Steven Wright's One Liners
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were
cramming for their finals!
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?
- Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
me are furious.
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
- You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice
your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
- Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How
do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too
far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch
yourself? I feel like that all the time."
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
- Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It
wasn't doing what I was doing.
- I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
"I think I might have written that."
- When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107,
and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.
- He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
- I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
- I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize
that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm
getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
- I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about
- My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
to move to New York.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
- I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
- (If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)
- Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that
wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
- Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."
- Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
- I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
- Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
- I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also
have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People
ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
- It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all
- When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
- One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
- Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
- One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me
- I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind
of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
- I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside.
People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are
leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told
them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the
straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
- I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the
aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was
- Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can
melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was
fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the
- I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
- I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign
says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd
like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
- I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got
anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything
you like?" I said, "You started this."
- I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read
in two different languages.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my
humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
- I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
- I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in
- I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I
dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I
didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had
no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...
He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How
long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no
sevens on it."
- I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
- Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,
"Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find
my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
- Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,
hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a
- I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home
and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I
like to leave messages before the beep.
- I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I
see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet
store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could
only stutter in Spanish.
- I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them
to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
- I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
so I bought the album.
- I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes.
When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full
blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my
door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
- My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I
just have to fill in the rest.
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
- I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
- All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the
hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She
said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down
everything in the store."
- While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I
told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it
- Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who
knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...
It feels real."
- In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... So I never have to go upstairs.
- One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took
fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
- I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to
look at it.
- All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
- My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a
- Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real
- I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write
right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
- My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of
my yard or I'll throw it at them.
- I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.
- The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it
on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my
- My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (Slow glance upward.)
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been
arrested three times for practicing.
- I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
- I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air
for the tires.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen
to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
- Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and
turns up my radio every time I park?
- I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
- I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it
sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods,
deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by
accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
Those were the days.
- I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in
a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
- I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to
make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and
began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of
those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up
the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't
have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out
back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because
he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90
miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
- A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
This steers it."
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer,
but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."
- Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of
mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police
pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving.
So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can
- That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop
you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer
pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think
about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and
registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say,
Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word
for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just
trying to give him a ticket."
- We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he
knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
- I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came
back the entire area was missing.
- I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
- One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told
me to sit down.
- When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You
buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the
- So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and
I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are
knocking people over...
- I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,
but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall.
He's the one who poses for trophies.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh,
that's much better...I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
- I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up.
He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said,
"George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a
thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At
gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
- I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not
Raking 'Til Spring."
- My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
- My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really
into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because
my birth certificate has an expiration date.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She
said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of
curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I
thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
- My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night
and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to
die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't
matter, just go back back to sleep..."
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
- I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
- It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a
Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a
bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for
her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
- My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and
- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German
Shepherd. Very disciplined.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
- (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts
H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
- They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on
- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to
- I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
- When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
- When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
- When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... Eventually.
- When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down
the street on a purple wooden horse.
- When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I
said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
- When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned
that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I
took advantage of that knowledge.
- I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.
- My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
- When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We
haven't spoken since.
- My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
- When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When
he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say,
"What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
- I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and
one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
- I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
- I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where
you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few
seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were
in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're
the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car
and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives
all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm
doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of
research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who *really* built the
pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named
'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it
up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones,
the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed
your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that
they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like
to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give
it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs
Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would
appreciate it if you never called me again."
- One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you.
I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell
your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well,
my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...
By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is
- Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met
her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was
putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now,
Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long,
flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up
in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I
don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and
the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper.
She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an
incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to
show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex
with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a
lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more
she lights a match.
- Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came
at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of
the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the
mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly
bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has
happened to you.
- A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with
this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without
saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is
the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you
take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to
know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He
said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I
- I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said,
"What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff --
winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know
who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said,
"Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs?
- One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
- I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
- The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter,
- I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that
- I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.
- I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another
- I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
- I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
- A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
- Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look*
- I took a baby shower.
- I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- I washed mud, off of mud.
- How young can you die of old age?
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a
- I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
- On the other hand... You have different fingers.
- I can levitate birds. No one cares.
- Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.
- If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
- If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!
- What do batteries run on?
- Are there any questions?
- I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I
got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came
- I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it
starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does
it in rows.
- (Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the
snow in it... Just checking.
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
- I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like
the white part.
- My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold
the bottle though.
- My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope
it's not hereditary.
- Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she
has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
- The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a
- I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
Boy, were they mad!
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
- I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
- I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
- I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
- Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
- I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was
an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and
thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.
- I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
- I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The
study of milkmen.
- I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the
jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or
are you going to ask me questions?"
- Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I
sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
- I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It
said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
- I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's
- The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
- The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
- Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when
he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There
was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
- Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood
around and sang Happy Birthday.
- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
- I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
- I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines
on curved roads.
- This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
- I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He
thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.