Removed /usr/local from CDPATH

[clearscm.git] / rc / signatures

<big><strong><a href="https://defaria.com">Andrew DeFaria</a></strong></big>
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<small><font color="#999999">11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">640K ought to be enough RAM for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... Go figure!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A closed mouth gathers no feet.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A day without sunshine is like night.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Adults are just kids who owe money.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Advice - Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your forehead.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A dyslexic man walks into a bra...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A fool and his money are soon partying.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was fun."</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All computers wait at the same speed.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All generalizations are false</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All I want in life is a warm bed, and unlimited power.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All that glitters has a high refractive index.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All things being equal, fat people use more soap.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ambition is the last refuge of a failure.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. -  Sir Thomas Beecham (1879 - 1961)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. - E. B. White</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. - Mohandas Gandhi</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">An oyster is a fish built like a nut.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A PBS mind in an MTV world.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A penny saved is ridiculous.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A preposition must never be used to end a sentence with.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Are the kids on the Barney Show just too damn happy?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">As I always say "I never repeat myself"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A singles bar is a place people go to in hopes of meeting the sort of person who wouldn't be caught dead in a singles bar.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Atheism is a non-prophet organization.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Avoid unnecessary, unessential and needless repetition and redundancy.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A waist is a terrible thing to mind.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Back off man. I'm a scientist.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Backups?  Backups?  We don't need no stinking backups!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Bad breath is better than no breath.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Be different. Conform.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Better living through denial.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Black holes really suck.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Budget: A method for going broke methodically.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">By the turn of this century, we will live in a paperless society. - Roger Smith, chairman of General Motors, 1986</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Can you be a closet claustrophobic?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Can you buy anything specific at a general store?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Clones are people two.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other person can spell.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Consider, the Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Dain bramaged.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Department of Redundancy Department</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Did anyone see my lost carrier?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" - Until you can find a rock.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Does fuzzy logic tickle?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Does it bother you that doctors call what they do a practice?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected the expected.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Does your train of thought have a caboose?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do fish get cramps after eating?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good toasted.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't be accommodating, be honest.  I honestly don't have much more time for anything else.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't make no sense that common sense don't make no sense no more. - John Prine</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't tell anyone, but duct tape is The Force. It has a dark side, and a light side, and it binds the Universe together.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Double your drive space - delete Windows!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do unto others, then run like hell.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do witches run spell checkers?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Dumb Question Department: Been swimming. Smart Answer: No, I was out walking my pet fish!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Earth First! We'll strip mine the other planets later.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">E Pluribus Modem</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue ...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everybody repeat after me ...We are all individuals.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everyone has the right to be stupid, but your abusing the privilege.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Fear has its use but cowardice has none. - Mohandas Gandhi</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Friction can be a real drag.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to phish and he'll suck your bank account dry</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. </font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Give me ambiguity or give me something else.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Good judgment comes from bad experience... Which comes from bad judgment</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness. -  George Jean Nathan</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Half the people you know are below average.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Hang up and drive.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Happiness is merely the remission of pain.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Hard work has a future payoff - Laziness pays off now.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Hermits have no peer pressure.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">He who laughs last thinks slowest!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Hit any user to continue.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">How come abbreviated is such a long word?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">How come a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">How good bad music and bad reasons sound when we march against an enemy. -  Friedrich Nietzsche</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. . . .</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. - Mary Hirsch</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I am in shape. Round is a shape!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I don't get even, I get odder.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours/7-days a week, why do they have locks on the front door?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a book about failures does not sell, is it a success?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. - Ted Turner</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If it ain't broke fix it anyway! If it's broke fix it and make it worse!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If mother always knows best...What happens when two mothers disagree?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If there is a god, he will understand why I don't believe in him.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If toast always lands butter-side-down, and a cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast on the back of a cat & dropped it?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you blow into a dog's face, it will drive it crazy. Why is it when you take them for a ride in a car, they stick their head out of the window?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you had everything, where would you keep it?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk Of Magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">If you were driving your car at the speed of light, and you turned on your headlights. Would anything happen?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I have no choice but to believe in free will. - Randy Wayne White</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I intend to live forever - so far, so good</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me!"</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I know how I want to die...shot at the age of 108 by a jealous husband!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. -  Solomon Short</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm a tagline virus, please copy me to your signature file</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Indecision is the key to flexibility.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Individualists of the world, UNITE!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. - Erich Fromm</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what  you've got.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it appear normal.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Introducing LITE - the new way to spell LIGHT with 20% fewer letters!</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...They have no holidays</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I see no virtue in outliving my ability to have fun.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Is French kissing in France just called kissing?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Is it time for your medication or mine?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Is there another word for synonym?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas J. Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It is bad luck to be superstitious.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I took an IQ test and the results were negative.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I tried to backup my hard drive but I couldn't figure out how to put it in reverse</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I've taken a vow of poverty -- to annoy me, send money</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. - Benjamin Franklin</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was self-employed for two years, and boy was my boss a turkey! :-)</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was simply furnishing a home. I love music ... and I don't think a $130,000 indoor-outdoor stereo system is extravagant. -  Leona Helmsley</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . .they were cramming for their finals..</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ... um ... er ... uh ...</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just remember one thing in life - no matter where you go - there you are.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Just what the hell was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Keep honking while I reload.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Life is a salad bar and I just keep banging my head on the sneeze guard.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - H. L. Mencken</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Making music should not be left to the professionals. -  Michelle Shocked</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Maybe some lonesome picker will find some healing in my songs. - John Stewart</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Middle Age is when actions creak louder than words</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Music is essentially useless, as life is. -  George Santayana </font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Music, I suppose, will be the thing that sustains me when I'm too old for sex, and not quite ready to meet God. - Dolly Parton</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Never argue with a fool; he will soon beat you with his experience.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">NEWS FLASH! This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department ...</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Old dog still learning - please don't shoot yet</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Old is when an "All-Nighter" means not getting up to pee</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and pass</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.</font></small>
%
<small><font color="#999999">One of the great tragedies of life is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of brutal facts. - Benjamin Franklin</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">One reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Oooo, baby, it's a big old goofy world. - John Prine</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. - Isaac Asimov</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. -  George Jackson</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. - Niels Bohr</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Question: Why do people always seem to find things in the last place that they look? Answer: Because most people stop looking after they find it!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Read my chips: No new upgrades!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be to understand.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I could have sworn I forgot this before!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people "Everybody But Me." </font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Some people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain. - Gordon Lightfoot</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Sometimes too much drink is not enough.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">So what's the speed of dark?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile. -  Randy Newman</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The beatings will continue until morale improves.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The gene pool could use a little chlorine.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The hilarious thing about self-important self-righteous people is that they are so easily baited.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999"><-------- The information went data way --------></font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The name is Baud......, James Baud.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The nice thing about Standards is there are so many to choose from. - Michael Santovec</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The only difference between a grave and a rut is the depth.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. -  Steve Martin</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There's nothing more annoying than Stravinsky or the Sex Pistols being drowned out by "You've got mail!"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes. - Guy Clark</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There's too much blood in my caffeine system.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The trouble with life is, that you're halfway through it before you realize that it's a "do it yourself" thing.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Think "honk" if you're telepathic.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Too many clicks spoil the browse</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Too many freaks, not enough circuses.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Try not to let your mind wander. it's too small and fragile to be out by itself.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Unable to close TROUSER.ZIP! - Replace floppy and retry (Y/N)</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party. - Mohandas Gandhi</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What do people in China call their good plates?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What happened to the first 6 ups?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What if there were no hypothetical questions?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What is the speed of dark?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What's another word for synonym?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What's another word for thesaurus?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What's so great about sliced bread?  Isn't the bread slicer really more impressive?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down till the feeling goes away.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When God is amazed, does he say:  "Oh my Me!"?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When it's your lie, you can tell it any way you want</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When there's a will, I want to be in it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When you do a good deed, get a receipt - In case heaven is like the IRS.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Who so loves believes the impossible. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have Chapter 11?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when you can't smoke there?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are there tags on blow-dryers that say Do Not Use In The Shower? Is this really a problem?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why can we shop in a store but we can't store in a shop?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people ask "Has the bus come yet"? If the bus came would I be standing here!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people say "did you see that" when watching a movie at the theater? No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do they report power outages on TV?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do you always turn down your radio when looking for an address?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is it that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit button as though he has some magical powers that you don't?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why isn't the word phonetic spelled the way is sounds?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is there only one Monopolies commission?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Windows: Just another pane in the glass.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Would a fly without wings be called a walk?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Yes, I guess, they oughtta name a drink after you. - John Prine</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You can't fall off the floor.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You can't have everything...Where would you put it?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You can't trust dogs to watch your food.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You know how most packages say "Open here"? What if it said, "Open somewhere else?"</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You must be Daddy's little pumpkin, I can tell by the way you roll. - John Prine</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do "tug" boats push their barges?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Can god conceive of something that he can't create or destroy? If so then he's not all powerful. If not then he's not all-knowing.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Calling atheism a religion is like calling baldness a hair color.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The only stupid questions are the ones you didn't Google first!</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Prejudices are what fools use for reason.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Courage is knowing what not to fear.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Nobody cares if you can't dance well. just get up and dance.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The second mouse gets the cheese.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Birthdays are good for you. the more you have, the longer you live.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Never test the depth of the water with both feet.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Never miss a good chance to shut up.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.</font></small>
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<small><font color="#999999">The box said to install Windows XP/Vista or better - so I installed Linux!</font></small>
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