- I've worked long and hard to bring you here - much more than most men
would. Many things I've done on my own. Now that you are here I would appreciate
your help in sharing the burden and responsibilities of live, home and the
family.
- Since you've been here and based on your comments I feel that you are
either disappointed with me as a man, the house that I chose for us to live
in, the neighborhood, etc. I need to feel valued, appreciated and loved in
any long term relationship that I commit to.
- A marriage, to me, is a partnership that people enter into to share
their lives. This includes sharing life's burdens. We have many big and important
decisions to make like the wedding, prenup, car, etc. We have also hit some
unexpected events such as your illness and dental as well as my dental and
flat tire, etc. I'm sorry but things are tight. I have asked several times
for your help and you have usually said you don't know. I need your help
and input in deciding these things that effect both of us or at least a willingness
to learn and pitch in. If you don't then the burden is on me and that is
unfair. Part of the reason I brought you here is to share in my life, and
in your life, both the joys and burdens of life itself. When one party refuses
to participate in such things it creates an unfairness or imbalance in the
relationship with one person resenting the other person. Unbalanced relationships
are doomed to failure.
For example, I asked you about making wedding plans and your response was
basically that you do not know and this is American and that you don't care.
That may be so but plans still need to be made. Obviously Danni will want
to be there and she wants to be the "mini bride". Both Danni and myself have
told you this. Mary-Anne and Stuart will be there as will Kevin (Best man)
and Sandee. Who will be serving as your bride's maid? You've been through
2 American style weddings. Surely you know of brides maids and receptions,
etc.
Now I know you don't know the area or people and will need help making some
of these decisions but so do I! You would not discuss this with me and dear
we don't have time to waste. Instead this shifts the burden and the responsibility
to me and that's unfair. Then when I assume that burden and make a decision
sometimes you criticize me for the decision I made. Other times you've accused
me of controlling or fathering you. A controlling person does not
first ask for your opinion!
- I realize that I make the money and have many of the resources right
now. But do you realize that I also give the money and resources into the
relationship? When such giving is taken for granted then that's a problem.
I give what I have for use and I need my partner to also give and share what
she has.
- I need a relationship where people cooperate, care and when there is
a difference of opinions, work out a compromise together. Where both parties
pitch in, doing what they can, to make life better for the family. Where
they don't just say what they don't like but also say what they do like.
Where compassion and love are shared freely and equally. Where, when one
person does a good job, the other person recognizes it and tells them "Good
job". Where, when one person does a bad job but is trying their best they
can and has good intentions, they are not criticized or put down.
- I need you to understand and realize the limitations that we have and
to help me and us to work within these limitations. For example, we need
to settle for a family car that is less than what you have envisioned. I'm
sorry but that is the practical limitation that we are faced with. Given
such a limitation and being an adult one must face it and deal with it. Either
that or come up with another solution! So we cannot afford a brand new Jeep
in the exact color and options that you were hoping for for $28K rather we
must settle for an older car with dings and scratches, in the wrong color
or with the wrong options. That's life! That's reality. Deal with it! (One
possible solution would be to buy from Mitsubishi because that way we don't
have to pay for anything for 1 year however it's risky because we don't know
where we will be in 1 year. If you have other great ideas then let's discuss
them).
- We need to be honest and open about our true feelings and not feel
afraid to voice them. We need to learn to talk - really talk - as grown up
adults about our feelings, hurts, and fears and we need to have the other
person really listen to us and understand us. We need to take turns speaking
and listening and not scream and shout over each other. That only insures
that we are not listening nor being heard rather we are busy interrupting
the other person. One technique I've heard of, and that I'd like to try with
you is called reflecting. In reflecting you must agree to take turns. Each
person will have their own turn without fear of being interrupted or shouted
over. It's difficult to agree to reflect but it can be very helpful. Will
you try this with me?
When you reflect one person speaks and the other person listens. After a
few sentences the speaker stops and asks the other person to reflect. The
other person then says what he heard the speaker say - in his own words.
This avoids the problem of the reflector merely echoing the exact words that
the speaker used. Later the reflector becomes the speaker and the speaker
becomes the reflector.
- We need to resolve problems when they are small - before they become
unmanageable. To do this we need to be able to check with the other person
when we suspect there is a problem. Not all problems need to be discussed
or resolved right away. But if the person having the problem thinks that
they will be able to work it out on there own then they need to tell the
other person that! They can say "Yeah there is something wrong but I think
I can work it out myself. If I can't then I promise to let you know". If
there truly is nothing wrong then they should say something like "No, there
is nothing wrong dear" and perhaps tell them that they love them or smile
or give them a kiss. If you find that difficult to do then perhaps there
really is a problem!
If you are really mad but don't want to talk about it right now or don't
know how to explain yourself or something like that then again inform the
other person and give them a time or a time period which to expect an answer
or discussion to take place. For example you can say I am really angry but
I want some time to think about this. Let's discuss this again tomorrow night.
We might need to reflect".
It is really important to set a time to resolve the problem, to set an expectation
that this problem will not be forgotten and to follow through on that.