Jokes

Taglines

I like those funny one liners. You've probably seen many Jokes lists emailed from friends and family before. I collect them.

At some point I had found a Perl script to generate a random funny line from a list kept in a datafile. Later I found Tagzilla which works in conjunction with Mozilla (and Thunderbird, which is what I use) to tack on a tagline to and outgoing email or news posting.

Now I've organized my taglines in to a Tagzilla file format. Tagzilla also allows you to simply highlite a tagline that you see in email or on a web page and easily steal it into your Tagzilla file. Thus my taglines will grow over time. I also rewrote the Perl script to a PHP script called oneliner.php. It's what generates the oneliner's that you see on my site. For example:

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

So when I steal a tagline it's automatically eligible to be selected by the PHP script and my website. A simple parameterization allows me to dump all my taglines here:

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
640K ought to be enough RAM for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... Go figure!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Advice - Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your forehead.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun."
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
A lady friend of mine told me that at her age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All generalizations are false
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.
All I want in life is a warm bed, and unlimited power.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All women are idiots... and I married their queen.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambition is the last refuge of a failure.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. - Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961)
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. - E. B. White
An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.
An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. - Mohandas Gandhi
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A preposition must never be used to end a sentence with.
Are the kids on the Barney Show just too damn happy?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
As I always say "I never repeat myself"
A singles bar is a place people go to in hopes of meeting the sort of person who wouldn't be caught dead in a singles bar.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Assassins do it from behind.
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." - Roger Matthews
Assphasia- a condition where your face looks so much like your butt your bowels don't know which way to move.
As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her paper or plastic? Doesn't matter, she replied, I'm bisackual.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Avoid unnecessary, unessential and needless repetition and redundancy.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Back off man. I'm a scientist.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backups? Backups? We don't need no stinking backups!
Bad breath is better than no breath.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Be different. Conform.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Black holes really suck.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste
Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
By the turn of this century, we will live in a paperless society. - Roger Smith, chairman of General Motors, 1986
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you buy anything specific at a general store?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other person can spell.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Consider, the Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Cranial-rectal inversion disorder - a condition where one's head is where one's butt should be and vice-versa, causing an otherwise sensible person to make an ass of himself.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dain bramaged.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja Fu: The feeling that you've screwed this up before.
Deja Goo: The feeling that you've stepped in this before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Department of Redundancy Department
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" - Until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail. - Clive James, London Sunday Observer 17 Dec 78
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does it bother you that doctors call what they do a practice?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected the expected.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do I BELIEVE in the Bible? Hell, I've actually SEEN one!
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good toasted.
Don't be accommodating, be honest. I honestly don't have much more time for anything else.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more. - John Prine
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't tell anyone, but duct tape is The Force. It has a dark side, and a light side, and it binds the Universe together.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Do people in France use American ticklers?
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Do unto others, then run like hell.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Dumb Question Department: Been swimming. Smart Answer: No, I was out walking my pet fish!
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
E Pluribus Modem
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue ...
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Even if you are happy to see me, get that umbrella outta my butt!!!
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody repeat after me ...We are all individuals.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but your abusing the privilege.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing.
Fear has its use but cowardice has none. - Mohandas Gandhi
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
First to come are the midgets, a monkey and a kid. Followed by those two one-armed jugglers, the ego and the id - Gordon Lightfoot
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friction can be a real drag.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts - Jeff Foxworthy
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to phish and he'll suck your bank account dry
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God must love stupid people... He made so many.
Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Good judgment comes from bad experience... Which comes from bad judgment
Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness. - George Jean Nathan
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Hard work has a future payoff - Laziness pays off now.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hit any user to continue.
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk If you want to see my finger
How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy. - Friedrich Nietzsche
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. . . .
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. - Mary Hirsch
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I am in shape. Round is a shape!
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I can't see the point in the theater. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course. - Baldrick - Sense and Senility
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I'd rather be in Biscuit City with my banjo in my hands - Gordon Lightfoot
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/7-days a week, why do they have locks on the front door?
If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. - Ted Turner
If it ain't broke fix it anyway! If it's broke fix it and make it worse!
If it's a hobby to us and a job to you, why are you doing such a shoddy job? - Linus Torvalds to Microsoft
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If mother always knows best...What happens when two mothers disagree?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If there is a god, he will understand why I don't believe in him.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If toast always lands butter-side-down, and a cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast on the back of a cat & dropped it?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you blow into a dog's face, it will drive it crazy. Why is it when you take them for a ride in a car, they stick their head out of the window?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.
If you knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk Of Magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. - Michel de Montaigne
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you were driving your car at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights. Would anything happen?
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. - Mother Teresa
I have no choice but to believe in free will. - Randy Wayne White
I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to three miles late to meetings.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me!"
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
I just love the French. They taste just like chicken! - Hannibal Lecter
I know how I want to die...shot at the age of 108 by a jealous husband!
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. - Solomon Short
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm a tagline virus, please copy me to your signature file
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. - Garry Shandling
I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
In any conflict the boundaries of behavior are defined by the party which cares least about morality. - Randy Wayne White
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. - Erich Fromm
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it appear normal.
Introducing LITE - the new way to spell LIGHT with 20% fewer letters!
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...They have no holidays
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I see no virtue in outliving my ability to have fun.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
Is there another word for synonym?
I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried to backup my hard drive but I couldn't figure out how to put it in reverse
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
I've taken a vow of poverty -- to annoy me, send money
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. - Benjamin Franklin
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
I was self-employed for two years, and boy was my boss a turkey! :-)
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I was simply furnishing a home. I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant. - Leona Helmsley
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . .they were cramming for their finals..
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ... um ... er ... uh ...
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Just remember one thing in life - no matter where you go - there you are.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
Just what the hell was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Keep honking while I reload.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Life is a salad bar and I just keep banging my head on the sneeze guard.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Making music should not be left to the professionals. - Michelle Shocked
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Maybe some lonesome picker will find some healing in my songs. - John Stewart
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Middle Age is when actions creak louder than words
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo
Music is essentially useless, as life is. - George Santayana
Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde
Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me when I'm too old for sex, and not quite ready to meet God. - Dolly Parton
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
Never argue with a fool; he will soon beat you with his experience.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
NEWS FLASH! This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department ...
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Old dog still learning - please don't shoot yet
Old is when an "All-Nighter" means not getting up to pee
Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and pass
One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.
One of the great tragedies of life is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of brutal facts. - Benjamin Franklin
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Oooo, baby, it's a big old goofy world. - John Prine
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Opticalrectitus - a condition in which the optic nerve is connected to the anus. The major symptom is that all observations are routed through the wrong orifice.
Optirectumitis - where the optic nerve gets crossed with the rectal nerve resulting in a crappy outlook on life.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. - Isaac Asimov
Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. - George Jackson
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Question: Why do people always seem to find things in the last place that they look? Answer: Because most people stop looking after they find it!
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be to understand.
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I could have sworn I forgot this before!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Sex: In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. - Marlene Dietrich
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance"
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people "Everybody But Me."
Some people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain. - Gordon Lightfoot
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
So what's the speed of dark?
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Support Cannibalism - Eat me!
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile. - Randy Newman
That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free Is that sex for money usually costs a lot less!
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The gene pool sure could use a little chlorine.
The good old days: When sex was dirty & Michael Jackson was black
The hilarious thing about self-important self-righteous people is that they are so easily baited.
<-------- The information went data way -------->
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
The nice thing about Standards is there are so many to choose from. - Michael Santovec
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
The only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. - Steve Martin
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
There's nothing more annoying than Stravinsky or the Sex Pistols being drowned out by "You've got mail!"
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers
There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes. - Guy Clark
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. - Jerry Seinfeld
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Think honk if you're telepathic.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Too many clicks spoil the browse
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Try not to let your mind wander. it's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Unable to close TROUSER.ZIP! - Replace floppy and retry (Y/N)
Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party. - Mohandas Gandhi
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to Preparations A through G?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the speed of dark?
What's another word for synonym?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What's so great about sliced bread? Isn't the bread slicer really more impressive?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down till the feeling goes away.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When God is amazed, does he say: "Oh my Me!"?
When I am asked, "What do you think of our audience?" I answer, "I know two kinds of audiences only--one coughing, and one not coughing." - Arthur Schnabel
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When it's your lie, you can tell it any way you want
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt - In case heaven is like the IRS.
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Where there's a will - I want to be in it.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Who so loves believes the impossible. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? -H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when you can't smoke there?
Why are people willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there tags on blow-dryers that say Do Not Use In The Shower? Is this really a problem?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why can we shop in a store but we can't store in a shop?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
Why do people ask "Has the bus come yet"? If the bus came would I be standing here!
Why do people leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
Why do people say "did you see that" when watching a movie at the theater? No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor!
Why do people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you always turn down your radio when looking for an address?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?
Why is it that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit button as though he has some magical powers that you don't?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way is sounds?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Yes, I guess, they oughtta name a drink after you. - John Prine
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What if it said, "Open somewhere else?"
You must be Daddy's little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll. - John Prine
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Can god conceive of something that he can't create or destroy? If so then he's not all powerful. If not then he's not all-knowing.
Calling atheism a religion is like calling baldness a hair color.
God is an imaginary friend for adults...
Christianity is the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
Please, God, deliver us from your followers!
The only stupid questions are the ones you didn't Google first!
Big Bang is just a theory, while God is just a baseless claim.
If you talk to god, it's called religion. If god talks to you it's called insanity.
Thank God for Atheism.
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
He's dead. It's been 2,000 years. He's not coming back. Get over it already!
If god wanted people to believe in him, then why did he invent logic?.
I forget - Which day did god make all the fossils?
If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker.%
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person*.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The box said to install Windows XP/Vista or better - so I installed Linux!
I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can't part with it!
Psychic convention cancelled due to unforseen circumstances
Tradition is peer pressure from the dead
I used to think I was indecisive, now I'm not so sure
Just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay... for the 22nd time!
I wish I had a pair of skinny genes
Two silk worms were in a race, it ended in a tie
My ex wife said I never listen to her, or something like that
Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body
Having a dog named Shark at the beach was a real mistake
went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there
I child proofed my house, but the kids still get in
Can't decide if I want to go off the grid or off the rails
Astronauts use Linux because you can't open Windows in space
Ban pre-shredded cheese - Make America Grate Again!
Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
A dentist married a manicurist - they fought tooth and nail!
I call my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet - I don't know Y
If a cow can't make milk is it an udder failure or a milk dud?
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners but cats can

Andrew DeFaria <Andrew@DeFaria.com>