Dear Olga,

How do I write you a letter to lift up your spirits given the terrible situation we are faced with? I have never been one who ignores the hazards of reality and we are in a very bad situation. I don't mean to complain all the time - I would much rather that there wasn't that much to complain about but that would not be truthful. We face extreme challenges in our relationship - big changes need to happen. If not then our relationship is doomed to fail - not because I want it to or you want it to - but because a relationship like we had would never survive no matter who was in it. Simply put relationships like that are not meant to survive. Can we change our relationship so that it can work? It takes more than mere desire - it takes work - more work for us than normal couples.

I find it hard to maintain hope, to sit and wait while others control my destiny - your destiny and our future. We've been here before - last year - and the wait was just about unbearable to me. For many years I have been dreaming of a loving wife and more kids. I cannot continue to put my dreams, my life on hold forever!

Looking at what I have I see a very immature lady with lots of problems who has deceived me a number of times in the past, cheated on my with another man, concealed important facts from me on a number of occasions, who cannot communicate with me on matters of importance, who has demonstrated that she is often selfish and self centered, who is argumentative and often not cooperative, who has an eating disorder, alcohol problems and mental problems, who is often violent, who steals and has gotten herself into a terrible mess.

I think you'll agree that if I had behaved in the same way towards you then you would have stopped the relationship long ago. Honestly, truthfully, read that last paragraph again and ask yourself if you'd still stick around with a man like that! I think not!

And yet, despite what you might think I am an optimist. I have seen and experienced many good times with you too. I love the way you smile, when we laugh and kid each other, our time in Tahoe and Capitola. I love the way we make love. And when we do work together and cooperate things are great. Why can't we realize that we are on the same team, that we are working for similar goals, and where we differ in opinions, why can't we work out a compromise?

I think I realize that some of your problems (drinking, not communicating, etc) made it difficult to relate, communicate and work together. Can that change? Honestly and truly, can that change? That's hard to say. It seems to me that you have been living for years this way - changing will be difficult for you.

It seems to me that for somebody to make such major changes in their life requires help - lots of it - and they would need to lean on somebody else - to prop them up and support them and to be there for them always. Who better to do this than me? Who else would put up with such shit and still be here? Still be willing to try? How much shit do I need to go through to prove that I care for you deeply? How much devotion do you need before you can place your trust, your desires, your secrets, your fears in another human being? Have I not bled enough for you? Because I may be a fool in love with you, or maybe it's my insecurity of being alone again, but there is only so much I can take before even I, a devoted, truthful, honest and open man, starts thinking that perhaps this relationship will not work out.

You see I have this vision of a happy couple, a happy, cooperative family with lots of kids living happily together. And in this vision I see you and me as the center of this family growing old together with lots of grand kids and fun family get togethers. Do you want to join me in this vision, to make this vision a reality? There is so much happiness to be had - and time is running out.

And yet we are back into "waiting mode" as others determine our fate. Sorry dear but I have only so many resources with which to fight. If the INS determines you are deportable I don't think I have the resources to continue the fight.

I am trying to maintain hope and I know that hope is what you need. But we also need to prepare for the worse - to neglect it would be foolish. If it comes to deportation I will do what I can to help you. I want you to do the best that you can if that happens. I do want the best for you.

I'm not sure this is exactly the letter that you were hoping for. But I think it is a letter written as honestly as I can write one. I want you to know that I am truly hoping for the best, that I love you dearly and want all to work out for the best - for my dream of family to be your dream of family, for us grow old together with much love and family - I will do what I can but I can't do the impossible and I hope for the best. I do love you very much and want you back in my life so I can hold you tightly and tell you that everything will be alright. I want to work with you on your problems and my problems and our problems to solve them and to make everybody happy.

Well I'm rambling. I know this letter is pretty serious. I hope it gives you hope. I hope it conveys to you my feelings, hopes and desires. I still see in you a wonderful woman trying desperately to get out of a small, immature and very hurt little girl. I want to be the man who convinces that little girl to put her total trust in that man thus letting that wonderful woman out to fully blossom into the woman that she should be, enriching the lives of her whole family, neighborhood and community. Question is will the INS allow this? And does this little girl/woman share my dreams?


Love you always

Andy