conclusion that the government he lives under is
dishonest, insane, and intolerable - -
H. L. Mencken
- It is better to die on your feet than live on your
knees. - Emiliano Zapta, Mexican revolutionary
- The times call for courage. The times call for hard
work. But if the demands are high, it is because the stakes are
even higher. They are nothing less than the future of human
liberty, which means the future of civilization. - Henry
- Blacks were not enslaved because they were black but because
they were available. Slavery has existed in the world for
thousands of years. Whites enslaved other whites in Europe for
centuries before the first black was brought to the Western
hemisphere. Asians enslaved Europeans. Asians enslaved other
Asians. Africans enslaved other Africans, and indeed even today
in North Africa, blacks continue to enslave blacks. -
Thomas Sowell, a black sociologist, author and columnist
- To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of
men. - Abraham Lincoln
- These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier
and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the
service of his country; but he that stands it now deserves the
love and thanks of man and woman. Heaven knows how to put a
proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if
so celestial an article as Freedom should not be highly
rated. - Thomas Paine
- We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are
created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with
certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness. - The Declaration of
- Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally
outraged by silence. - Henri Frederic Amiel
- Liberty is always unfinished business. -
- And now that the legislators and do gooders have futilely
inflicted so many systems upon society, may they finally end
where they should have begun: May they reject all systems. And
try liberty - - Frederic Bastiat, 1850
- Everyone carries a part of society on his shoulders; no one
is relieved of his share of responsibility by others. And no one
can find a safe way out for himself if society is sweeping
towards destruction. Therefore, everyone, in his own interests,
must thrust himself vigorously into the intellectual
battle. None can stand aside with unconcern; the interests of
everyone hangs on the results. Whether he chooses or not, every
man is drawn into the greatest historical struggle, the decisive
battle into which our epoch has plunged us. - Ludwig von
- If our country is to survive and prosper, we must summon the
courage to condemn and reject the liberal agenda, and we had
better do it soon. - Walter E. Williams, "The Gathering
- I think we need to find out why the citizens of the world's
wealthiest, most envied, most powerful country are so cynical,
so distressed, so angry, so ticked of about so many
things. - William J. Bennett, former Secretary of
- If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping
on a human face - forever. - George Orwell,
- Not only can no one predict the future, we don't understand
the present - and there isn't even any certainty about
the past. - Harry Browne
- A man who walks down the centre line of a road risks getting
hit from both sides. - Alexander Ziatanovic
- It ain't so much what a man doesn't know that causes him so
many problems, but what he knows that ain't so. - Will
- To take what there is, and use it, without waiting forever
in vain for the preconceived - to dig deep into the
actual and get something out of it - this doubtless is
the right way to live. - Henry James
- The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -
- Men are most apt to believe what they least
understand. - Montaigne
- When a well-packaged web of lies has been sold gradually to
the masses over generations, the truth will seem utterly
preposterous and its speaker a raving lunatic. - Dresden
- I have thought that a man of tolerable abilities may work
great changes if he first forms a good plan and makes the
execution of that same plan his whole study and
business. - Benjamin Franklin
- For all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are
these, "It might have been!" - John Greenleaf
- It takes time to ruin a world, but time is all it
takes. - Bernard DeFoutenelle
- People never believe in volcanoes until the lava actually
overtakes them. - George Santayana
- After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto
accident, it makes you wonder about history. - Bits &
- A nation which does not remember what it was yesterday does
not know where it is today. - Robert E. Lee
- Ever since its founding in 1913, the Fed has described
itself as an "independent" agency operated by selfless public
servants striving to "fine-tune" the economy through monetary
policy. In reality, however, a non-political governmental
institution is as likely as a barking cat. - Thomas
- I do not deny the allegation, I deny the
allegator. - Jesse Jackson [!]
- Those who take the most from the table, teach
contentment. Those for whom the taxes are destined, demand
sacrifice. Those who eat their fill, speak to the hungry, of
wonderful times to come. Those who lead the country into the
abyss, call ruling difficult, for ordinary folk. -
- The worst forms of tyranny, or certainly the most successful
ones, are not those we rail against but those that so insinuate
themselves into the imagery of our consciousness, and the fabric
of our lives, as not to be perceived as tyranny. -
- Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and
sets the record straight. - Proverbs 18:17
- War is peace; freedom is slavery; ignorance is
strength. - George Orwell
- The Revolution will be complete when the language is
perfect. - George Orwell, 1984
- For the totalitarian mind, adherence to state propaganda
does not suffice: one must display proper enthusiasm while
marching in the parade. - Noam Chomsky
- Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most
dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that
could most easily defeat us all. - Justice William
- An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and
prints the chaff. - Adlai Stevenson
- The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the
man who reads nothing but the newspapers. - Thomas
- When the mass media in some foreign countries serve as
megaphones for the rhetoric of their government, the result is
ludicrous propaganda. When the mass media in our country serve
as megaphones for the rhetoric of the U.S. government, the
result is responsible journalism. - Norman Solomon
- A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of
a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms,
shall not be infringed. - Second Amendment to the
- An armed society is a polite society. - Robert
- The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment
at all, it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible
to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized
citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. - H
- We must remember that government, no matter how hard it
tries, cannot protect an individual from themselves. This
legislation is simply one more attempt by big government to tell
us that they know what is best for us. It is not the first time
and it will not be the last. - Peter Calcagno
- Washington is not America. It has become an alien city-state
that rules America, and much of the rest of the world, in the
way that Rome ruled the Roman Empire. - Richard
- How fortunate for governments that the people they
administer don't think. - Adolf Hitler
- Now that I look back, I realize that a life predicated on
being obedient is a very comfortable life indeed. Living in such
a way reduces to a minimum one's own need to think. -
Adolf Eichmann, Memoirs written after his 1960 capture by
- A man's home may be his castle, but that does not keep the
government from taking it. - United States v. Hendler,
952 F2d 1364 (Fed Cir 1991)
- Arbitrary power is most easily established on the ruins of
liberty abused to licentiousness. - George
- A State which dwarfs its men, in order that they may be more
docile instruments in its hands even for beneficial purposes
- will find that with small men no great thing can
really be accomplished. - John Stuart Mill
- The more power a government has the more it can act
arbitrarily according to the whims and desires of the elite, and
the more it will make war on others and murder its foreign and
domestic subjects. The more constrained the power of
governments, the more power is diffused, checked, and balanced,
the less it will aggress on others and commit
democide. - R. J. Rummel, Death by Government
- A nation that expects the government to prevent churches
from burning, to control the price of bread or gasoline, to
secure every job, and to find some villain for every dramatic
accident risks an even larger loss of life and
liberty. - William A. Niskanen, For a Less Responsive
Government, Cato Policy Report,
- The state calls its own violence law, but that of the
individual crime. - Max Stirner
- The pattern is as old as human life. The new rulers use more
and more force, more police, more soldiers, trying to enforce
more efficient control, trying to make the planned economy work
by piling regulations on regulations, decree on decree. The
people are hungry and hungrier. And how does a man on this earth
get butter? Doesn't the government give butter? But government
does not produce food from the earth; Government is guns. It is
one common distinction of all civilized peoples, that they give
their guns to the Government. Men in Government monopolize the
necessary use of force; they are not using their energies
productively; they are not milking cows. To get butter, they
must use guns; they have nothing else to use. - Rose
- The state is a force incarnate. Worse, it is the silly
parading of force. It never seeks to prevail by
persuasion. Whenever it thrusts its finger into anything it does
so in the most unfriendly way. Its essence is command and
compulsion. - Michael Bakunin
- In every State, the government is nothing but a permanent
conspiracy on the part of the minority against the majority,
which it enslaves and fleeces. - Michael Bakunin
- We are going to tax and tax, spend and spend, elect and
elect. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
- - thou shall not steal, even by majority vote - -
Gary North; Conspiracy
- In levying taxes and in shearing sheep, it is well to stop
when you get down to the skin. - Austin O'Malley
- Public works are not accomplished by the miraculous power of
a magic wand. They are paid for by funds taken away from the
citizens. - Ludwig von Mises
- A [tax loophole is] something that benefits the other
guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform. - Russell
- [S]tatism is but socialized dishonesty; it is feathering the
nests of some with feathers coercively plucked from others
- on the grand scale. There is no moral difference
between the act of a pickpocket and the progressive income tax
or any other social program. - Leonard Read
- There's another major hurdle to a new year of prosperity:
our tax code. No human being understands it. The current code,
which runs over 8,000 pages and countless thousands more pages
of IRS rulings and interpretations, is beyond
redemption. ..Incalculable amounts of the nation's intellectual
brainpower are devoted to the dead-end task of coping with the
current tax code. Over one-half million people in the U.S. make
their living off it, whether in lobbying, lawyering, tax
preparing, or accounting. - Americans spend five and one-half
billion hours a year filling out tax forms - and spend between
$100 billion and $300 billion to comply with the current
code. - Malcolm S. Forbes,
- In increasing numbers, Americans believe that it is the
responsibility - nay, the duty - of the federal
government to take the earnings of some Americans and
redistribute them to other Americans for various and sundry
"good" reasons including "fairness." Citizens who know it is
wrong to use force to take money from a neighbor have
rationalized that it is OK for the government to do it for
them. - Linda Bowles, nationally syndicated
- The average family pays more in taxes than it spends on
food, clothing, and shelter combined. - Congressman Dick
Armey, Why a Flat Tax? Durell Journal of Money and Banking,
- The control of the production of wealth is the control of
human life itself. - Hilaire Belloc
- How ever sugarcoated and ambiguous, every form of
authoritarianism must start with a belief in some group's
greater right to power, whether that right is justified by sex,
race, religion or all four. - Gloria Steinem, American
- Opium and morphine are certainly dangerous, habit-forming
drugs. But once the principle is admitted that it is the duty of
the government to protect the individual against his own
foolishness, no serious objections can be advanced against
further encroachments - Is not the harm a man can inflict on
his mind and soul even more disastrous than any bodily evils.?
Why not prevent him from reading bad books and bad plays, from
looking at bad paintings and statues and from hearing bad music?
The mischief done by bad ideologies, surely, is much more
pernicious both for the individual and for the whole society,
than that done by narcotic drugs. - Von Mises, Human
- The present struggle seems less about abolishing big
government than about who gets to use it. - William
Greider, One World Ready or Not
- Man is born free, yet he is everywhere in chains. -
Jean Jacques Rosseau. The Social Contract, 1762
- Pugsley's First Law of Government: All government programs
accomplish the opposite of what they are designed to
achieve. - John Pugsley
- Everything government touches turns to crap. - Ringo
- One of the things the government can't do is run
anything. The only things our government runs are the post
office and the railroads, and both of them are
bankrupt. - Lee Iacocca
- With all that IMF money, the Thailand's and Mexico's are
spared the consequences of their fiscal incompetence, and Wall
Street's heavy hitters are spared the consequences of their
stupid investments. The global economy is a rigged game, rigged
so Third World politicians, rich investors and global
corporations win - and U.S. taxpayers lose. -
Patrick J. Buchanan
- Every actual State is corrupt. Good men must not obey the
laws too well. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- A union of government and religion tends to destroy
government and degrade religion. - Hugo Black
- If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the
bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy
won't. - Hyman G. Rickover
- If we do not halt this steady process of building
commissions and regulatory bodies and the special legislation
like huge inverted pyramids over every one of the simple
constitutional provisions, we shall soon be spending many
billions of dollars more. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
- The proper and limited use of government is to invoke a
common justice and keep the peace - and that is
all. - Leonard Read
- I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is
always oppressive. - Thomas Jefferson
- The bureaucrat's first objective, of course, is preservation
of his job - provided by the big-government system, at
the taxpayers expense. - Whether real world problems get solved
or not is of secondary importance. It doesn't take much
cynicism, in fact, to see that the bureaucrats have a vested
interest in not having problems solved. If the problems did not
exist (or had been invented), there would be no reason for the
bureaucrat to have a job" - William Simon, former U.S
- What is so bad about big government? My indictment of big
government is that it is bad because it attacks liberty,
prosperity, progress, harmony, and morality. Thanks to big
government, we have significantly less of all of those good
things than we would if we had been able to keep government
right-sized. Big government is cancerous. Like a cancer, it
hurts the body and tends to spread, doing more and more harm as
it grows. It is time for some radical surgery. - George
C. Leef, director of FEE's Freeman Society Discussion Clubs
- Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be
busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written,
immediately become proof that they were busy. - Charles
Peters, How Washington Really Works
- We have the power to do any damn fool thing we want to do,
and we seem to do it about every 10 minutes. -
J. William Fulbright
- The era of big government is over. - Bill Clinton,
State of the Union Address, January 23, 1996
- A tiny and closed fraternity of privileged men, elected by
no one, and enjoying a monopoly sanctioned and licensed by
government. - Spiro T. Agnew
- A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is
needed as vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures
whom bureaucrats so strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a
bureaucrat who was not petty, dull, almost witless, crafty or
stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a holder of little authority in
which he delights, as a boy delights in possessing a vicious
dog. Who can trust such creatures? - Cicero
- You can't give the government the power to do good without
also giving it the power to do bad - in fact, to do
anything it wants. - Harry Browne
- Once upon a time, government budgets were balanced, our
money was sound, the streets were safe, and taxes imposed by all
levels of government took less than 10% of our income. -
- Through an unwieldy combination of big government, big
military, big business, big labor and big cities, we have
created an unworkable mega-nation which defies central
management and control. Not only is the United States too big,
but it has also become too authoritarian and too undemocratic,
and its states assume too little responsibility for the solution
of their own social, economic, and political problems. -
Dr. Thomas Naylor, professor emeritus of economics at Duke
- The greater the power, the more dangerous the
abuse. - Edmund Burke
- Those who have been once intoxicated with power, and have
derived any kind of emolument from it, even though but for one
year, can never willingly abandon it. - Edmund
- The power which a multiple millionaire, who may be my
neighbor and perhaps my employer, has over me is very much less
than that which the smallest "functionaire" possesses who wields
the coercive power of the state, and on whose desecration it
depends whether and how I am allowed to live or to
work. - Frederich von Hayek, The Road to Serfdom
- Of all 36 ways to get out of trouble, the best way is
- leave. - Chinese Proverb
- Few of us can easily surrender our belief that society must
somehow make sense. The thought that the State has lost its mind
and is punishing so many innocent people is intolerable. And so
the evidence has to be internally denied. - Arthur
- Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they
do it from mistaken conviction. - Blaise Pascal
- Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny. - Edmund
- A government is not legitimate merely because it
exists. - Jeane J. Kirkpatrick
- Resistance to tyranny is service to God. - James
- We do many things at the federal level that would be
considered dishonest and illegal if done in the private
sector. - Donald T. Regan
- [During the 20th century] - 170 million men, women, and
children have been shot, beaten, tortured, knifed, burned,
starved, frozen, crushed, or worked to death; buried alive,
drowned, hung, bombed, or killed in any other of the myriad ways
governments have inflicted death on unarmed, helpless citizens
and foreigners. - R. J. Rummel, Death by Government
- Single acts of tyranny may be ascribed to the accidental
opinion of a day. But a series of oppressions, begun at a
distinguished period, and pursued unalterably through every
change of ministers, too plainly proves a deliberate systematic
plan of reducing us to slavery. - Thomas Jefferson
- This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs;
when he first appears he is a protector. - Plato circa
- The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly
self-administered by its victims. The most perfect slaves are,
therefore, those which blissfully and unawaredly enslave
themselves. - Dresden James
- I am unable to accept the idea that I should be an obedient
subject of a gang of corrupt, unprincipled thugs who pontificate
about freedom while enslaving the population. - John
Pugsley, JPJ Nov 96
- By the year 2012, projected outlays for entitlements and
interest on the national debt will consume all tax revenues
collected by the federal government - There will not be one
cent left over for education, children's programs, highways,
national defense, or any other discretionary program. -
Bipartisan U.S. Commission on Entitlement and Tax Reform
- Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and
adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government
what they want and their kids pay for it. - Richard
Lamm, former Gov of Colorado
- A government debt is a government claim against personal
income and private property - an unpaid tax
bill. - Hans F. Sennholz, Debts & Deficits
- There is no art which government sooner learns of another
than that of draining money from the pockets of the
people. - Adam Smith, Wealth of Nations
- The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity,
under the name of funding, is but a swindling futurity on a
large scale. - Thomas Jefferson
- I fear for our nation. Nearly half of our people receive
some kind of government subsidy. We have grown weak from too
much affluence and too little adversity. I fear that soon we
will not be able to defend our country from our sure and certain
enemies. We have debased our currency to the point that even the
most loyal citizen no longer trusts it. - A Roman
Senator in A.D. 63
- The Social Security system did not begin as an attempt to
sabotage people's ability to plan for retirement, but it has
worked out that way. The politicians who originally planned the
system probably had no idea how it would turn out. But today's
politicians know the system is rotted, and yet they refuse to
make the changes necessary to free the American people from
it. Instead, they make it worse. - Ed Clark 1980 LP
presidential candidate, A New Beginning
- While the feds - leave Social Security off their books, the
government's obligation to make benefit payments to current and
near-term Social Security recipients is certainly no less real
than its obligation to pay interest on its Treasury
bonds. - Laurence K. Kotlikoff, Harvard Business Review,
"From Deficit Delusion to Generational Accounting", May-June,
- 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
- 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
- 640K ought to be enough RAM for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
- A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... Go figure!
- Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
- A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams
- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- Advice - Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your forehead.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun."
- A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
- A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- A lady friend of mine told me that at her age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
- All computers wait at the same speed.
- All generalizations are false
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.
- All I want in life is a warm bed, and unlimited power.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- All that glitters has a high refractive index.
- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- All women are idiots... and I married their queen.
- Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.
- Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
- Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
- A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Ambition is the last refuge of a failure.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
- AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
- A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. - Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961)
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. - E. B. White
- An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
- An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
- Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.
- An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. - Mohandas Gandhi
- An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
- Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe
- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
- Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- A penny saved is ridiculous.
- A preposition must never be used to end a sentence with.
- Are the kids on the Barney Show just too damn happy?
- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- As I always say "I never repeat myself"
- A singles bar is a place people go to in hopes of meeting the sort of person who wouldn't be caught dead in a singles bar.
- Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." - Roger Matthews
- Assphasia- a condition where your face looks so much like your butt your bowels don't know which way to move.
- As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her paper or plastic? Doesn't matter, she replied, I'm bisackual.
- A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
- Avoid unnecessary, unessential and needless repetition and redundancy.
- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- Back off man. I'm a scientist.
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
- Backups? Backups? We don't need no stinking backups!
- Bad breath is better than no breath.
- Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Be different. Conform.
- Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Better living through denial.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Black holes really suck.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste
- Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.
- Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
- By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
- By the turn of this century, we will live in a paperless society. - Roger Smith, chairman of General Motors, 1986
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- Can you buy anything specific at a general store?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
- Chastity is curable if detected early.
- Clones are people two.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
- COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
- Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other person can spell.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Consider, the Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
- Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- Cranial-rectal inversion disorder - a condition where one's head is where one's butt should be and vice-versa, causing an otherwise sensible person to make an ass of himself.
- "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
- Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- Dain bramaged.
- DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
- Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
- Deja Fu: The feeling that you've screwed this up before.
- Deja Goo: The feeling that you've stepped in this before.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
- Department of Redundancy Department
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" - Until you can find a rock.
- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
- Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail. - Clive James, London Sunday Observer 17 Dec 78
- Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- Does it bother you that doctors call what they do a practice?
- Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected the expected.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Do fish get cramps after eating?
- Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
- Do I BELIEVE in the Bible? Hell, I've actually SEEN one!
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good toasted.
- Don't be accommodating, be honest. I honestly don't have much more time for anything else.
- Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
- Don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more. - John Prine
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- Don't tell anyone, but duct tape is The Force. It has a dark side, and a light side, and it binds the Universe together.
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Do people in France use American ticklers?
- DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
- Double your drive space - delete Windows!
- Do unto others, then run like hell.
- Do witches run spell checkers?
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Dumb Question Department: Been swimming. Smart Answer: No, I was out walking my pet fish!
- DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
- E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- E Pluribus Modem
- Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue ...
- Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
- Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
- Even if you are happy to see me, get that umbrella outta my butt!!!
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Everybody repeat after me ...We are all individuals.
- ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.
- Everyone has the right to be stupid, but your abusing the privilege.
- Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing.
- Fear has its use but cowardice has none. - Mohandas Gandhi
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- First to come are the midgets, a monkey and a kid. Followed by those two one-armed jugglers, the ego and the id - Gordon Lightfoot
- Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Friction can be a real drag.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
- Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts - Jeff Foxworthy
- Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to phish and he'll suck your bank account dry
- Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
- God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- God must love stupid people... He made so many.
- Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience... Which comes from bad judgment
- Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness. - George Jean Nathan
- Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- Hard work has a future payoff - Laziness pays off now.
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
- Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
- Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
- Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
- Hit any user to continue.
- Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- Honk If you want to see my finger
- How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- How come a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy. - Friedrich Nietzsche
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. . . .
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. - Mary Hirsch
- I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
- I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it
- I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape!
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
- I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I can't see the point in the theater. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course. - Baldrick - Sense and Senility
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I don't get even, I get odder.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
- I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- I'd rather be in Biscuit City with my banjo in my hands - Gordon Lightfoot
- If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/7-days a week, why do they have locks on the front door?
- If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
- If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
- If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
- If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
- If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. - Ted Turner
- If it ain't broke fix it anyway! If it's broke fix it and make it worse!
- If it's a hobby to us and a job to you, why are you doing such a shoddy job? - Linus Torvalds to Microsoft
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
- If mother always knows best...What happens when two mothers disagree?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- If there is a god, he will understand why I don't believe in him.
- If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
- If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If toast always lands butter-side-down, and a cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast on the back of a cat & dropped it?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
- If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- If you blow into a dog's face, it will drive it crazy. Why is it when you take them for a ride in a car, they stick their head out of the window?
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you had everything, where would you keep it?
- If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.
- If you knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
- If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk Of Magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. - Michel de Montaigne
- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you were driving your car at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights. Would anything happen?
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
- I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!
- I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. - Mother Teresa
- I have no choice but to believe in free will. - Randy Wayne White
- I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to three miles late to meetings.
- I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me!"
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
- I just love the French. They taste just like chicken! - Hannibal Lecter
- I know how I want to die...shot at the age of 108 by a jealous husband!
- I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.
- I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
- I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. - Solomon Short
- I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- I'm a tagline virus, please copy me to your signature file
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
- I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
- I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. - Garry Shandling
- I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- In any conflict the boundaries of behavior are defined by the party which cares least about morality. - Randy Wayne White
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- Individualists of the world, UNITE!
- I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
- In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. - Erich Fromm
- In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
- I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it appear normal.
- Introducing LITE - the new way to spell LIGHT with 20% fewer letters!
- I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...They have no holidays
- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
- I see no virtue in outliving my ability to have fun.
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
- Is there another word for synonym?
- I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses
- I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It is bad luck to be superstitious.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- I tried to backup my hard drive but I couldn't figure out how to put it in reverse
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
- I've taken a vow of poverty -- to annoy me, send money
- I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. - Benjamin Franklin
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
- I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
- I was self-employed for two years, and boy was my boss a turkey! :-)
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
- I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
- I was simply furnishing a home. I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant. - Leona Helmsley
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . .they were cramming for their finals..
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
- I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
- Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
- Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ... um ... er ... uh ...
- Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
- Just remember one thing in life - no matter where you go - there you are.
- Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
- Just what the hell was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
- Keep honking while I reload.
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- Life is a salad bar and I just keep banging my head on the sneeze guard.
- Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.
- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia
- Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - H. L. Mencken
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Making music should not be left to the professionals. - Michelle Shocked
- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- Maybe some lonesome picker will find some healing in my songs. - John Stewart
- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
- Middle Age is when actions creak louder than words
- "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
- Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo
- Music is essentially useless, as life is. - George Santayana
- Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde
- Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me when I'm too old for sex, and not quite ready to meet God. - Dolly Parton
- My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
- Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
- Never argue with a fool; he will soon beat you with his experience.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
- NEWS FLASH! This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department ...
- No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
- Old dog still learning - please don't shoot yet
- Old is when an "All-Nighter" means not getting up to pee
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and pass
- One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.
- One of the great tragedies of life is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of brutal facts. - Benjamin Franklin
- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
- One reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.
- One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
- Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- Oooo, baby, it's a big old goofy world. - John Prine
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Opticalrectitus - a condition in which the optic nerve is connected to the anus. The major symptom is that all observations are routed through the wrong orifice.
- Optirectumitis - where the optic nerve gets crossed with the rectal nerve resulting in a crappy outlook on life.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. - Isaac Asimov
- Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. - George Jackson
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr
- Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
- Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
- Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
- Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Question: Why do people always seem to find things in the last place that they look? Answer: Because most people stop looking after they find it!
- RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
- Read my chips: No new upgrades!
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
- Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be to understand.
- Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I could have sworn I forgot this before!
- Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
- Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
- Sex: In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. - Marlene Dietrich
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance"
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
- Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people "Everybody But Me."
- Some people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
- Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain. - Gordon Lightfoot
- Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
- Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
- So what's the speed of dark?
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
- Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
- Support Cannibalism - Eat me!
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
- Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
- Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
- That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile. - Randy Newman
- That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!
- The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
- The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The gene pool sure could use a little chlorine.
- The good old days: When sex was dirty & Michael Jackson was black
- The hilarious thing about self-important self-righteous people is that they are so easily baited.
- <-------- The information went data way -------->
- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- The name is Baud......, James Baud.
- The nice thing about Standards is there are so many to choose from. - Michael Santovec
- The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
- The only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth.
- The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
- There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
- There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. - Steve Martin
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- There's nothing more annoying than Stravinsky or the Sex Pistols being drowned out by "You've got mail!"
- There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers
- There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes. - Guy Clark
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. - Jerry Seinfeld
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.
- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
- Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
- Think honk if you're telepathic.
- This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
- Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
- Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Try not to let your mind wander. it's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
- Unable to close TROUSER.ZIP! - Replace floppy and retry (Y/N)
- Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes.
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
- Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
- We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party. - Mohandas Gandhi
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- What happened to Preparations A through G?
- What happened to the first 6 ups?
- What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- What is the speed of dark?
- What's another word for synonym?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- What's so great about sliced bread? Isn't the bread slicer really more impressive?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down till the feeling goes away.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When God is amazed, does he say: "Oh my Me!"?
- When I am asked, "What do you think of our audience?" I answer, "I know two kinds of audiences only--one coughing, and one not coughing." - Arthur Schnabel
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- When it's your lie, you can tell it any way you want
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt - In case heaven is like the IRS.
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- Where there's a will - I want to be in it.
- Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
- Who so loves believes the impossible. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
- Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? -H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when you can't smoke there?
- Why are people willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there tags on blow-dryers that say Do Not Use In The Shower? Is this really a problem?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why can we shop in a store but we can't store in a shop?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
- Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
- Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
- Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do people ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
- Why do people ask "Has the bus come yet"? If the bus came would I be standing here!
- Why do people leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
- Why do people say "did you see that" when watching a movie at the theater? No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor!
- Why do people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- Why do you always turn down your radio when looking for an address?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
- Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?
- Why is it that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit button as though he has some magical powers that you don't?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
- Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way is sounds?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
- Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Yes, I guess, they oughtta name a drink after you. - John Prine
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
- You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
- You can't fall off the floor.
- You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
- You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
- You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
- You know how most packages say "Open here"? What if it said, "Open somewhere else?"
- You must be Daddy's little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll. - John Prine
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead
- Life is sexually transmitted
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
- My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
- Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
- Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Can god conceive of something that he can't create or destroy? If so then he's not all powerful. If not then he's not all-knowing
- Calling atheism a religion is like calling baldness a hair color.
- God is an imaginary friend for adults...
- Christianity is the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
- Please, God, deliver us from your followers!
- The only stupid questions are the ones you didn't Google first!
- Big Bang is just a theory, while God is just a baseless claim.
- If you talk to god, it's called religion. If god talks to you it's called insanity.
- Thank God for Atheism.
- A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
- Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
- If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
- The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
- It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
- Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
- One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
- No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
- Courage is knowing what not to fear.
- The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
- I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
- There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
- He's dead. It's been 2,000 years. He's not coming back. Get over it already!
- If god wanted people to believe in him, then why did he invent logic?.
- I forget - Which day did god make all the fossils?
- If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
- Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
- If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
- What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
- The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
- With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
- You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
- Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
- Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.
- Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "Recalled" by their maker.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
- Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
- The second mouse gets the cheese.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person*.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- The box said to install Windows XP/Vista or better - so I installed Linux!
- Athiests like science even when we are not sick.
- Respect does not mean no criticism.
- unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
- You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
- What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
- The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
- You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
- When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.