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7 <title>Jokes: Steven Wright's One Liners</title>
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16 <div class="heading">
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17 <h1 class="centered">Steven Wright's One Liners</h1>
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19 <?php oneliner ("no")?>
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24 <?php navigation_bar ("yes")?>
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28 <li>A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
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29 train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!</li>
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31 <li>If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?</li>
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33 <li>If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
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34 with, "Quit while you're ahead"?</li>
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36 <li>Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?</li>
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38 <li>What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
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41 <li>I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
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44 <li>I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
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45 lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were
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46 cramming for their finals!</li>
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48 <li>I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
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49 spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?</li>
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51 <li>Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
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52 are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just
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53 put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
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54 for them while they delivered the mail?</li>
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56 <li>How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?</li>
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58 <li>If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
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59 are the OTHERS here for?</li>
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61 <li>Clones are people two.</li>
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63 <li>If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
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64 is he still wrong?</li>
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66 <li>Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn
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69 <li>If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.</li>
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71 <li>Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
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74 <li>Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.</li>
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76 <li>Think "honk" if you're telepathic.</li>
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78 <li>If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
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79 that considered a hostage situation?</li>
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81 <li>If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?</li>
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83 <li>I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
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84 gone. I said, "The whole time."</li>
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86 <li>So what's the speed of dark?</li>
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88 <li>How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
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89 has been dissing them anyhow?</li>
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91 <li>After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
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92 OUT of the water?</li>
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94 <li>Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?</li>
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96 <li>If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
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99 <li>I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
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100 me are furious.</li>
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102 <li>Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?</li>
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104 <li>Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
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107 <li>Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?</li>
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109 <li>Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
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112 <li>Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
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113 people appear bright until you hear them speak?</li>
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115 <li>How come abbreviated is such a long word?</li>
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117 <li>If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
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118 as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?</li>
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120 <li>Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
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123 <li>You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
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124 asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice
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125 your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.</li>
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127 <li>Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
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128 asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
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129 wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me
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130 they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How
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131 do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a
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132 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too
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133 far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch
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134 yourself? I feel like that all the time."</li>
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136 <li>Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
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137 think I've forgotten this before.</li>
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139 <li>Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
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142 <li>I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It
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143 wasn't doing what I was doing.</li>
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145 <li>I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept
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148 <li>I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
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149 in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.</li>
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151 <li>I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
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152 is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
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153 "I think I might have written that."</li>
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155 <li>When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107,
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156 and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.</li>
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158 <li>He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
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161 <li>I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
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162 walk through into another dimension.</li>
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164 <li>I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize
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165 that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm
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166 getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!</li>
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168 <li>I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
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169 abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about
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172 <li>My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
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173 to move to New York.</li>
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175 <li>I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes
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178 <li>I like to skate on the other side of the ice.</li>
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180 <li>I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)</li>
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182 <li>(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)</li>
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184 <li>Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that
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185 wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.</li>
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187 <li>Is it weird in here, or is it just me?</li>
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189 <li>A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
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190 entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish
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191 you were here."</li>
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193 <li>Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
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194 and smile for a satellite picture.</li>
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196 <li>I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...</li>
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198 <li>Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
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199 to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.</li>
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201 <li>I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
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202 "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also
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203 have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People
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204 ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".</li>
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206 <li>It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint
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209 <li>Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small
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212 <li>Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.</li>
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214 <li>You can't have everything. Where would you put it?</li>
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216 <li>I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
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217 on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.</li>
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219 <li>It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
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220 they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all
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223 <li>When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.</li>
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225 <li>I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
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226 said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."</li>
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228 <li>I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
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231 <li>I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
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232 the statues that are in all the other museums.</li>
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234 <li>I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
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235 Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.</li>
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237 <li>One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
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238 been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
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239 refrigerators.</li>
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241 <li>Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
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242 own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
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243 outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.</li>
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245 <li>One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me
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248 <li>I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
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249 children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."</li>
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251 <li>I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So
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252 I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.</li>
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254 <li>I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
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255 buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind
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256 of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to
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259 <li>There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
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260 In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.</li>
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262 <li>I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
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263 was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside.
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264 People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are
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265 leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told
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266 them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the
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267 straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.</li>
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269 <li>I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
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272 <li>I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the
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273 aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was
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276 <li>Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
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277 Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can
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278 melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was
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279 fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the
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282 <li>I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
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283 clerk said, "ten-four."</li>
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285 <li>I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
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286 supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said
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287 "compact cars"...</li>
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289 <li>I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
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290 there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign
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291 says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."</li>
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293 <li>I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
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294 ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd
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295 like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
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298 <li>I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
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299 in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
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300 weren't included. So I had to buy them again.</li>
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302 <li>I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
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303 up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got
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304 anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything
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305 you like?" I said, "You started this."</li>
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307 <li>I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
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308 She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought
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309 anything today.</li>
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311 <li>There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
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312 Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.</li>
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314 <li>I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
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315 the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
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316 different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.</li>
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318 <li>Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
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319 looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read
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320 in two different languages.</li>
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322 <li>For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
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323 them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my
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324 humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.</li>
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326 <li>Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
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327 don't get it...</li>
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329 <li>I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
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330 laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.</li>
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332 <li>My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...</li>
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334 <li>I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in
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337 <li>I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.</li>
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339 <li>I invented the cordless extension cord.</li>
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341 <li>Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
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342 I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I
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343 dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
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344 ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I
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345 didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had
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346 no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...
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347 He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call
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348 everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How
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349 long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no
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350 sevens on it."</li>
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352 <li>I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
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353 someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."</li>
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355 <li>Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
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356 "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,
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357 "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll
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360 <li>I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
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361 Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find
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362 my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
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365 <li>Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,
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366 hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a
\r
367 nervous breakdown.</li>
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369 <li>I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home
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370 and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I
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371 like to leave messages before the beep.</li>
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373 <li>I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
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374 inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I
\r
375 see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet
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376 store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
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379 <li>I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
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380 on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could
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381 only stutter in Spanish.</li>
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383 <li>I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
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384 wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them
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385 to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."</li>
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387 <li>I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
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388 so I bought the album.</li>
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390 <li>I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes.
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391 When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full
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392 blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my
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393 door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a
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396 <li>I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
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399 <li>Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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400 The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.</li>
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402 <li>My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
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403 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...</li>
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405 <li>I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I
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406 just have to fill in the rest.</li>
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408 <li>I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.</li>
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410 <li>I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.</li>
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412 <li>I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
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413 accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.</li>
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415 <li>I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
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416 above me are furious!</li>
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418 <li>All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
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419 designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the
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420 hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She
\r
421 said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down
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422 everything in the store."</li>
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424 <li>While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my
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425 bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I
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426 told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"</li>
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428 <li>In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
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429 Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
\r
430 Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it
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433 <li>Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
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434 wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who
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435 knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...
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436 It feels real."</li>
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438 <li>In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
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439 above... So I never have to go upstairs.</li>
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441 <li>One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
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442 flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took
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443 fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
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444 lightning in my house.</li>
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446 <li>I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to
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449 <li>All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
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450 I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.</li>
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452 <li>My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a
\r
455 <li>Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
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456 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
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457 head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real
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460 <li>I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write
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461 right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."</li>
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463 <li>My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
\r
464 neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of
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465 my yard or I'll throw it at them.</li>
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467 <li>I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
\r
470 <li>The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
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471 with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
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472 for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
\r
473 where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it
\r
474 on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my
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477 <li>My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
\r
478 notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.</li>
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480 <li>For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No
\r
481 place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
\r
482 running... (Slow glance upward.)</li>
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484 <li>I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
\r
485 I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.</li>
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487 <li>I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
\r
488 looks like I'm the only one moving.</li>
\r
490 <li>I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
\r
491 car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been
\r
492 arrested three times for practicing.</li>
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494 <li>I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
\r
495 out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
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498 <li>I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
\r
499 earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.</li>
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501 <li>I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
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504 <li>I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air
\r
505 for the tires.</li>
\r
507 <li>My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.</li>
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509 <li>I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
\r
510 anywhere near the place.</li>
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512 <li>I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
\r
513 But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."</li>
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515 <li>Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
\r
516 driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen
\r
517 to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.</li>
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519 <li>Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and
\r
520 turns up my radio every time I park?</li>
\r
522 <li>I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
\r
523 people must be really tired.</li>
\r
525 <li>I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it
\r
526 sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods,
\r
527 deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by
\r
528 accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
\r
529 Those were the days.</li>
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531 <li>I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
\r
532 "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in
\r
533 a cartoon, but I think I can do it."</li>
\r
535 <li>I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
\r
536 Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to
\r
537 make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and
\r
538 began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of
\r
539 those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up
\r
540 the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't
\r
541 have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out
\r
542 back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because
\r
543 he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90
\r
544 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.</li>
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546 <li>A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
\r
547 fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
\r
548 accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
\r
549 engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
\r
550 This steers it."</li>
\r
552 <li>I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
\r
553 "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer,
\r
554 but I wasn't going to be out that long..."</li>
\r
556 <li>One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
\r
557 "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
\r
558 everything I read."</li>
\r
560 <li>Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of
\r
561 mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police
\r
562 pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving.
\r
563 So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the
\r
566 <li>I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
\r
567 Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
\r
568 farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can
\r
571 <li>That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop
\r
572 you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer
\r
573 pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think
\r
574 about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and
\r
575 registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and
\r
576 standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say,
\r
577 Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word
\r
578 for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just
\r
579 trying to give him a ticket."</li>
\r
581 <li>We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
\r
582 through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he
\r
583 knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
\r
586 <li>I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
\r
587 said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the
\r
588 passing lane?"</li>
\r
590 <li>When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
\r
591 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
\r
594 <li>Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came
\r
595 back the entire area was missing.</li>
\r
597 <li>I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
\r
598 locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
\r
599 stepladder with a coathanger.</li>
\r
601 <li>One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was
\r
602 walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told
\r
603 me to sit down.</li>
\r
605 <li>When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You
\r
606 buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they
\r
607 bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the
\r
610 <li>So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and
\r
611 I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are
\r
612 knocking people over...</li>
\r
614 <li>I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,
\r
615 but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall.
\r
616 He's the one who poses for trophies.</li>
\r
618 <li>A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
\r
619 go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh,
\r
620 that's much better...</li
\r
622 <li>I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
\r
623 went to the funeral in one car.</li>
\r
625 <li>I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
\r
626 him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
\r
627 Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up.
\r
628 He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said,
\r
629 "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a
\r
630 thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At
\r
631 gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.</li>
\r
633 <li>I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
\r
634 called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not
\r
635 Raking 'Til Spring."</li>
\r
637 <li>My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
\r
638 tour. I said, "the whole time."</li>
\r
640 <li>My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
\r
641 I go over there and write misspelled words on them.</li>
\r
643 <li>So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
\r
644 anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
\r
645 attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really
\r
646 into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because
\r
647 my birth certificate has an expiration date.</li>
\r
649 <li>I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
\r
650 "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She
\r
651 said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
\r
652 left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of
\r
653 curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I
\r
654 thought I told you to go to sleep."</li>
\r
656 <li>I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
\r
657 means it's going to be up all night.</li>
\r
659 <li>My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night
\r
660 and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to
\r
661 die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't
\r
662 matter, just go back back to sleep..."</li>
\r
664 <li>When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
\r
665 sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."</li>
\r
667 <li>I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.</li>
\r
669 <li>One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
\r
670 satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.</li>
\r
672 <li>I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.</li>
\r
674 <li>It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a
\r
675 Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a
\r
676 bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for
\r
677 her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.</li>
\r
679 <li>My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
\r
680 apartment somewhere.</li>
\r
682 <li>Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.</li>
\r
684 <li>If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
\r
685 their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and
\r
688 <li>I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
\r
689 call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
\r
690 Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German
\r
691 Shepherd. Very disciplined.</li>
\r
693 <li>I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
\r
694 of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
\r
697 <li>The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
\r
698 the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
\r
701 <li>I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.</li>
\r
703 <li>I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching
\r
706 <li>Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
\r
707 dotted line. He caught every other fish.</li>
\r
709 <li>There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
\r
710 looking like an idiot.</li>
\r
712 <li>If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
\r
715 <li>(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts
\r
716 H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!</li>
\r
718 <li>They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
\r
719 (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on
\r
722 <li>I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to
\r
725 <li>I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.
\r
726 It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
\r
729 <li>When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
\r
730 it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
\r
731 Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."</li>
\r
733 <li>When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
\r
734 closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
\r
737 <li>I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
\r
738 subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then
\r
739 you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.</li>
\r
741 <li>When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
\r
742 have any toy train schedules?"</li>
\r
744 <li>When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
\r
745 box. I was an only child... Eventually.</li>
\r
747 <li>When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
\r
748 a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down
\r
749 the street on a purple wooden horse.</li>
\r
751 <li>When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I
\r
752 said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."</li>
\r
754 <li>When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
\r
755 stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned
\r
756 that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I
\r
757 took advantage of that knowledge.</li>
\r
759 <li>I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
\r
760 find tractors small enough to fit it.</li>
\r
762 <li>My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
\r
763 birthmark until he was eight years old.</li>
\r
765 <li>When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We
\r
766 haven't spoken since.</li>
\r
768 <li>My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
\r
769 I'm in the band."</li>
\r
771 <li>When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
\r
772 twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When
\r
773 he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't
\r
776 <li>Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
\r
777 beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say,
\r
778 "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
\r
781 <li>My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
\r
782 later I can ask him what he meant.</li>
\r
784 <li>I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
\r
785 changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
\r
786 landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and
\r
787 one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."</li>
\r
789 <li>I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
\r
790 been serious because I brought a beach towel.</li>
\r
792 <li>I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
\r
793 me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where
\r
794 you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few
\r
795 seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were
\r
796 in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're
\r
797 the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car
\r
798 and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives
\r
799 all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm
\r
800 doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of
\r
801 research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who *really* built the
\r
802 pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named
\r
803 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it
\r
804 up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
\r
805 Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones,
\r
806 the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed
\r
807 your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that
\r
808 they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like
\r
809 to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give
\r
810 it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs
\r
811 Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would
\r
812 appreciate it if you never called me again."</li>
\r
814 <li>One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
\r
815 most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
\r
816 "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
\r
817 and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
\r
818 So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you.
\r
819 I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell
\r
820 your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well,
\r
821 my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...
\r
822 By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is
\r
823 Bucky Goldstein..."</li>
\r
825 <li>Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met
\r
826 her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was
\r
827 putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now,
\r
828 Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long,
\r
829 flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up
\r
830 in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I
\r
831 don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and
\r
832 the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper.
\r
833 She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an
\r
834 incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to
\r
835 show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex
\r
836 with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a
\r
837 lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more
\r
838 she lights a match.</li>
\r
840 <li>Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
\r
841 I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came
\r
842 at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of
\r
843 the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the
\r
844 mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly
\r
845 bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has
\r
846 happened to you.</li>
\r
848 <li>A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:
\r
849 two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
\r
850 England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with
\r
851 this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without
\r
852 saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is
\r
853 the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you
\r
854 take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to
\r
855 know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He
\r
856 said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I
\r
857 remember you."</li>
\r
859 <li>I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
\r
860 sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said,
\r
861 "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff --
\r
862 winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know
\r
863 who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said,
\r
864 "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs?
\r
867 <li>One night I came home very late. It was the next night.</li>
\r
869 <li>I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.</li>
\r
871 <li>After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?</li>
\r
873 <li>I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.</li>
\r
875 <li>The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter,
\r
878 <li>I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that
\r
881 <li>I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.</li>
\r
883 <li>I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another
\r
886 <li>I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
\r
889 <li>I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.</li>
\r
891 <li>I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
\r
894 <li>A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.</li>
\r
896 <li>Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look*
\r
899 <li>I took a baby shower.</li>
\r
901 <li>I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.</li>
\r
903 <li>I washed mud, off of mud.</li>
\r
905 <li>How young can you die of old age?</li>
\r
907 <li>If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?</li>
\r
909 <li>If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a
\r
912 <li>I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.</li>
\r
914 <li>On the other hand... You have different fingers.</li>
\r
916 <li>I can levitate birds. No one cares.</li>
\r
918 <li>Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.</li>
\r
920 <li>If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
\r
923 <li>If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
\r
926 <li>What do batteries run on?</li>
\r
928 <li>Are there any questions?</li>
\r
930 <li>I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
\r
931 made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I
\r
932 got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came
\r
935 <li>I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
\r
936 it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it
\r
937 starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does
\r
940 <li>(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the
\r
941 snow in it... Just checking.</li>
\r
943 <li>I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
\r
944 thinks he can get me five.</li>
\r
946 <li>I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like
\r
947 the white part.</li>
\r
949 <li>My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold
\r
950 the bottle though.</li>
\r
952 <li>My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope
\r
953 it's not hereditary.</li>
\r
955 <li>Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
\r
956 your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.</li>
\r
958 <li>My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
\r
959 package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she
\r
960 has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.</li>
\r
962 <li>The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
\r
963 rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a
\r
966 <li>I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
\r
967 Boy, were they mad!</li>
\r
969 <li>The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
\r
970 Fred, Barney...</li>
\r
972 <li>I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
\r
973 act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.</li>
\r
975 <li>It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
\r
978 <li>I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
\r
979 locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
\r
980 Norman Rockwell beating up a child.</li>
\r
982 <li>I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
\r
983 reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.</li>
\r
985 <li>Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
\r
986 pretty good. He could go under a rug.</li>
\r
988 <li>I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was
\r
989 an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and
\r
990 thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.</li>
\r
992 <li>I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
\r
993 Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?</li>
\r
995 <li>I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The
\r
996 study of milkmen.</li>
\r
998 <li>I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
\r
999 stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
\r
1000 truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the
\r
1001 jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or
\r
1002 are you going to ask me questions?"</li>
\r
1004 <li>Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I
\r
1005 sold a #3 for 28 bucks.</li>
\r
1007 <li>I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a
\r
1008 full house and four people died.</li>
\r
1010 <li>I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It
\r
1011 said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."</li>
\r
1013 <li>I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's
\r
1016 <li>The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
\r
1017 get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.</li>
\r
1019 <li>The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
\r
1020 twice. Everything had two shadows.</li>
\r
1022 <li>Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
\r
1023 behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
\r
1024 teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when
\r
1025 he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.</li>
\r
1027 <li>When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
\r
1028 any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"</li>
\r
1030 <li>I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There
\r
1031 was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired
\r
1032 myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
\r
1033 paid myself. Then I quit.</li>
\r
1035 <li>Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood
\r
1036 around and sang Happy Birthday.</li>
\r
1038 <li>In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
\r
1039 roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.</li>
\r
1041 <li>Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
\r
1042 he just whipped out a quarter?</li>
\r
1044 <li>I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
\r
1047 <li>I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
\r
1048 infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines
\r
1049 on curved roads.</li>
\r
1051 <li>This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike
\r
1052 along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...</li>
\r
1054 <li>I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
\r
1055 The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He
\r
1056 thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
\r
1057 figured the game *he* was watching was better.</li>
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1061 <?php copyright ();?>
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projects / clearscm.git / blob