I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke free
A diversified multicultural post modern deconstructionist,
Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I've been up linked and downloaded, inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading
I'm a high tech low life, a cutting edge, state of the art, bi coastal
Multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm new wave but I'm old school, my inner child is outward bound
I'm a hot wired, heat seeking, warm hearted, cool customer
I'm voice activated and bio degradable.
I interface to my database, my database is in cyberspace
So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive!

Behind the 8 ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave,
Dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope.
I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge
I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar.
A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary
A street wise smart bomb, a top gun bottom feeder.
I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps
I'm a totally ongoing, big foot, slam dunk rain maker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic, out of rehab and in denial

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper
A personal assistant and a personal agenda
You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down
Because I'm tireless and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.
I'm a non-believer and an over achiever, laid back but fashion forward
Up front, down home, low rent and high maintenance
Super sized, long lasting, high definition
Fast acting, oven ready and built to last
I'm a hands on, foot loose, knee jerk, head case
Prematurely, post traumatic and I have a love child who sends me hate mail!

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing
A supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary care giver
My output is down but my income is up
I take a short position on a long bond
My revenue stream has it's own cash flow
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports
I'm gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F word in my email
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn
I bought a microwave at a mini mall, I bought a minivan in a mega store
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I'm toll free, bite sized, ready to wear and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven
Scientifically formulated, medical miracle.
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,
Pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal,
Lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock
Rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide
I got glide in my stride.
Driving and moving, sailing and spinning
Jiving and grooving, wailing and women
I don't snooze so I don't loose
I keep the pedal to the medal and the rubber on the road
I party hardy and lunchtime is crunch time.
I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt
And I'm hanging tough, over and out.

George Carlin - 1956 - 2008