Dear Olga,
How do I write you a letter to lift up your spirits given the terrible situation
we are faced with? I have never been one who ignores the hazards of reality
and we are in a very bad situation. I don't mean to complain all the time
- I would much rather that there wasn't that much to complain about but that
would not be truthful. We face extreme challenges in our relationship - big
changes need to happen. If not then our relationship is doomed to fail -
not because I want it to or you want it to - but because a relationship like
we had would never survive no matter who was in it. Simply put relationships
like that are not meant to survive. Can we change our relationship so that
it can work? It takes more than mere desire - it takes work - more work for
us than normal couples.
I find it hard to maintain hope, to sit and wait while others control my
destiny - your destiny and our future. We've been here before - last year
- and the wait was just about unbearable to me. For many years I have been
dreaming of a loving wife and more kids. I cannot continue to put my dreams,
my life on hold forever!
Looking at what I have I see a very immature lady with lots of problems who
has deceived me a number of times in the past, cheated on my with another
man, concealed important facts from me on a number of occasions, who cannot
communicate with me on matters of importance, who has demonstrated that she
is often selfish and self centered, who is argumentative and often not cooperative,
who has an eating disorder, alcohol problems and mental problems, who is
often violent, who steals and has gotten herself into a terrible mess.
I think you'll agree that if I had behaved in the same way towards you then
you would have stopped the relationship long ago. Honestly, truthfully, read
that last paragraph again and ask yourself if you'd still stick around with
a man like that! I think not!
And yet, despite what you might think I am an optimist. I have seen and experienced
many good times with you too. I love the way you smile, when we laugh and
kid each other, our time in Tahoe and Capitola. I love the way we make love.
And when we do work together and cooperate things are great. Why can't we
realize that we are on the same team, that we are working for similar goals,
and where we differ in opinions, why can't we work out a compromise?
I think I realize that some of your problems (drinking, not communicating,
etc) made it difficult to relate, communicate and work together. Can that
change? Honestly and truly, can that change? That's hard to say. It seems
to me that you have been living for years this way - changing will be difficult
for you.
It seems to me that for somebody to make such major changes in their life
requires help - lots of it - and they would need to lean on somebody else
- to prop them up and support them and to be there for them always. Who better
to do this than me? Who else would put up with such shit and still be here?
Still be willing to try? How much shit do I need to go through to prove that
I care for you deeply? How much devotion do you need before you can place
your trust, your desires, your secrets, your fears in another human being?
Have I not bled enough for you? Because I may be a fool in love with you,
or maybe it's my insecurity of being alone again, but there is only so much
I can take before even I, a devoted, truthful, honest and open man, starts
thinking that perhaps this relationship will not work out.
You see I have this vision of a happy couple, a happy, cooperative family
with lots of kids living happily together. And in this vision I see you and
me as the center of this family growing old together with lots of grand kids
and fun family get togethers. Do you want to join me in this vision, to make
this vision a reality? There is so much happiness to be had - and time is
running out.
And yet we are back into "waiting mode" as others determine our fate. Sorry
dear but I have only so many resources with which to fight. If the INS determines
you are deportable I don't think I have the resources to continue the fight.
I am trying to maintain hope and I know that hope is what you need. But we
also need to prepare for the worse - to neglect it would be foolish. If it
comes to deportation I will do what I can to help you. I want you to do the
best that you can if that happens. I do want the best for you.
I'm not sure this is exactly the letter that you were hoping for. But I think
it is a letter written as honestly as I can write one. I want you to know
that I am truly hoping for the best, that I love you dearly and want all
to work out for the best - for my dream of family to be your dream of family,
for us grow old together with much love and family - I will do what I can
but I can't do the impossible and I hope for the best. I do love you very
much and want you back in my life so I can hold you tightly and tell you
that everything will be alright. I want to work with you on your problems
and my problems and our problems to solve them and to make everybody happy.
Well I'm rambling. I know this letter is pretty serious. I hope it gives
you hope. I hope it conveys to you my feelings, hopes and desires. I still
see in you a wonderful woman trying desperately to get out of a small, immature
and very hurt little girl. I want to be the man who convinces that little
girl to put her total trust in that man thus letting that wonderful woman
out to fully blossom into the woman that she should be, enriching the lives
of her whole family, neighborhood and community. Question is will the INS
allow this? And does this little girl/woman share my dreams?
Love you always
Andy